The Pursuit of Parents

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 9, 2011

Parents get a lot of blame when something goes wrong in their kids’ lives, and a fair share of it is heaped on by those in my industry. The lion’s share, however, comes from parents themselves, and that feeling of responsibility, no matter who assigns it, is great at making things worse. The truth is that parents have little control over their kids’ weaknesses or the fact that life is sometimes hard and painful beyond their powers of protection. Accept this sad truth, and you’ll become a much more effective parent and much less blaming of your spouse and your kid, whether Freud’s disciples admit it or not.
–Dr. Lastname

I still can’t understand why my 15-year-old daughter would purposely overdose. I understand she’s always been an emotional kid and that she hasn’t been happy lately, but my husband and I love her. We’ve always told her we want to hear about any problem she wants to share with us, and she knows it would kill us to lose her. Still, she seems to have no remorse for what her suicide might have done to herself or the rest of the family. My goal is to understand how she could do it and teach her a sense of responsibility so it won’t happen again.

In many ways, a suicide attempt is like a natural disaster; you shouldn’t bother asking why it happened, or what if you had done things differently. Whether you blame global warming or God’s wrath, it won’t change the fact that it happened or that there is at least some chance that it will happen again.

The moment you think you understand the reason, you’ll think you know what she did wrong, or, at least, what she should have done better, and that will just make her feel more like a loser, and more like doing it again. Or you’ll think you know what you or your husband did wrong, which will make you feel like losers and blame one another, and make her feel like doing it again.

The truth is, no one knows why some kids are prone to overdosing. There are contributing factors, of course, such as depression, impulsivity, a trauma history, and loss, but they’re not factors that you can necessarily change, even with lots of therapy and communication.

If you interpret the overdose as an expression of anger or self-centeredness, you’re implying that she’s irresponsible. That may be true, but only if you knew for sure that your daughter had a choice, and she probably didn’t. Most kids and adults who overdose experience terrible feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness that sweep away all positive thoughts and beliefs. If you had them, and I hope you don’t, you’d know that they’re as powerful as hurricane winds.

If you want to help your kid, get off the irresponsibility kick. You’re good parents and she is probably a good kid with the bad problem of getting assaulted by intense emotional pain. Once you admit your powerlessness over the storm, you’re ready to address the problem.

While neither you nor her doctors can cure her or even be sure of protecting her, you can let her know you respect the fact that she has a rough problem, and that you believe there are good tools that can help her cope. In addition, the problem will pass. It doesn’t sound like much, but to someone who feels hopeless, it can make a world of difference to know that the feeling isn’t that personal, can happen to others, and can be resisted.

Your daughter is the kid you know and love—she’s not her overdose—and you should treat her accordingly. Yes, she has a painful problem, but the problem is what she has, not who she is.

Though you have cause to be afraid for her future, try to project confidence and optimism. You’re entitled to have feelings of fear, but not communicate them.

If she can’t be strong, you need to be. You can’t control the weather of her moods, but you can ready the sandbags and supplies and teach her how to fortify herself against the storm.

STATEMENT:
“Knowing my daughter could kill herself has almost destroyed my life and my confidence, but I still believe I’ve got a good family and that we will find ways to help her with her burden. We have lots to learn about the tools that could help her. We will help her most by showing respect for who she is and hope for her recovery.”

I’m going broke supporting my daughter in her apartment, but, if I don’t help her out, I’m afraid she’ll slip back into the depression she had last year, when she couldn’t get out of bed for 3 months, and then where will she be? I think her apartment is much more expensive than it should be, but she claims that, if she loses it, she’ll have to move someplace much smaller and less nice, which will just give her ex-husband ammunition in his custody case against her. Meanwhile, she doesn’t spend enough time looking for work, let alone for a place that costs less money. My wife and I are going to run out of money but I’m afraid to say no. My goal is to figure out what to do that won’t jeopardize her mental health and visitation rights.

You and your daughter may have good reason to be afraid of her losing custody, or her sanity, if she doesn’t have a nice apartment, but you have more reason to be afraid of her, and your, eventual insolvency.

That’s what blackmail is; not her blackmailing you, but fear blackmailing both of you into doing something that relieves your immediate terror while guaranteeing eventual chaos.

Being the father doesn’t mean you’re supposed to find the money to protect your daughter, just that you’re the wise elder who is supposed to recognize the dangers of letting fear make your decisions. Instead of sharing your wisdom, you’re allowing yourself to be infected by her fear.

Yes, bad things may happen if she loses the apartment; she may get depressed and paralyzed and lose custody of your grandchildren. On the other hand, you will make sure that she has food and shelter. Remind her that, even in the worst-case-scenario, once she starts working again, she can build herself a foundation that will be stronger than anything she has now.

Assure her that you are committed to helping her out, but only if it will really do some good, and giving her money now won’t. Saving it, on the other hand, will make it available later, when it could have more impact.

Remind her than many good people are hard up right now, given the sorry state of our economy. There’s no longer any disgrace (if there ever was) in living in a trailer down by the river.

Learn to support her, not her finances or her fear. You can’t promise her things will turn out alright, but you can assure her that she will have your respect as long as she’s trying to get on her feet, and that you don’t see her as a loser because she’s broke and depressed.

Give her money when you think it will actually help, but don’t support both of you into a dead end.

STATEMENT:
“I feel my kid is falling into an economic apocalypse, and I can’t prevent her from feeling overwhelmed and losing hope. I will, however, remind her that I see hope where she doesn’t, and help her respect the difficulties of basic survival in these hard times. I am sure she has the right values in looking for work and caring for her kids, and I see no reason why she can’t put a good life together if she keeps trying.”