The Truth Fairy

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 12, 2011

Speaking without thinking first is like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates– stupid (plus, you never know what you’re going to get). When emotion wins out over thought, people either feel compelled to tell the truth and other times they feel compelled to lie, and it doesn’t usually help to figure out why since the speaking didn’t give it much consideration in the first place. In order to avoid saying something true or untrue that you’ll regret, it’s important is to give yourself the time to figure out what you believe is best to say, according to your own ideas of right and wrong, and what will probably happen next. You’re only obligated to tell the truth if you’re under oath; otherwise, your obligation is to yourself, your values, and your need to change the subject.
–Dr. Lastname

As a middle manager, I’ve always been interested in ideas about good management, so when the new senior managers at my company asked for suggestions, I gave them an honest response and suggested they cultivate a culture that encourages less overwork and more creativity. It was no secret that I thought they were pushing people too hard and burning them out, which was not the way things used to be at the company. Well, things have been frosty since, so I want to know how to tell the truth without getting into trouble.

I assume you’re not working at a truth-factory. Hence, it’s not your job to tell the truth.

Instead, your job, like anyone’s job, is to do a good day’s work and make a living. Unfortunately, telling the truth is not compatible with that goal.

Business magazine writers are a lot like romance writers; they pretend that the truth eventually wins out and makes people happier. In real life, managers who tend to overwork their subordinates usually believe they are sacrificing their personal popularity for the sake of the company’s survival and take any criticism as a threat to morale, so they don’t change or react well to it.

While your assessment is probably fair, sharing it is unwise. The truth will set you free, if you mean “free of employment.”

Remember, the opposite of telling the truth isn’t lying; it’s keeping your opinion to yourself. If your job is a marriage, then you manager/wife essentially asked you whether she’s fat, and you earnestly told her she needs to lose 20 lbs. It’s the wise spouse who just tells his wife she looks nice and changes the subject.

So, instead of saying too much, use a polite script for taking the fifth amendment, honestly and tell your boss that you think everyone is working hard and getting a lot done, that everyone deserves a lot of credit for hard work, and the transition has required a steep learning curve, and people have risen to the task. Now you’re ready to write fortune cookies.

It’s ironic that your boss probably sees you as a troublemaker when the real problem is that you’re too much of a team player who actually wants to heal your company. The danger of speaking up is not just one of antagonizing the boss, but of making yourself responsible for changes that can’t occur, and then becoming angry and demoralized as a result. It’s dangerous to be a team player when you’re no longer really on the team.

Accept the fact that your company’s management isn’t what it was, cry if need be, then keep the truth to yourself and figure out a new goal. You can’t restore the old culture or improve the new, but you can make a living, build your resume, and look for your next job. As always, the truth hurts.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard to feel successful when the boss takes it for granted that we should work all the time. I feel worn out, unappreciated, and uncreative. In reality, I’m meeting my own goals, which are to make a living in spite of tough working conditions, and for that I deserve great respect.”

I’m ready to blow up at my sister-in-law, who asked me a bunch of personal, prying questions about my old girlfriends while we were hanging out at a party. She put me on the spot, and I found myself giving answers that didn’t make me look like an idiot or a loser, whether they were honest or not. I don’t like to lie, but I didn’t want to look bad. My goal is to figure out why she does things like that and get her to stop.

There’s no need for you to be angry at your sister-in-law for giving you the third degree because she isn’t the real power behind your humiliation. Sadly, that honor belongs to you.

You’re the one who, for reasons unknown (considering that you’re an adult and not under a court order) felt obliged to sing like a canary, even if it was a false tune. You put the pressure on yourself.

Maybe it’s your fear of looking bad or appearing rude that obliges you to talk, but whatever it is, it’s just a feeling. Ask yourself how much a good guy should share if a close relative asks personal questions, and where those boundary lines would lie (no pun intended).

Don’t excuse your need to talk and tell tales with a fear of being rude, because there are lots of ways to decline a question that are perfectly polite. You could tell your sister-in-law that you don’t like to discuss the past, that it’s old history, that you’d rather discuss the Celtics’ possible elimination. You can give yourself the right to decline questions if you’re doing what you think is the right thing and forget about what others think.

If your sister-in-law accuses you of holding back or being distant or defensive, don’t feel obliged to come up with a clever answer or convince her that she’s wrong. Just share your conviction that you’re not wrong by assuring her you mean no disrespect, but there are some things you’d rather keep to yourself.

Here’s the paradox: if you feel responsible for answering questions in order to appear agreeable, you’ll wind up angry, and possibly lying, and then say something negative that will make you appear disagreeable, even to your own eyes. If you allow yourself to control your answers, however, you may be accused of being disagreeable, but you won’t get angry and it’s less likely that you, or anyone else, will see you as being disagreeable.

You won’t have to dredge up the past, let alone fabricate it. In this case, telling the truth is best, and the truth is, you’d rather discuss something else.

STATEMENT:
“I hate it when family members tell me I’m not sharing, as if I’m stuck up and don’t care and don’t deserve to be accepted by the family. I’m old enough, however, to believe that I have much to offer without having to share secrets and that those who insist on knowing my secrets are not the ones I should share them with. I will say no when I need to, without asking for understanding or showing any sign of the fear or self-doubt I sometimes feel.”