Prudent Parents

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 24, 2011

As a general rule, the worst kind of advice is unsolicited, but when you’re a parent, it often feels like giving your two cents is your duty, even if no one asks for it. Of course, it’s hard to offer good advice to your children about touchy, questionable decisions they’ve already made. It’s amazing what you can say and get away with, however, if, instead of giving them a piece of your mind, you take the time to ask them questions about where their mind’s at without any negativity or judgment. Hopefully, you’ll come to a conclusion that makes sense to both of you, and you can save your two cents for a rainy day.
–Dr. Lastname

I wish I could be sure that my daughter is getting the right treatment for my grandson. He’s 7-years-old and been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and his doctor started him on a drug called Abilify, which has some nasty side-effects. I’ve read on the internet that Abilify can be harmful to kids and I wish my daughter and her husband would think twice before allowing themselves to be talked into using it, but I don’t want to intrude into their decision. My goal is to make sure my grandson isn’t harmed.

Never ask someone if they’re sure they know what they’re doing, because if they weren’t sure, you wouldn’t need to ask in the first place.

If you do end up asking your daughter why she’s exposing her son to a dangerous medication, not only will she answer yes, but she’ll give you an annoyed earful as to how she’s doing the right thing, how you don’t know what you’re talking about, and how you should just mind your own business.

She might not know what she’s doing, but neither did you when you opened your mouth.

If you want to talk to your daughter about your concerns, it’s possible, but only if you stay away, not just from provocative questions, but the negative emotions that push them out your mouth.

Instead, follow your usual procedures for conducting a risk-benefit analysis by asking about circumstances that might be endangering your grandson’s safety, and thus justify the Abilify decision.

Ask if she’s worried that he might hurt himself or do some serious damage or if he sounds like his mind is melting down. In other words, ask her the questions that she should be asking herself as a parent responsible for making a difficult decision about her son’s health.

Usually, you’ll find out that something spooky was happening and that no one could think of a treatment other than medication that could make your grandson safe or stop him from having crazy thoughts. So, while it’s bad that he’s in danger and no one can think of a quick, safe treatment, at least the treatment decision makes sense.

That’s the way medication like Abilify is usually used; it’s not prescribed as a safe treatment after doctors have made a definitive diagnosis, but as a not-so-safe treatment that might stop even-more-dangerous symptoms arising from a mental disorder. Definitive diagnoses don’t yet exist for mental illnesses and anybody who tells you differently is trying to sell you something (maybe even some Abilify).

If nothing scary has happened to your grandson, then, yes, you’ve got to wonder why his parents (and a doctor) think a high risk medication is worth trying. At this point, it’s OK to wonder out loud, as long as you don’t imply that someone is being mean, stupid or careless. For example, you could ask your daughter if she thinks the doctor’s worried that something dangerous could happen in the near future if your grandson doesn’t take this drug.

If it turns out your daughter isn’t worried, point out the side effects and ask her if she thinks the risk is worth it. You’re sure you know what you’re doing, and with the right questions, so will your daughter.

STATEMENT:
“My grandson’s treatment seems like dangerous overkill, but I’ll push my fear aside while I ask good, rational questions about their reasons for being worried about his health and safety and offer them a rational model for making tough treatment decisions.”

I’m worried about my son’s drug abuse, but I feel I’ve got no right to speak up about anything in my home. Five years ago, my husband found I was a secret drinker, and since then, he acts like anything I have to say is a stupid lie. I cleaned up my act because I hated the lying and wanted to be a good mother, but I’ve felt like I’m on probation ever since, and it’s hard to speak up. How can I help my son?

One of the worst things about a bad habit, like addictive drinking, is that shame of drinking drives you to drink. As vicious cycles go, it’s quite effective.

Here, you’ve done the hard work of getting sober in spite of the cycle and the shame, and for all the right reasons, but the stigma lingers on and drives you, no longer to drink, but to muzzle yourself when you have good right and reason to speak up.

It’s too bad your husband doesn’t trust you, but that’s no reason not to trust yourself. Of course you can’t be sure that you won’t drink again, but you can be sure that you know a great deal about addiction and that you’ve found the strength to stop for many years now. You deserve credit, and he (and you) would be wise to recognize your strength.

You also have a great deal of wisdom about drinking that you can share with your son, but don’t offer that wisdom via an impassioned plea for sobriety, backed by the authenticity of your personal experience. That’s the kind of pressure that usually turns people off and ends conversations/chances to help.

As noted above, however, you can often talk comfortably about touchy topics if you keep negative emotion to yourself. So, instead of telling him that he’s scaring you or making a mess of his life (as you did), ask him whether he thinks he’s drinking too much and what measures he would use to make that assessment, talking frankly about the measures you used to judge your own situation, which (as you mentioned) were your sense that lying was hurting your marriage and preventing you from being a reliable mother. Those were yours; encourage him to define his.

Just by talking frankly about your own experience, you’re dispelling the shame of drinking. You’re telling him that you don’t disrespect yourself for being a drunk; you’re proud of yourself for what you did with your alcoholism and you’re encouraging him to put aside secrecy and shame and think about where he stands.

Don’t share your emotions, share your process and support, and don’t let shame or your husband hold you back.

STATEMENT:
“I’m worried about my son’s drinking and ashamed of my own; but I know I can’t control his drinking and sharing my feelings will make it worse. Instead, I’ll try to teach him how to think about his drinking, assess its impact on his life, and make his own decisions about it. To do that, in spite of how I really feel, would be amazing.”