The Hilt of Guilt

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 7, 2011

Some self-help experts tell us that we control our destiny! All that does is make you feel responsible for things working out in the end, which is why your automatic response when that doesn’t happen is to figure out where you went wrong while feeling like a shitty, guilty mess. The truth is most big problems can’t work out in the end, particularly when they involve illness and aging, and the only thing wrong is that we’re living in a very, very tough world. Instead of asking where you failed, be proud of what you achieved despite being destined to suffer at nature’s whim.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve been very helpful and patient with my husband since he suffered brain damage after being hit by a car, but I’ve just about had it. Everyone in our families focuses on finding a new treatment for him, and we’re all happy that he’s recovered some functions and can now talk and stand up. The trouble is, I’m exhausted, I’ve got no time to go out and make a living, and he’s gotten into the habit of telling me what I’m supposed to do without a please, thank you or may I. My goal is to set him straight and let him know I can’t keep it up at this pace and that he needs to improve his tone.

Setting someone straight when he wants too much from you usually leads to a guilt fest; you make him feel guilty, he guilts you right back, and it’s a regular guiltapalooza.

You wouldn’t be knocking yourself out in the first place if you didn’t feel responsible and, yes, guilty for not doing more. Of course, you may be knocking yourself out doing things that are really, really necessary, but that’s unlikely. Guilt rarely works that way.

Almost always, the #1 reason for exhaustion is that you’re already doing everything you’re asked to do and everything you can think of that could possibly be helpful, regardless of whether they’re likely to help or have been done before, so of course you get tired and cranky and afraid of the limitlessness of the task you’ve accepted for yourself.

If you complain, prepare to feel guiltier, particularly if you seem angry at a hapless victim of brain damage who needs your love and support, which obliges you to do even more and so gooses the RPMs on your vicious-cycle-mobile.

If you’re lucky, your husband will understand your feelings and change his tone, but his brain damage may not let him. And your families may channel their own guilt into expectations about what you’re supposed to do, and so react negatively to your protest like Monday morning homecare quarterbacks.

Instead, consult your own standards about how much a good person should do. Without compromising on your determination to help your husband, question the need for each treatment based on how likely it is to help, how much of an improvement it is over doing something easier, and how well it seems to be working. Ask the doctors how long you need to try a treatment before deciding whether it’s helping, what you should look for, and what you should do if that treatment doesn’t work.

You’re not young, you’ve been married a long time, and you’ve become an expert on his illness; you’re entitled to draw your own conclusions about treatment because you’re in the best position to observe how well your husband responds. You’re the one responsible for the tough decisions, and, while that might seem to be a source of guilt, it also gives you the right to do what you think is best.

So don’t focus too much on his tone of voice or the advice you’re getting from the family. Educate yourself, observe, and make your own decisions. Then you’ll be able to say “no” to your husband when necessary without become negative, either to him and to yourself, and give the guilt fest a rest.

STATEMENT:
“I wish I could do more to help, but we’re stuck with a limited amount of time and, at some point, a level of damage that won’t go away and that we’ll have to learn to live with. It’s bound to get frustrating and you may well want me to do things I can’t do, even though I’d like to if I had more time and energy or good reason to think they could help. Regardless of your frustration, or even criticism, I’ll always do what’s important and we’ll get through this together.”

My wife and I have been depressed lately since we looked at our finances to see when we could retire. A lot of our friends are preparing to retire and spend time with the grandkids. We realized that my wife’s divorce 20 years ago destroyed her savings and my job doesn’t have any retirement or pension plan, so we’re really screwed. It’s clear we don’t have any good prospects for retiring, other than living in a trailer down by the river, and that we’ll be left behind when our friends up and fly south. I should be happy that we’re healthy and like our work, but I’m not. We both made mistakes, and now we’re paying for them.

Modern expectations are a killer when it comes to almost everything associated with happiness: health, sex, money, relationships, and aging. Retirement seems to cover all those bases and more.

TV ads make it seem that you should always get a good result if you work hard, exercise, and buy the right products. Experience, on the other hand, says that life is hard and lots of good, hard-working people don’t control their happiness or ability to reach their “golden years:’ and, if they do, it gets taken away from them without notice.

The answer isn’t to find a guy in the gutter so you can feel thankful for what you’ve got; that’s a dumb idea that will always come back to bite you. If you’re supposed to thank God for your good luck, then you’ve got good reason to complain and feel angry and/or to blame for your load of shit. Never thank God, because he has a wicked sense of humor.

The idea of luck is that you don’t receive it for any reason—it just is—so don’t make believe there’s a good luck fairy you can thank or piss off, or you’ll feel much worse when it’s your turn to suffer. Accept what you don’t control, even if it means trailer living.

Focus on what you do with the shit that comes your way. Baby, you’re not a rich man, but it sounds like you and your wife married well, after a hard start, and that you’ve done well by one another. You haven’t spent money on bad things, and worrying about life hasn’t driven you apart. That’s a major achievement and one to be proud of; prouder than being rich and retired.

If there’s a big difference in income between you and your friends, well, who cares. Soon enough, it will tell you who your real friends are. I’m not saying it doesn’t suck to be working hard when your back hurts and your bladder has declared its independence from central control, but you should never, ever let your hurt affect your pride. Even if you keep working, you can happily retire from petty bullshit.

STATEMENT:
“I don’t want to be working and there’s no reason I should be slaving away when my friends can afford to take it easy; but life was never fair and there’s nothing wrong with the way my wife and I have handled our money. We believe in paying our bills, being independent, and helping others, and that’s what we do. Not being able to retire sucks, but that’s not our department.”