Do-It-Yourself-Help

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 7, 2011

When in the midst of one of life’s many shit storms, it’s easy to forget that feeling helpless and feeling that things are out of your control aren’t the same thing. It’s probably true that you don’t have much control over what troubles you, but that doesn’t mean you’re totally powerless and doomed to total annihilation. Helplessness, after all, is just a feeling, and a dangerous one if it makes you give up, lose faith, or act like a jerk. So if you can take a step back and look at what you actually can do, even if it’s very little, those shitty storm clouds will begin to clear.
–Dr. Lastname

I can’t stand myself since I lost my job—I know I hated my boss and I was looking forward to retiring in a year, but I liked the clients and was good at what I did—but getting fired was humiliating and unfair and now I don’t feel like doing anything or going out. I can’t make myself feel better and my medications aren’t working and my friends can’t cheer me up. My goal is to feel like my old self and do the kind of work I can now afford to do, since I don’t really need the money.

The job you lost is one you hated, you have enough money to live on, and you now have the freedom to do whatever you want…this is probably what you’ve already heard from your friends a million times.

What they don’t know is that thinking that way just makes you feel worse.

The truth is that some people are particularly incensed by snubs and/or injustice, and their feelings are so powerful and tidal that they just can’t be stopped or diverted by philosophical consolations, no matter how practical. Emotions have a life of their own.

In some ways, it may be a blessing to have such intense feelings; you can make strong emotional connections, and people feel you care. The burden, on the other hand, is the feeling of painful injury, anger, and helplessness that you’re experiencing now.

If you have that kind of overwhelming reaction, don’t expect any truths or prescription pills to make you feel better any time soon. Expectations will just add to your outrage since you’ll be angry that no one and nothing—your lawyer, shrink, friends, or medications—have eased your pain. It will just make you madder, until you whirl into an agitated fit like John Belushi’s self-assaulting samurai.

Of course, it’s probably worthwhile trying new medications, but not if you expect them to do too much too soon. Antidepressants are sometimes amazingly good at reducing rage and sensitivity, but you never know when they’ll work (odds are 50/50), and it takes weeks before you know. Expectations, again, are dangerous because they stoke your anger, so expect to be doing most of the heavy lifting yourself.

The sad news is that you will probably feel more than your share of outrage for much longer than you deserve. The good news though is that it will go away eventually, and that it will probably go away sooner if you can discipline yourself to keep busy, shut up about how you feel, and prevent the rage from damaging other parts of your life.

Instead of crying woe and airing your wounds, do a fxckfeelings.com standard assessment of your needs and priorities. List the activities you need and like to do, and include what’s good for you, whether you feel like it or not, including exercising and seeing friends. Then work out a schedule and get to work doing all the things that distract you from how you feel.

It’s hard to bottle up the dam of righteous resentment, but contrary to something else you’ve heard a million times, bottling that stuff up can’t kill you. Letting it all out, at least in this case, would actually be letting it take over your life.

STATEMENT:
“It hurts to be insulted and pushed out of my job, but my boss’s opinions and actions can’t change my actual achievements or my own opinion about their worth. Now my job is to continue to do what I believe in doing and not let negative feelings take over my activities, conversation or relationships.”

For the past 10 years, my husband and I have done everything in our power to get help for our daughter, who often gets weird, paranoid ideas that stop her from studying or working and stir up trouble with her teachers and bosses. We thought things would get better when she married a nice man and began working for a friend of ours who understood her difficulties, but things have fallen apart again—she’s holed up in her apartment and won’t let anyone in, including her husband, and we’re overwhelmed with helplessness and depression. My goal is to get her to see the unreality of her ideas and persuade her to get help.

You can’t argue a young schizophrenic out of her paranoid ideas without making things worse. After all, even yelling at a sane person to stop being paranoid is less than effective.

For one thing, you’re scaring her by expressing feelings of fear and urgency. For another thing, you’re telling a terrified girl to mistrust what her brain is telling her, which will scare her more. To be helpful, you must accept the fact that her brain is sick and that reasoning is not an option.

Of course, you’re entitled to feel frightened and heartsick; but showing your feelings is never a good idea when you’re taking care of someone who’s sick. Your job is to seem calm and have a plan.

What complicates the plan for helping someone who is paranoid and refusing help is the law; legally, you can’t force help on a paranoid person unless they’re in immediate danger of hurting others or themselves. Laws in most states block involuntary treatment, even when there is evidence that the brain is deteriorating without it.

(Needless to say, no such laws prevent you from helping a help-rejecter who has meningitis or some other brain disease that isn’t called “mental illness.” Go figure. I blame the Scientologists.)

Your plan then requires you to stay calm, monitor your daughter’s safety, and call the cops when something she says or does indicates she’s not safe. At that point they can legally scoop her up and take her to an emergency room, and a doctor can then commit your daughter involuntarily and consider methods of involuntary treatment.

Like any parent, you want to use all the weapons in your arsenal to heal your child, but the law, the nature of her disease, and the futility of controlling others makes that impossible. Instead, find strength in parenting the best you can despite your circumstances, and use your strength to be the rock your daughter needs.

STATEMENT:
“It’s agony to watch my daughter’s craziness stop her from getting ahead in life and not be able to help or protect her; but I know what I need to do and I take pride in my ability to tolerate this miserable situation without giving up on the other important things in my life or losing hope that, when the right time comes, I’ll be able to do her some good.”