Relationship Rehab

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 6, 2011

When love goes sour but doesn’t go away, of course you want to find an answer that will set things straight, even if that means indicting yourself for crimes against your relationship that didn’t take place. As eager as you may be to plead guilty, don’t ever accept an indictment for love-crimes until you’ve given yourself a fair trial. More often than not, you’ll find your only crime is robbing yourself of your ability to move on.
–Dr. Lastname

For years (e.g. 9 years or more) our marriage has been almost completely sexless. Within the past few years, affection has largely gone out of the window too. Our relating is often bitter, and this happens in front of our poor 8-year-old son, too. I don’t think I can feel attracted to my husband again, even though I think we could be friends if he hated me less and trusted me more. My goal is to have a relationship with my husband that does not f*ck up our son, or a “healthy” separation from him which causes the minimum of damage to him (our son).

When affection and sex seem to have worn out of a marriage, you might immediately wonder whether or not the marriage is over. That, however, would be jumping the gun—a premature evaluation, as it were.

Before you go deciding a sexless marriage means no marriage at all, consider whether you’ve done all you should to fight marital fatigue.

That’s the fatigue that sets in from feeling like you’re carrying more weight than your spouse, letting him know, finding out he feels the same way, kindly offering to take over his job, and arguing to a standstill until things blow up again. It’s unavoidable in most marriages, at least those that do heavy lifting; after all, the main reason for marrying is to have someone to blame.

The “work” of staying married is to shut up about your negative feelings while trying to start something positive, like talking, or eating, or really anything that doesn’t involve finger-pointing. If you don’t, sex tends to stop. If sex stops on its own, the positive conversations are what keep the relationship alive.

Don’t figure out why you don’t feel like having such conversations; the reason maintaining marital intimacy is work is that you don’t feel like it when you start doing it and figuring out why just postpones the inevitable and makes it more difficult to start. Your efforts will either work or they won’t, but if they don’t, they will at least assure you that you’ve done your job and aren’t to blame for the great divide.

You may have good reason for believing your husband’s negative feelings are to blame, but don’t share that view, regardless of how true it is. If you want to improve things, talk about his positive contributions and what you’d like to improve. If he continues to act mean and surly, that’s too bad; you know you’ve done your best and your criticism is not responsible for his mean and surly side.

You may also have good reason for believing your husband’s behavior is hurting your son, and that’s another line of reasoning to keep to yourself. Criticizing the impact of your partner’s bad behavior on your child’s well-being has one reliable result—war—and to avoid war, you need to follow basic rules of diplomacy: describe his good parenting contributions and, after assuming good intentions for his bad behavior, suggest that it may be having a bad effect. Again, if there’s a surly reaction, it’s on him.

Your goal then is to keep your own fire under control and not add to his. That’s about the best you can do to keep things friendly: avoid amplifying hostility. If you’ve done what you can and the evaluation comes back negative, then unfortunately, your conclusion isn’t premature, but forgone.

STATEMENT:
“If things are as unfriendly as they are between me and my husband after I’ve tried all known forms of marital resuscitation, then I’ve got a sad fact to accept. I guessed wrong about how well he and I would get along in the long run, but that’s the only thing I’ve done wrong. Now I’ve got to figure out what’s best for me and our child and do it without a negative word. That, at least, is worth aiming for. “

I was always good friends with my girlfriend, even when she was into drugs, (that was before we were dating), because I knew she was basically a decent person and we got along really well. After she cleaned up, we became a couple and we were doing really well, but then she started back on drugs again, and I got nasty with her, and she decided I was mean and controlling and couldn’t be trusted and then walked out. I know we had something special. I love her and I’m good for her. My goal is to figure out how to revive what is basically a positive relationship.

For whatever reason, nurturing guys love to get paranoid, fucked-up girls to trust them. They’re the kind of guy/suckers who tend to worship at The Church of Our Savior of the Sad Sexy Lady. And become professional therapists.

Finding a trusting girl is like picking out a dog at the pound: just roll her over on her back (figuratively speaking) and see if she snarls, and if she doesn’t, you’ve met your new best friend. One thing that’s true with dogs and people is that it doesn’t matter if it’s genetic or traumatic; the trust you see is the trust you get.

Although it hurts to lose her, you’re better off not trying to win the trust of someone who’s put you on probation, unless the probation is for very, very good reasons. If the crime is that you hurt her feelings with angry words or criticism of her drugging, then ask yourself whether it meets your definition of a crime.

Remember, having to apologize or redeem yourself for the crime of causing pain, as opposed to a real crime, will have you feeling guilty and responsible for someone else’s feelings (and drugging) forever. If marriage is about having someone to blame, pursuing the trust of an untrusting, damaged girl is about love-slavery and blaming/hating yourself.

As long as your goal is to re-establish a trusting relationship, you’re asking for what you can’t have (cue the Rolling Stones) while simultaneously painting a target on yourself. Instead, you should just credit yourself with making a good try. After all, you thought you knew her and were more than willing to tolerate her baggage, but you couldn’t overcome her weakness for drugs and tendency to see critics as enemies, both of which problems started long before you came on the scene.

You can be sad that it couldn’t work, but you can’t blame yourself, and you shouldn’t bother blaming something that happened in her past or yours. It won’t change the present, and in the present, you two don’t work. The future’s not looking too bright, either; before you start hoping she can improve, use your common sense.

To improve, she must meet 4 criteria. First, she has to see that she has a problem that is truly hers. Second, she has to want to control her impulses, not express them. Third, she has to want to do this for herself, not for you. And, fourth, she has to be lucky enough, and strong enough, to accomplish this task.

What you’re saying is that, given this challenge, she blames her drugging on your disrespect and dumps you, then she’s 0 for 4 with an F on the improvement test. It’s not the answer you want, but it’s the answer you need (cue Rolling Stones again).

Instead of fighting to nurture your broken beloved, learn what you need to learn. No matter how much you love someone, you can’t change their negative behaviors or give them the will or skill to manage them. Date people for who they are, and if they don’t measure up, move on. If you stop trying to be the Sexy Lady Savior, you’ll find true salvation.

STATEMENT:
“I love this girl more than I’ve ever loved anyone and I feel her pain; but I’ve given our love a good try and I know it can’t succeed because I can’t heal her and she shows no sign of being able to heal herself. I respect my love and my ability to accept her, let go, and move on.