Career Chick

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 21, 2011

If you’re a hard-working woman who fails to achieve her ambitions, you probably want to eliminate whatever gets in your way, whether it’s sexism or an obstacle within your personality (all while being stereotyped as a shoulder-pad-wearing, stiletto-wielding, backstabbing she-beast). Don’t forget, however, that the most common obstacle isn’t evil co-workers or ill-fitting suits, but the irritating fact that life is hard and unfair, meaning it’s completely out of your perfectionistic control and power to eliminate. That’s why you can never let your definition of success depend on luck or outcomes, or judge yourself by how far you get. Instead, base your evaluation on what you do with whatever you’ve got, including bad luck, stereotypes, and fashion.
–Dr. Lastname

I am writing about my wife, who’s in her 50s. She is a very successful surgeon (one in a handful women head of dept. in her country), but she’s been very unhappy at work and I am writing you a), for advice on how I can help her and b), to ask if there is something I overlooked. She is unhappy since she has now twice been sidelined and been made to leave jobs where she worked very hard and believed she made a positive difference. In the first case, her department (one she build from scratch to become the largest in the region) was merged with another to meet international norms, but she was passed over to head the new, merged unit and was asked to accept half her salary (she refused and won a settlement in a lawsuit). In the second case she ran a department for a few years, then management decided to hire a new head as her senior and restrict her duties to exclude her specialties and personal preferences. She decided to stay, but even though she’s working hard, and numbers and patient reports say she is doing a good job, she not only does not receive recognition she craves, but sees her career and job threatened again. She cannot do her job halfheartedly, but she doesn’t have a sunny temperament and is hard on herself. Our children have moved away, and she and I work so hard we really only see each other on weekends, so there’s so much to put her happiness in peril. How can I help her? Why did she get demoted? Would fixing her work fix things or make them better?

Of course you’d like to spare your surgeon wife the unhappiness that goes with perfectionism and power politics. You love her, you want to see her happy, and you wish you could remove the pain the way she’d slice off a tumor.

Before I get to all the questions you’ve posed, however, you need to ask yourself one important thing—why or how you think sparing her such pain is possible.

Lots of good surgeons are perfectionistic, to both their advantage and detriment; working hard while not playing well with others is, no pun intended, how most surgeons operate. Also, many executives, both medical and civilian, know what it’s like to be humiliated by a lying boss or a change in who’s in charge.

Unfortunately, it’s not in your power to change her work unless she’s been doing something wrong that you and she can both correct. So far, you haven’t found it. You can’t change her luck, as bad as it’s sometimes been, nor can you change the part of her character that pushes her to work harder to get the recognition she deserves.

What you can do, however, is look for the telltale signs that she holds herself responsible for what she doesn’t control. Ask yourself whether she seems obsessed with proving herself, gaining recognition or being treated fairly. If she does, then you have something good to offer—your respect and perspective.

Tell her that, while you’re aware she’s been treated unfairly, passed over for prestige jobs, demoted, and given work to do that she doesn’t really like, you don’t really care. You’re more concerned with what she’s done with this humiliation and bad luck, and that what she’s done is truly impressive; she has worked hard, helped people, made a living, raised kids, loved her partner, and never let humiliation stop her. She’s your idea of success.

Having made this distinction, ask her whether she’d prefer to work elsewhere, work less, work at something else, or whatever, because, as someone who has nothing to prove, she’s entitled to do what she wants. No matter what her answer, you can offer the strongest weapons in your arsenal, support and perspective.

Assure her that her pain is an unavoidable result of life’s unfairness, respect her for bearing it well, and encourage her to treat herself with that respect. You might not be a slicing surgeon who can remove her pain, but you are her husband, which is one better.

STATEMENT:
“I wish my wife had better luck at work and was less frustrated and unhappy; but that’s not her fault. I respect what she’s done with her luck and wish she could share my feeling of pride in who she is and what she’s accomplished.”

I am in a major career crisis. I am 42-years-old and have devoted much of my life to being a musician and performer. I moved to France a few years ago to make a go of it there, and almost succeeded … only to walk away due to problems with my management. I came home and had a baby with my wonderful man (on this front I have no complaints). More than four years have passed now since I have been back, and I have no desire to pick up with music again, although I am being prodded by people to go back into it now. I know I should be recording but I don’t, even though I can do so at home. I barely practice, I barely write—it is as though my inspiration has gone … I already feel very hopeless about what I might be able to accomplish on a career front musically, and am avoiding it. I see peers with as much talent (or less!) doing well and I wonder what my problem has always been. A fear of success perhaps, or a deep lack of belief? Either way, I am becoming very stressed out about not having time to focus on a career (as the caregiver to my dear baby) and that I am running out of time … but also that I am not 100% sure I want to go back into music—yet plagued by the thought of regret years down the road and also of disappointing people who think I need to go back into it. What if they are right and I am simply in denial? I know I am really talented and good at what I do. My goal is to find clarity around this situation and make some decisions I can work with.

When a highly motivated and accomplished person has trouble getting it together, I always wonder whether the problem is a lack of motivation or a neurologic change in the get-up-and-go center in the brain.

That second possibility is real, particularly for people who’ve had depression. Long after the depression is gone, they still can’t accomplish nearly as much as they used to. They often think it’s a lack of confidence or a change in priorities, “a fear of success” or “a lack of belief,” when the equally probable answer is neurologic dysfunction (or, as I call it, PDSD, post-depressive stress disorder).

Ask yourself whether you’re having trouble with other tasks that are complicated or require you to structure your own time, such as doing your taxes, keeping your place clean and organized, or practicing your instrument without a parent looking over your shoulder.

Whatever the cause of your professional stagnation, you also need to think objectively about the value of re-starting your musical career. Put aside your self-criticism and and prepare a standard business plan; first, add up the negatives such as the cost in time, travel and separation from family, and then compare them to the positives in terms of your pleasure in performing, projected income, and the value of doing something important and worthwhile.

If, after doing this evaluation, you think reviving your career is worth doing, regardless of your oomphlessness, don’t wait until your motivation returns. Instead, try to give yourself more structure by scheduling your practice times and inviting friends who know you’re having trouble with your discipline to come over, listen, and offer encouragement (or maybe your mother can stand over your shoulder).

Otherwise, there’s nothing else you need to do and there’s no need for self-recrimination. If you really want to play music, but no amount of help can get you going, then it’s sad, but that’s life, especially for artists, good ones included. You wouldn’t blame yourself if arthritis prevented you from practicing, and an inability to get going is no different.

As long as you’ve tried your best, you need never see yourself as a failure just because you can no longer perform. Just because your get-up-and-go might have got-up-and-left, you still have reasons to be proud, even if they won’t be expressed in song.

STATEMENT:
“It’s weird to have lost my desire to play music and it hurts to hear people wonder whatever’s happened to me and where is she now. But I’m determined to figure out whether a musical career is still worthwhile and, if I think it is, to do all I can to make it work. If I can’t, I have a loss to mourn, but nothing to be ashamed of.”