Destructive-Compulsive

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 14, 2011

All kids mess up—they take after parents, after all. Even more than their parents, they’re vulnerable to acting impulsively due to a cranial cocktail of stupidity, hormones and youth. They’re half-baked brains often interfere with any and all important activities, from behaving decently to getting homework done. There’s no good reason to hold them responsible for most of what goes wrong, then, but every reason to hold them and ourselves responsible for trying any reasonable remedial tactic and treatment. You can’t stop the apple from falling where it will, but you may be able to pick it up before the worms get it.
–Dr. Lastname

My 15-year-old daughter was stealing, using drugs, and staying out all night until I had her arrested and brought to court in shackles, where the judge put her under the supervision of a probation officer. At that point, which was a week ago, she started to behave herself and act like the nice kid she can sometimes be, until today, when I noticed money missing from my wallet and found a bong in her room. I hate putting her through another “scared straight” court confrontation, but she has choices, and she has to learn that there are consequences. My goal is to make sure she makes the right ones.

I’ve heard that nutty “kids have choice” concept applied to fatties, druggies, and sex perverts, as well as kids. I’ve also seen it proven false. Every time.

Everyone wants choices, but when impulses take over, they can get you to do things before the concept of choice has even entered your head. That’s why, at this point, the choice is yours, not hers; whether or not to slow her down with some tough training.

If you do that, she’ll have time to realize she has choices the next time impulse takes over. It’s either that or she can be my first patient to accept my offer of a lobotomy.

Besides, you know what it’s like to be told you have a choice when your impulses have gotten the better of you. It makes you want to eat, steal, get high, and cut off your nose to spite your face.

It might help to see her actions as more of a seizure than a choice. That’s not to say that you should accept her shitty behavior and pat her on the head for stealing just because she’s into being an outlaw. You’ll be more effective at improving her self-control, however, if you lay off with the shoulda/couldas and the accusations of irresponsibility and blame while laying down the law.

Don’t feel guilty if your actions cause pain—the pain you’re causing by bringing her to court is minor compared to the pain she’ll encounter if she keeps on her present course. Don’t make her suffer any more than necessary. What’s more important to you than the possibility of pain, and makes that pain necessary, is that it helps her acquire the self-control you know she needs.

Blaming yourself can be as destructive as blaming her; if you feel responsible for her condition, her pain, or the damage she does, you’ll wear out at just the point when you need to hang tough. You deserve to respect yourself for bearing this burden, not guilt for somehow spawning it.

The problem isn’t your fault, or hers, but you’ve got to do your best to clean it up. You’re allowed to punish your daughter for fucking up, but not because you believe she had a choice, but because you want to give her one. If she can’t learn to recognize and rein in her impulses, she can learn to appreciate a lobotomized life.

STATEMENT:
“I’m crazy with worry about my daughter’s drugging and my inability to straighten her out; but I know I love her and I see signs that my court-backed tough love approach can help her build self-control, so that’s what I’ll do. She’s got a weakness that’s nobody’s fault, so I’m not really punishing her for bad choices; I’m putting her through some tough exercises to make her stronger, and I’m looking for the strength to do what I’ve got to do.”

Our daughter was doing beautifully until her senior year in high school, when her grades slipped and she seemed to have more and more trouble turning in her homework, taking exams, and general finding the energy to do anything. The more we try to help her and monitor her homework, the angrier she gets and the more time she spends on her computer, looking at Facebook. Luckily, she got into a good college in spite of the dip in her grades, but now we’re worried about her ability to get work done when no one is looking over her shoulder. Our goal is to be sure she doesn’t waste a huge tuition.

When a smart kid who gets good grades starts to slack off and aggressive nagging hasn’t worked, you’ve got to start wondering whether the problem is beyond anyone’s control. At least in this case, nobody has to break out the shackles (see above).

If the problem is out of everyone’s hands and you keep nagging, shackles or no, you’ll make it worse and then depression and angry silence will complicate her meltdown.

I know, it’s hard not to think that her good performance last year proves that she could do the same this year if she really wanted to. Alas, fans used the same kind of wishful thinking to blame slugger Big Papi for slumping in the first half of 2010 since he was performing so far below his 2009 batting average. It wasn’t for lack of effort, however, and I’m sure your daughter can say the same thing.

So instead of clinging to your expectations for a repeat MVP or expressing fears for her future, start investigating the usual causes of dyscontrol: depression and bad habits, otherwise known as addictions. As long as your emotions are under control, you can do much of the investigation yourself. After all, you’re on the spot, you spend lots of time with her, and the diagnostic tools you need aren’t technical rocket science.

Don’t hesitate to ask her whether she feels depressed, suicidal or just unhappy all the time. Do homework with her and see if she has trouble paying attention. Ask teachers whether she seems unhappy or has changed her behavior. Don’t forget that depression often causes irritability, even when there’s nothing new to be angry about, and it can also impair concentration, much like an acquired form of ADD.

As for addiction, do what you can to manage her computer-time and see if it makes a difference. The data you gather from your experiments will help you decide whether you need more advice from a therapist or psychiatrist on how to manage and/or treat her mood, her behavior, or both.

If, after doing your best to help her, you remain doubtful about her capacity to do schoolwork, don’t feel bound to send her to college because it would break her heart not to go. Your higher priority is to preserve the resource of her tuition so that she can get her money’s worth when she’s recovered, and to help her deal with adversity and make the best of it. It’s not easy, but at least it’s less “scared straight,” more recuperate.

STATEMENT:
“I’m afraid my daughter’s unexplained dip in performance may doom her to failure in college; but I won’t let fear stop me from trying to figure out the nature of her problem and trying to help her. If she’s not ready, I’ll urge her to be patient, do her best with what she’s got, and see herself as successful as long as she’s trying.”