To Disrespect and Deserve

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 10, 2011

Those of us who make our livings from human interaction wouldn’t turn much of a profit if people weren’t so sensitive to what others were thinking. When you sense that those thoughts aren’t positive, it’s hard to overcome the hurt and anger and remember what you were after in the first place. If, however, you can put aside any thought of expressing negative feelings and stick to your own script, you can avoid the pitfalls of being over perceptive (and save money on my services).
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve run a small non-profit for 20 years and always enjoyed a good relationship with my board, but the new chairman, who’s a nice guy, has started to drive me crazy. We should be working closely together on a search for the new chief financial officer, but instead this guy seems to be waiting until the last minute and does nothing to keep me in the loop. I want to let him know I’m upset with the way he’s been avoiding and ignoring my input and get the search process back on track. My goal is to regain control at work and get the respect I deserve after two decades at this job.

Life is an endless series of assaults on your respect. Your kids don’t respect you, your Starbucks cashier doesn’t respect you, the people who write ads for the Superbowl certainly don’t respect you. Alas.

So, no matter how much right you have to feel disrespected, and how hard it is to ignore the feeling, disrespect is not the issue you should be addressing, or really bother addressing, ever.

As the wise Carrie Fisher once said, “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Focusing on this other guy and his perceived slights just distracts you from your own agenda.

You know what will happen if you imply your opinion has been disregarded, and it doesn’t involve a tearful mea culpa. Instead, the chair will deny that was his intention and explain how carefully he has tried to keep you informed. You’ll detail his mistakes, he’ll suggest you’re mistaken and oversensitive, and you’ll be further away than ever from the collaboration you need to get the job done.

Your real priority is to conduct an effective search for a key position; you have the experience to know how such a search should be conducted and the standing to believe your advice will be well received. Your goal then is to get the process on track without making anyone feel criticized, particularly those who deserve it. You know what you’re doing, so instead of throwing a tantrum, show those clowns how it’s done.

Write up a proposed plan for the search for the CFO, including job description, timelines, and a schedule of work-meetings between you and the chair. Present it as a summary of what’s worked well in the past. Praise the achievements of the current board and chair, while reminding them of the need to move quickly. If necessary, ask for support from prior chairs. Invite comments while urging a finalization of your schedule.

Given your experience on the job and good relationship with the board, assume that your proposal deserves respect and that the structure you’re providing will help the chair and board get going while putting you at the center of the process.

The other guy might be a pain, but when he ignores you, it’s due more to incompetence than disrespect. When you show your competence, you’ll get results, and that means a lot more than respect, no matter how much humiliation you experience from work, wife, kids and Doritos commercials.

STATEMENT:
“I’m worried and annoyed by the way my chair keeps his distance and drags his feet, but I know what I’m doing, I’ve got good political support, and I’m more likely to drag him into an effective collaboration by providing praise, plans, and structure than by airing my negative feelings about our relationship.”

My goal is to get a new job as a saleswoman now that my old job has dried up, but it will be hard because the economy sucks and the ads say they want a young person with “piss and vinegar who has the raw energy to take on all comers.” I’m not young anymore, although I’m good at identifying key people and pursuing them personally until I can create a relationship. I would have succeeded at my previous job if the product support team had been barely competent, which they weren’t. I’d like to succeed, but I have my doubts.

If you accept other people’s definition of success, in terms of dollars, age, energy, piss, or vinegar, you’ll define yourself as a failure without actually trying to do a damn thing.

Fortunately, you’re smarter than that. You respect your experience and effort, and if you’re doing sales after all these years, it’s because that’s what you like to do and do well.

Yes, someone else may say that you’re old and tired and haven’t generated any good numbers lately, but your goal is to present your reasons for seeing yourself as a success with much to offer, despite the fact you’re piss- and vinegar-deficient (and overly abundant in years).

The challenge is to ignore your feelings of doubt and sensitivity to what others are thinking, and instead go out and do what you do best: make the sale. Except in this case, you’re selling yourself as an employee.

Don’t accept their way of thinking and feel apologetic for not looking young and successful in their eyes. Tell them how they’d benefit greatly from your services and why they’d be smarter to see things the way you do.

Using reasonable measures of success, describe your strengths: your level of effort, patience, selectiveness, and ability to generate reliable long-term sales based on trust. What you lack in youth, you have in experience. Perhaps you still have some piss and vinegar in you yet.

STATEMENT:
“I’m an experienced saleswoman with a proven ability to target key people in an organization, create relationships, and treat them as clients who can trust me to safeguard their interests. I am interested in selling products that I can believe in. I’m old enough to be smart and young enough to still be hungry.”