Words with Ends

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 28, 2011

Fear and rage are great motivators for bad decisions, especially when it comes to one’s choice of words. Fear can clamp your jaw shut when you need to address the masses, and rage can keep the invective flowing, even if the target is one person you don’t want to drive away. Don’t expect a good relationship, or a good therapist, to make the bad feelings and poor control of your (big) mouth disappear. Managing those feelings will never be happy, easy, or painless, but the strongest motivator should be the need to keep your job, your relationship, or just your sanity.
–Dr. Lastname

I had to speak in front of a crowd recently and thought I would have a heart attack. I have to go to court regularly as part of my job and each time it seems to get worse. I shake and stutter. Seems to be sort of an authority or judgment thing, since it only happens under certain circumstances. I can speak to a crowd of folks I know, and do it well. I don’t want to have to get another job at my age (>50), it was hard enough to get this one. Any suggestions? (No insurance!)

My first suggestion is to move to Massachusetts, Vermont, or Canada. If that insurance comment isn’t a joke, then not having insurance, especially when you’re over fifty, is cause enough for a coronary.

Seriously, it’s quite probable that a major cause of your shaking and stuttering is that you’re unconsciously aware/terrified of the many ways your body can, and is about to, break down and wear out. That’s way more scary than socialism and death panels combined.

That said, there are plenty of ways you can try to manage your anxiety yourself without doctors, pills, or costs of any kind, so, until you get insurance, there are other ways to get yourself on track.

My second suggestion then is, never, ever say that your symptoms are getting worse; that’s like sneaking up behind a nervous person and giving them an unexpected Heimlich. Of course your symptoms will get worse, but they’ll also get better, particularly if you put yourself through one of the many well-established behavioral treatments for managing phobic reactions.

Actually, that’s what you’re doing whenever you force yourself to go to court in spite of your fears; you’re flooding yourself with anxiety, knowing that, if you do it frequently enough, the anxiety will go away. Taking a friend with you may ease the burden, but basically, you’re doing the right thing.

It’s your fear that tells you that you’re about to lose control and get more terrified and humiliated than ever, when what’s actually happening is that, as ever, you’re good at tolerating mental pain, you’re facing down your fear, and, if you get a chance to go to court often enough, your fearful reflex will wear itself out. In other words, don’t let your fear have the last word.

You can also read up on anxiety management techniques like self-hypnosis and meditation and practice them at home. They’re tricky, but at least they’re free.

If you can afford an occasional visit with your doctor, it will cost you almost nothing to buy a generic beta blocker or tranquilizer, which you can then take 30 minutes prior to a court appearance. One or both is likely to head off the panic attack, and many anxiety sufferers find that just having the pills as an option, without taking them, is enough to help them relax.

One way or another, there are countless low cost methods for fighting anxiety. As long as your goal is not to control it completely, but just ignore it enough so you can go about your business, you’ll do fine. First, however, get yourself some insurance. That, or pack your bags and learn to love cold weather.

STATEMENT:
“It takes a brave man to stick with a job that regularly makes him shake with fear. It’s frightening to imagine that my fear could get worse; but I’ve been strong so far and, with or without access to costly treatment, there are lots of good techniques I haven’t begun to use.”

I don’t know why my husband gets so nervous about my anger that he has to leave the room, because it just makes me even angrier. If he’d stay in the room and fight with me, I’d get it out of my system in a few minutes, and then I’d feel fine. Instead, he gets nervous and tries to back away, so I follow him, and he gets even more nervous, which makes me furious. My goal is to manage my anger better, maybe by persuading him to stay and fight.

You’re assuming that sharing your anger under the right circumstances with the right person will lead to peace, love, making up, and a nice afterglow. Yes, that happens in the movies, and that’s why people pay to see them; it doesn’t happen at home, or anywhere on planet Earth.

What really happens is that people have an instinctive reaction to anger that’s part of their character and not something that they can change. Maybe there’s a guy out there who would instinctively know what to do with you when you’re angry, but you didn’t marry him. You married a nice guy whose instinctive response is to avoid anger and your job is to live with the guy you got, even if his style sometimes drives you crazy.

Making him responsible for dealing with your anger is dangerous and can ruin your relationship. You’ll get angrier, he’ll walk on eggshells, then you’ll stop being friends and your kids, if you have them, will dread your temper. Yes, your inner she-Hulk will enjoy their fear, but you’ll turn into an she-asshole, and your loneliness will make you worse.

Your goal isn’t to relieve the pressure of your anger; it’s to shut up and keep it in until you have a chance to think, avoid intimidating someone you want to live with, and prevent the raw forces of anger from controlling your life. Count to ten, take a walk, do whatever it takes to allow yourself to think before you vent.

There’s nothing wrong with having a bad temper—it gives you fire and makes you more interesting—but it won’t make you happy, and unless you get used to the pain of keeping it tightly bound, it will ruin your life on this planet.

STATEMENT:
“I hate feeling angry and wish it didn’t happen so easily to me, but what happens when I get nasty is even worse. So I take pride in my ability to live with anger, since there’s no sign that marriage, therapy, or anything else is going to change my temper. I wish I overflowed with love; but to overflow with what I feel inside and still keep my mouth shut is an amazing achievement.”