Family Failure

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 10, 2011

Families are forever, just like diamonds and herpes, so it’s natural to want to change family relationships when they’re excruciating or failing apart. Everyone assumes that our best tools are communication and understanding; for some reason, we hold to this belief, even as repeated efforts to communicate and understand have made relationships worse. Whether a relationship is supposed to last for years or not, learn to accept it as it is. Then your plans will become more effective, but, like diamonds and herpes still, that relationship will remain hard, and there will be flare-ups.
–Dr. Lastname

My father asked me to write this letter for both of us. I was forced to move into my father’s one-room apartment and live with him after I lost my job and ran out of money (I’m 40). I’m grateful he took me in, and I’m trying to make enough money to get out on my own again. In the meantime, we’re stuck with one another, and we can’t stop fighting. I want him to understand the fact that I can’t help having a terrible temper, being very distractible, and not having the energy to clean things up because I’ve been diagnosed with depression and ADD. He wants me to understand that it’s hard to put up with my being a slob and never cleaning up and that he can’t help getting furious. We both want to put an end to the hostility.

Asking for understanding from your father is a really bad way to try to reduce hostilities, and a really good way to increase them. And no, it’s not opposite day.

Sure, he’s your dad, but let’s dispose of the notion that parent-child relationships are always supposed to be perfect, and can and must be fixed if they’re broken. Just because you share blood doesn’t mean you should share an apartment or that you can expect to get along, if you do.

As for “fixing” your relationship…well, if your father was fixed, you wouldn’t be here, and that would be the best solution to your conflict. Otherwise, you’re his son, but that doesn’t mean you should be able to get along.

Just given your personality, and forgetting that you’re his son, there’s no way he‘s going to enjoy living with you, no matter what’s responsible for your bad habits or grumpy disposition. He’s not Ghandi, not young, and not living in the situation he bargained for when he retired to a place of his own.

If, in addition to not kicking you out and not setting your dirty clothes on fire, he’s supposed to show you understanding, you’re going to be disappointed. And your expectations may be the last straw that breaks his fragile self-control and unleashes his temper.

Yes, it’s tough being blamed for doing things you feel you can’t control, but when you don’t have a place of your own and are forced to rely on the kindness of strangers/hostile relatives, you’d better get good at apologizing and cleaning up your mess. It’s smarter than showing your benefactors a certificate of justifiable slobbishness (neatness dyscontrol disorder) from your shrink.

Remember, however, that a father/son relationship is a two-way street (or, in this case, highway to hell); it’s equally dumb for a father to expect his son to understand his anger when he never has before. Some sons are so touchy about anger and so full of their own that they can’t tolerate anyone else’s, so speaking about it just makes it worse.

You can both have a good cry over your unavoidably nasty relationship…and now that you’ve wept yourselves into acceptance of your situation, there’s lots you can do to manage the situation, beginning with resolving not to talk to one another—except, perhaps, about the Red Sox—until you’re no longer living under the same roof.

Stop thinking about what the other guy is feeling and how unfair it is; instead, focus on your own standards of good roommate behavior and try to live up to them. If you slip, try to do better, and praise yourself lavishly when you come close.

Again, you cannot and should not attempt to communicate yourselves into the parent/child relationship you “deserve.” Communication will just allow both of you to further articulate why you don’t get along in the first place. The more emotionally distant you are, the easier it will be to live close together.

STATEMENT:
“There is no way either one of us can be happy in this impossible but unavoidable living situation. I can’t help feeling angry and I can’t change his bad habits. It’s a lot to accept. If I can keep from making things worse, bear the pain, and do my work, it will be amazing, and so will I.”

I can’t get over the feeling of being a permanent loser since my husband divorced me 3 years ago after having an affair. I never saw it coming. I was a great wife and I loved spending time with the kids. Since then, I can barely make ends meet, I know I’ll never own my own home or a decent car, and my time with the kids is stressed by the fact that I’m working full time and always tired. Three years ago, I was living my dream and now there’s no hope. My goal is to understand how things could go so wrong.

One of the saddest things about this world is how easy it is for a good person to make a bad marriage with the wrong person. Marriage is the only true test of someone’s ability to be a good wife or husband, and unfortunately, some people get that far and fail.

You can love someone to pieces and feel the chemistry is perfect, but many attractive people lack the ability to be reliable and steady under the long-term pressure of kids and a partnership. Perfect in theory, bad in practice (aka, partnership and parenting).

Sometimes, the wrong person is obviously wrong to everyone but you. Other times, not even a thorough FBI investigation would uncover the flaw. What matters now is that you know what you’ve got, you’re better off without him if he’s really like that, and you’ve got kids to raise and a living to make.

Don’t waste time trying to understand your marriage because it’s over, you can’t, and trying to understand it is just another futile effort to avoid accepting that it was what it was. Spend 5 minutes with a shrink and you’ll discover what you already knew; that your ex was fickle and poor at sticking with responsibilities long before he met you, and/or that there were signs of bad chemistry between you before the affair came along. You may also discover he reminded you of your father or mother, but who gives a shit.

The point is, you did nothing wrong aside from picking the wrong guy. And until we can time-travel, that’s just something you’re going to have to live with, or really, live through.

Remember what you got married for, aside from love, companionship, and walks on the damned beach. You wanted the stability of pooled resources—time and money—for raising kids and protecting all of you from life’s usual crap. Well, your marriage gave you and the kids a good start, and you’re still better off than you would be alone, aside from the post-divorce hangover.

So forget about the good life you once knew and remember the good values you’re carrying forward. The divorce may have represented a failure in personal constancy or integrity for someone in your marriage, but that person wasn’t you.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t control the pain of loss, poverty, and missing past comforts; but I can be sure of what I was trying to do and how well I did it and I will not change. I may check out future partners more carefully. I may wish to win the lottery. I won’t change me.”