F*cking Up Vs. Being A F*ck-Up

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 31, 2011

On a good day, the average person makes about 10 mistakes. Slight screw-ups are annoying, but not exactly indicative of one’s character. Major screw-ups, on the other hand, deserve some consideration; they’re the kind where you don’t mess up by doing something incorrectly, but by correctly doing something that’s wrong. When it comes to evaluating todays mistakes, it’s important to distinguish between not double checking your work and not double checking your values.
–Dr. Lastname

An email I intended to send to one person, I mistakenly sent to another. As a result, I have managed to obliterate, in one push of a button, what feels like my entire world. Yea, I know this sounds overly dramatic, but honestly, even after attempting to make things right with the people involved, things will never be right. I can’t figure out how to get over, under or through the degree of self hatred I now have for being such a complete f*ckup. I’m human, mistakes happen blah blah blah, but that’s no comfort to me since the people involved aren’t interested in any sort of apology. How do I ever forgive myself??

There’s a big difference between self-forgiveness as a feeling, and self-forgiveness as a moral judgment. After all, there’s a big difference between doing wrong and doing dumb.

Having committed a stupid but not malicious act that’s fractured relationships forever, you don’t have any reason to ask forgiveness of yourself, because you’ve committed no crime. Shazzam, you’re absolved. Dr. Lastname absolves thee! Tada!

If you don’t feel better, I’m not surprised, because your self-accusation isn’t moral, it’s chagrin over bad luck and rejection by someone you care about. Sadly, that’s proclamation proof.

Chagrin, like most feelings that arise in these situations, is dangerous because it can make things worse. Beating yourself up makes you self-absorbed, unhappy, and obsessed with things you can’t change. You started out unlucky but innocent; keep obsessing over your fuck-up, and you’re moving closer to being an actual jerk.

Chagrin is a hard feeling to control, and harder if you try to make it go away. Nothing you can do to make it go away is good for you, be it hitting yourself, getting drunk, or bad-mouthing yourself in a letter to me. Better to stop trying to make it go away and trying instead to live with it without letting it out.

It’s OK to change your habits so as to prevent a recurrence of your email bomb—double checking addresses, not saying important things over email period, etc.—but don’t try to change who you are. You may have some friends who aren’t talking to you, but don’t make it worse by not talking to yourself.

The people you care about don’t respect you any more, so now is the time to build your self-respect on your own judgment. You made a mistake, but weren’t mean-spirited; you fucked up, but did no wrong. Everybody makes mistakes, so give yourself respect.

When chagrin tries to tear you apart, talk back. Be careful to treat yourself well, because right now, you’re really going to need it. After all, if you keep publicly flogging yourself, other people are going to want to join in, and one dumb mistake is enough.

STATEMENT:
“Humiliation feels horrible, but I haven’t been mean or malicious, and that’s what’s important. I now have to endure pain I don’t deserve and disrespect I can’t erase. It’s hard, but I won’t make it worse by blaming myself. I’ll learn what I can from it, including paying more attention to my own standards of conduct than to what others think of me.”

I love my wife, but she was a bitch when she was pregnant. She doesn’t remember the evil mood swing that came over her. She was needy and angry and nothing I did was enough. Needless to say, she wasn’t interested in sex, and that’s hard on a guy. Let’s say I didn’t turn down an opportunity to get a little satisfaction with a girl I knew, and it helped me get through the pregnancy. Then my wife found out, and, 3 years later, she’s still mad. My goal is to put this behind us, especially now that the circumstances are back to normal.

A good question to ask yourself when you’re caught up in feelings of marital deprivation and vindictiveness is what you want your marriage for. If you want it for the good feelings you get from a good talk or a good walk, as in a 60s song, then you’ve got a right to feel that your basic contract has been violated every time your partner gets mean—and vice versa.

Marriages based on the you-make-me-feel-so-good model don’t last long, but, as long as they’re running, they make great reality TV. Or at least some classic albums.

The idea of partnership, if that’s what you’re really after, is quite different, assuming that you’re investing in some long-term benefit that’s more important than how you feel today, and that a partnership requires a high level of trust to function.

If, every time your partner pisses you off, you stop showing up or start cheating, your partnership won’t last long, so it requires ignoring lots of negative feelings and sticking to a code of behavior, regardless. Only if the negatives really outweigh the positives do you break up a partnership; otherwise, you’re screwing yourself.

Once you have a kid, you have a partnership, or at least you should have, for the kid’s sake, if not for your own. If you feel parenting is worthwhile and want to raise a kid, then your own investment is at risk. If you don’t, too bad, but there’s still the kid’s welfare you share responsibility for.

So ask yourself what your own code of behavior should be, while forgetting about whether your wife pisses you off. Ask whether you would be pissed off if she had sex with someone when you were being difficult; then ask whether that would undermine your trust, or if you knew that your actions would have that effect on her.

If the answer to either question is yes, then you fucked up. Not because you hurt her feelings, but because you failed to follow your own code of conduct, the one that partnerships, not good-feeling-couplehood, require.

If you don’t have a code of conduct, then you don’t get what I’m talking about, but you should probably look into picking one up. If not for you, then for the kid for whom you’re going to be an example, whether you like it or not.

If you do believe in a code of conduct, then it’s your job to do better to live by it, for the sake of your own self-respect, for which (see above) it’s the real foundation. Let her know that’s the main reason you’re determined to do better; not just because you’re sorry you hurt her (that will change the next time you’re mad at her) but because you failed to be the good mensch that you and she should be able to depend on.

It’s not a matter of bringing her flowers, but letting her know you’re not happy with your behavior and see the need to do better, and that you’re committed to this partnership, in bitchiness and in health.

STATEMENT:
“Sometimes my wife can get me feeling angry and needy and vindictive, and that’s the way it is; but I think we have a good partnership that I want to keep going, and that’s why I try to let the feelings pass and do nothing to undermine our marriage. When I can do the right thing, in spite of feeling humiliated and deprived, I have good reason to be proud.”