Ex And The Self-Pity

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 14, 2011

It’s hard to believe in yourself when the one you love rejects you, or even just rejects your motives when you’re trying to do right. If there’s no way to feel good unless you can correct him/her, yourself or the situation, forget about feeling good (duh) and decide for yourself whether doing something wrong and rejection have anything to do with one another (after all, sometimes, it’s really not you, it’s them). If they do, congratulations, you’re allowed to improve yourself. If not, prepare to reject a tidy resolution and stand up for yourself while carrying a broken heart.
–Dr. Lastname

I know it’s dumb to date a co-worker, but my ex works in a totally different department—we see each other around the office, but he isn’t my boss (although he was a boss). He’s also generally liked and respected by all, so nobody questioned my choice. We dated for 4 years, and just after we moved in together, he turned 45, freaked out, and said he couldn’t be with anyone. So now I’ve been dumped for no reason by a guy I have to still see all the time who everyone around me loves. It’s impossible for me to get over him, and I’m not leaving my job, so do I just have to wallow in it forever and never move on?

No one gets dumped “for no reason,” particularly when it’s by a 45-year-old guy who was 41 when he met you and had never been married. Do the math.

The only 41-year-old guys who are worth considering for anything other than a casual relationship are guys whose girlfriends died, fled the country, or turned evil, and, in spite of gross humiliation and rejection, the guy stuck around, trying to make it work.

Otherwise, it’s not just a case of “he’s not that into you,” whatever that means; it’s “he’ll never be that into anyone, ever,” other than himself. A lot of guys are like that, and they’re easy to spot since they’re the ones who are still unmarried at 45.

I don’t mean to blame you for making a bad choice when you’re already suffering, but if you don’t accept the hopelessness of having a steady relationship with this guy, you’ll continue to gnaw away at the issue of what went wrong and who’s at fault.

Like many people in love (or need) you made an ill-considered choice, but you did nothing else wrong and everything else right. What happened hurts like hell, but take the good parts of the relationship, including the hard things you learned, and move on.

It’s certainly easier to move on when you don’t have to see your ex every day, but many people in your position also don’t have that advantage, like couples with kids. So instead of waiting for distance to ease your pain, construct a boundary between your previous and present relationship and then stand by it.

Respect the fact that you cared and that he was an almost-eligible, almost-appropriate guy. Honor the lesson you learned, and don’t let the pain frighten you. As long as you don’t obsess about the what-ifs and should’ves, it will pass. Experiences like this are painful, but when the wisdom adds up, they’re worth it.

STATEMENT:
“I loved someone well for a lot of good reasons and I won’t give myself a hard time for mixing up the two ends of my alimentary track at my place of work. If I thought he was a more commitment-capable guy, I’d do it again. I respect myself for bearing the pain, getting my work done, and never giving up the search for better prospects.”

My husband says I’m selfish and unfeeling, but I get really annoyed when he decides to arrange our weekend time to accommodate his ex in-laws; the three of them are joined in hate of his ex/their daughter, so he lets them see their grandkids/my step-kids since she won’t. I don’t mind these folk, but I do mind not having more time with him and his kids, and not being consulted. He thinks I object to putting his kids first, but what I really object to is that he doesn’t consult me and makes snap decisions based on reacting to the nastiness of his ex. My goal is to get through to him before I explode and decide it just isn’t worth it.

When you’ve complained about the way your partner commits too much time and/or money to something you don’t believe in, and his response is to criticize your motives, you’re in trouble. At that point, the more you’re right, the more you’re wrong.

If he weren’t obsessed with his way of doing things, he’d probably respond or negotiate without knocking your motives, so you’re probably right to begin with. Because he’s obsessed, however, he can’t accept criticism without finding fault with his critic, namely you. If you’re at fault for thinking he’s at fault, then you, the negotiator, are fucked.

Once you know that peace, love and understanding are impossible, however, stop trying for them and ask yourself, instead, whether you’re right and whether the problem requires taking a stand.

As long as you know you’re right, you don’t have to argue. Just give a look, raise an eyebrow, or toss a shrug that says, “Hey, you see it your way and I see it mine, and discussion is unnecessary.”

If you’re sure your weekends need to change, propose a plan that gives everyone something (without necessarily satisfying your husband’s need for everything to be just so). If/when your husband rejects it, say you’re sorry you can’t accept his plan, and that you’re going to go ahead with yours without anger, blame, or disrespect. You need to do what you need to do and you’d like to include your activities in a family weekend but, if that’s impossible, too bad.

If you’re accused of being stubborn or insensitive, don’t defend yourself; you have priorities of your own but your plans take the family’s needs into account and you think it’s a reasonable compromise. If your husband doesn’t, raise the eyebrow, toss the shrug, and carry on.

Ideally, your husband will feel more pressured by your confident independence than by angry compliance and will become more willing, however grudgingly, to do things your way, at least some of the time.

If not, the distance you’re giving yourself will make it easier to decide, without reactive anger, whether the marriage is worth it. After all, the whole marriage, not just the weekends, could be a little less crowded.

STATEMENT:
“I know when my husband’s plans for our family squeeze out my needs and I believe in my ability to come up with reasonable alternatives. I won’t be shaken by disagreement or my husband’s poor opinion of my motives. I’ll do what I think is best and hope he follows.”