Doom And Groom

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 24, 2011

Finding a partner isn’t just a matter of compatibility; after all, the most compatible creature you’ll ever meet is the one who wants to please you the most, and there’s a reason so many Labradors are single. Compatibility isn’t just a matter of sincerity, either, since some prospective partners love you sincerely…right up until the moment they don’t, while others love you forever because they sincerely appreciate your ability to carry the relationship. Nope, finding a partner always begins with an assessment of what you really need to make your life better or accomplish something really difficult, like raising a kid, and whether someone actually has the qualities you’re looking for to go the distance. You don’t need a totally compatible mate, even if he has a snazzy bandana; you just need someone with compatible strengths and goals.
–Dr. Lastname

I am a divorced single parent of 2. It was entirely the wrong marriage, and I initiated the divorce and became happily single. I dated a bit and then met someone who rocked my world, both in positive, healthy ways, and in destructive, dysfunctional ones. Still, what we had was unprecedented for me. He was the coolest person I had ever been with, and someone who never, ever needed explanation for my weird idiosyncrasies. We went up and down and up and down on the roller coaster for almost 4 years. He told me he wanted to blend our worlds, though very different, and that we were “one” and he had my back. That was until he dumped me last summer, citing my world (read: kids, location, etc.) and his inability to accept it as the reason. I know I should feel fortunate that he did it before we married and see the relationship for what it was–a sex-filled, passionate, chemistry-laden, mad, crazy affair, and nothing more–but to me, it was more, and I’m still heartbroken and in a considerable amount of pain 10 months later. My goal: to have my head become louder than my heart. My goal is to move on and to become whole again, because my life as a fractured woman is keeping me in the cave.

There are a lot of bad things people do because they feel good—drugs, drink, consume mass quantities of pizza—that have recovery groups that help you see that the feelings don’t justify the fallout.

As we always say, if only there was a Jerk Boyfriend Anonymous.

Until such a group exists, what may help you to move on from your intensely passionate but destined-to-be-dumped relationship is to acknowledge, from the beginning, that what turns you on the most just isn’t good for you. Because the first step is admitting that you have a problem.

Next, in a twist on the original, acknowledge that there’s a power greater than yourself, namely romantic comedies, that’s made you believe that passionate guys can be reliable. The sad truth in life is that the most passionately stimulating guys are self-obsessed outlaws, and most solid, reliable guys (and girls) are at least a little pain in the ass.

It makes sense, when you think about it, even if it isn’t fair. There’s something attractive about a certain kind of guy-narcissist who makes you feel super-special while he’s really, really into you. You become each other’s high, but, as you’ve learned, a romantic buzz-bender and a relationship aren’t exactly the same thing.

You want it to last, but he’ll pull away first since he always needs someone new (and younger) after a while since it’s only a matter of time until most of us become a little annoying and predictable, especially when we’re bringing up kids and arguing about who didn’t clean up the dog-shit or replenish the toilet paper.

Such relationships are damaging to anyone, but they’re especially tricky when you have kids; they need stability more than you need the warm and fuzzies. So if you don’t want to go to JBA for yourself, do it for them.

It’s time to go cold turkey; don’t worship what felt good while lamenting the bad in your relationship. The good felt wonderful, but, if it were that good, he wouldn’t be a jerk. In other words, don’t believe your feelings, believe your experience and learn from it.

You’re not only lucky you didn’t marry him; you’re lucky to learn something basic about human nature that can help you protect yourself and choose better in the future. Don’t look back, because from now on, it’s one jerk boyfriend-free day at a time.

STATEMENT:
“I have a broken heart, but I earned it while taking a worthwhile course on the perils of over-valuing the feelings of love and closeness without taking into account the dreadful, tell-tale signs of an I’m-into-my-own-passion kind of guy. Now I’m a wiser, recovering, no-longer-into-my-own-passion kind of girl who will not make the same mistake twice.”

I thought getting engaged meant a solid commitment, but now I’m beginning to wonder. I know my fiancée loves me, but everything revolves around her kid and her ex’s schedule to the point that I often feel like chopped liver. She even gives me feedback on whether I did well with her kid, after her ex- gives her his opinion. Meanwhile, she refuses to sit down and set the date until “all that stuff is settled,” but that seems impossible. My goal is to figure out whether being engaged really means being engaged, or whether it means being on probation forever.

Your goal isn’t to figure out what your girlfriend means by being engaged; she could have a thank you note fetish, for all you know.

Instead, you need to determine your own definition and figure out whether your girlfriend’s definition comes acceptably close.

Otherwise, every day you waste figuring out your girlfriend’s definition is a day you avoid the sorrowful possibility that her definition may not work for you. So, as we usually wind up saying here, don’t ask why—why rhymes too closely with whine—ask how, as in, how are you going to deal with this.

The first exercise we usually recommend, and it seems like a good idea here, is to define her job as your prospective partner. Of course you value her as a mother, but you also need to be sure she can commit a certain amount of time and money to sharing a life with you, and that her commitments are not too easily compromised by her ex-, her kid, or her reactions to same.

As always, you’ll learn more from what she does than from what she says or promises. If she’s already in debt, you know where he stands. She needs your support, yes, but won’t be able to provide much of her own, other than, well, a thank you note.

On the other hand, if she can take some time for the two of you without cancelling at the last minute because her ex- begged her for unexpected baby-sitting, and if she can budget some savings for whatever the two of you wish to do together, then you’ve got an engagement.

The second exercise is not setting a wedding date, but checking to see if your planned investment in time and money is going ahead as planned. If she’s actually spending the time and saving the money, then you’re well on your way. The ring, the dress, and the vows are window-dressing.

Unlike the above case, nobody in this relationship is a jerk; the circumstances of your relationship, however, might be jerking you around. Take an objective look at your future, and if reality can’t support your wishes, you owe it to her and yourself to thank her for your time together and move on.

STATEMENT:
“I know my fiancée’s intentions are good, but I don’t know how well she can discipline her intentions into the reality of a partnership. I will face the truth, whatever it is. I will find it by watching how well she manages the time and money we require for a future together.”