Poor Projections

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 14, 2011

When someone expects a lot from you, it’s supposed to be a sign of respect; they think you’re capable enough to achieve great things. A lot of the time, however, it’s just a reflection of their false hopes and laziness, because they want you to be able to do everything they can’t do, the generally impossible, the dishes, and everything in between. If you accept their overly-optimistic assumptions, you’ll also share their frustration, guilt, and maybe blame. Don’t start helping before giving careful thought to what’s really possible. Then figure out a positive way to share the bad news…in the most respectful way possible.
–Dr. Lastname

It was just starting to look like my 25-year-old son had found some happiness and confidence when, bang, he had a bad motorcycle accident, broke his leg, lost his contract job because he couldn’t do it, and slipped back into the depression that has dogged him (and the rest of the family) since he was a teenager. He’s a good kid who managed to finish college in spite of dropping out a couple times because of depression, and now, to see him lying around the house, declaring that he’s just another “failure to launch,” is breaking my heart. My goal is to help him feel better about himself and life.

We’ve talked a lot recently about how some people have difficulty getting motivated after a long depression, but when you are depressed, you actually have tremendous motivation…to see your world as being shit.

Depression gives you the power and motivation to refuse to see it any other way. Even when depression isn’t in the cards, it’s hard to convince someone who’s feeling down that they’re wrong.

That’s why, when your kid is depressed, there’s just no way to tell him to feel better in a way that doesn’t ring hollow and sound like an impossible requirement.

If you ask him to compare himself to the gold-standard guy with no legs, it means he doesn’t have a right to feel bad until his legs drop off (assuming he remains depressed). If you insist that life is beautiful, you’re challenging him to show you that it isn’t, really, which gets him to focus on the negative. You lose your credibility, and they lose their patience with you and everyone else who “doesn’t understand.”

Remember, having recurrent depression sucks. It can make you cry, stop you in your tracks, turn you into a zombie, and take away your independence. And all the available treatments carry no guarantee, never mind that they might take away the pain but leave you sweaty, boner-less, and fat. It’s his blues and he can cry if he wants to.

Instead of cheerleading until you’re blue in the face, chuck the first part of your goal—when you think about it, it’s bullshit anyway—and focus on the second part. Help him feel worse about life, but better about himself. In other words, you have to admit that life sucks a lot sometimes, but your kid seems pretty great.

His blues may make him cry, but they’ve never stopped him. He got through college and he was doing fine until this setback; he has a capacity to finish things and enjoy life, whenever his depression lets up. He’s demonstrated patience, persistence, and hat there’s nothing really wrong with him, other than a pain syndrome in his brain.

He’s a kid you can be proud of, and he’s got parents who have stuck with him and are there when he needs them. Your home may not be a house of mirth, but it helps people through hard times, because you run it that way.

So instead of trying to cheer him up, remind him that you understand how scary and painful life can be and that you have absolutely no faith in things turning out well. What you do have, however, is faith in is his ability to pick himself up and keep going. Help him see beyond depression’s pull and realize that, if the world is shit, he has every reason to be proud of the way he deals with it.

STATEMENT:
“I know you’re hurting, and there’s no way around it, but don’t believe for a minute that you’re a failure, no matter what your depression says. Yes, it can, without warning, come back and stop you and take away your happiness, even when you’re living a good life and treating yourself properly; but it will never take away your self-respect for doing your best under a tough handicap.”

I like my new job and the boss is very nice, so it really bothers me that I want to kill him. He’s a nice guy and, on some level, he seems to know that I work hard and have good people skills and am very motivated, if for no other reason than that I was unemployed for the past 2 years. The trouble is, everybody in the office asks me to do anything that needs doing and, if I can’t, they immediately complain to him and he lets me know they’re unhappy. I don’t mind doing menial labor; what I can’t stand is that people don’t speak to me about it, so I could explain why I can’t do it right away. Instead, they complain to him, and he acts like I’ve got a problem, even though he’s technically the only person I should be taking orders from in the first place. My goal is to stop this from happening and get him to see this doesn’t work.

One way of defining administration (or good parenting) is knowing your priorities and saying no when the drain on your resources puts them at risk. In either situation, if you don’t know those priorities, or can’t defend them by saying no to lower priority requests, somebody—parent, boss, child or worker—is going to end up having a tantrum.]

The boss (or parent) who can’t do that winds up rewarding the loud, the fast, and the needy and overburdening his nicest subordinates with unlimited demands that are all labeled high priority.

Then, when they get mad, he considers his subordinates’ anger unreasonable—after all, he’s trying to get everything done—and you can see where that leads. When the angry subordinate sees no end to either the demands or the condescension, hilarity (and unemployment) ensue.

So don’t expect communication to enlighten your boss, and don’t let anger grip your tongue. You have a right to be angry, but the painful suppression of anger is what work is all about.

So don’t tell your boss to go fuck himself; shut up and go administer yourself instead. Drawing on what you now know about your company, its priorities, and the tasks that come your way, list the ones that are most important, figure out how much time they require, and put them into a job description that you think would be reasonable. Then do your job that way.

Give priority to tasks that you believe are important, regardless of whether you hate them or the people who ask you to do them. Include tasks that senior management believes are important, whether you agree or not.

Then work down your list, beginning in the morning, and completing the time you’re paid to work. Then leave and enjoy your freedom before you have to go back to work again.

When the complaints come in and your boss asks you why you disappointed someone with a legitimate request, explain that, as much as you wanted to help out, you had a backlog of urgent things that got in the way. Show him your list—like a receipt of his bullshit—and even offer to change it if he’d like.

Make it clear, however, that you’re a slave to the list, and are very motivated to get through as much as you can. Then avoid the temptation to send him (now the child) to his room for a time out.

STATEMENT:
“I know I do a good day’s work and know how to stick with priorities. If I reject a request, I can do it without over-reacting to someone’s tone or the repulsive nature of the job. Indeed, I convey nothing but professional regret at my inability to help. When I say no, it will be for professional reasons and professional reasons, without any negative emotion, are what I will share.”