Good Cop/Bad Spouse

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 10, 2011

It’s nice to be on the same page with your partner, but if you’re not, don’t assume you’ve got to get there; don’t even assume you’re reading the same book. Good partners sometimes have differences that are not going to be bridged by love, faith, or psychotherapy, but if you’re prepared to agree to disagree and can stand by your own values without requiring support, you can often continue to work together and at least share the same library.
–Dr. Lastname

My husband is a great guy and a pied piper with kids, including our own, but he’s really pissing me off because he can never say “no” when they cry, and so our parenting partnership has started to look like good cop/bad cop, and guess who gets to be the bad guy. If I try to get some quiet one-to-one time with them at bed time and he happens to be around, they cry, he comes running, and I’m chopped liver. Then I stew about the kids, but it’s not their fault, because I never get a chance to be the fun one so they don’t know me that way. I feel he never supports me and it’s driving me crazy.

As we always say, parenting, like relationships, like anything worth a damn, requires a lot of hard work. Unfortunately, your husband is leaving you with the bulk of the heavy lifting, and if you truly are a bad cop, he might need some tough love.

Of course you deserve your husband’s support when the kids need to be told “no,” or be disciplined, or abide by your perfectly good bed time plan. Maybe, if you let him know that you’re unhappy with his behavior, he’ll back off, man up, and learn how to wear the black hat in a good cause.

I assume, however, that you’re writing me because he can’t do that, and it leaves you feeling unloved and disrespected, so now you don’t so much want his support as you want to get through his thick skull.

Trouble is, you may not be able to get his support, no matter how much he loves you, how well you explain things or how many episodes of “Super Nanny” you get him to watch. He may be a guy who just tends to focus on how to make people feel happy and doesn’t see a bigger picture. If you try too hard to get through to him, you’ll wear yourself out and your anger will push him and the kids closer together and you’ll go from their bad cop to the big bad witch.

Instead, review your kid-plans to make sure they’re right, reasonable, and worth the trouble of taking a stand. Figure out your own criteria for taking a stand, other than being pissed off. Good reasons include being shut out from what you think of as your proper share of parenting, or having your authority undermined to the point that the kids behave badly or, worst of all, unsafely. It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye (or gets a divorce).

Then figure out ways of responding that do not require his support or involvement. These may require you to spend more time alone with the kids and impose rules that he might not agree with, but if you want to keep your romantic partnership, forget about his support and prepare to walk your own beat and administer the law as you see it.

STATEMENT:
“My husband and I love our kids and both want what’s best for them, but his sensitivity to their unhappiness sometimes crowds me out and undermines my authority. If he can’t see it, I’ll arrange to have more time alone with them and figure out rules I can enforce, whether or not he agrees. Instead of expressing my anger, I’ll express respect for our differences and confidence in my own way of doing things.”

My girlfriend’s ex- is a crazy guy who is always flinging wild accusations at her, then making nice and inviting her to hang out, then getting mad again and threatening to go to court. She hates confrontation, and I’m sympathetic, but then she buys into the “you’re a nice mother and the kids like to see us getting along,” and agrees to have dinner with them, and I feel like the intensity of her relationship with him leaves no room for us to make a life together. I can’t help feeling that if she cared more about me, she wouldn’t spend so much time talking to him and going along with his “happy peaceful family” ideas. This guy is a toxic nut-job, and my goal is to get him out of our life.

It’s hard to feel your girlfriend loves you when you find yourself playing a bit-part in an ongoing soap opera directed by her ex-, but love or the lack of it may have nothing to do with her over-involvement in her old, expired marriage.

She may be easily intimidated by guilt or seduced by unrealistic dreams of the happy, peaceful family she can’t have. Or, she may be like the dad above, eager to make everyone happy (in a way that always seems to leave someone miserable).

In any case, you have good reason to object to her reactiveness and its potential impact on your partnership. If you respond with hurt and anger, however, you’ll find yourself lining up to see who can make her feel guiltier, and remember, you’re up against someone who is more unscrupulous and nasty than you are, plus, he’s the father of her kids (which he knows is his trump card).

As noted above, you also can’t expect her to see what she’s doing wrong. It would be nice, but, if you haven’t gotten through by now, you probably won’t. Her view of the world is different, and he’ll always be in her orbit.

Instead, keep your anger to yourself and create rules you think are necessary to your starting a life together. For example, you could insist that her ex e-mail instead of phone, that face time should be minimal, and that instead of allowing his legal threats to bully her into making concessions, she should take them to a lawyer and call his bluff.

These rules will help your girlfriend damp down the drama and show her ex that intimidation won’t work. In turn, your girlfriend will see how rules can help her and that you two can work well together.

STATEMENT:
“I know my girlfriend loves me, but I’m concerned that her reactiveness to her ex- gives him more control over her life than is good for her or tolerable by me. I will create rules, explain without anger why I believe they’re good for everyone, and make it clear that following them is a necessity for our relationship. I can’t expect her to understand and shouldn’t try to win her agreement. I can hope, however, that my firmness and hopefulness about our relationship will induce her to follow them anyway. If not, at least I’ll know I’ve done my best.”