Relative Resolve

Posted by fxckfeelings on January 3, 2011

As most of you gentle readers have probably learned in the last week or so, Dr. Phil is officially wrong; family gatherings are made yet more miserable with good communication. The sad fact is that most of us possess the innate ability to show negative feelings without even opening our mouths, thus stimulating the worst fears and disappointments of our near and dear ones, and then, by a remarkable miracle, reading their negative body language and doing the same. It’s a game of emotional telephone where everyone trapped under one roof sharing a bloodline ends up miserable. You could hate yourself, hate your family, or just comfort eat (much like Dr. Phil?), or you could learn how to communicate more carefully.
–Dr. Lastname

For years, I’ve struggled with depression, and while I don’t blame my brother for all of my problems, he has become something of an anti-anti-depressant. I just spent a week with our parents and my brother’s family (wife and two young kids), and it was exhausting, not because I had to watch the kids, who are great, but because my brother constantly pisses me off and I use all my energy biting my tongue. And the thing is, I accept why less is expected of him; I don’t have kids, so when we’re all together I should be expected to help out more around the house. The problem is the way my brother acts so entitled and patronizing…or maybe I’m just being overly sensitive , or I deserve to bear more of the load around the house just like I deserve to die alone, etc., etc., and I’m depressed again. My goal is to be able to spend time with my whole family without feeling like my whole life sucks.

There’s nothing you can do to change your married-with-kids brother’s irritating manner, or the way your parents treat him as the successful favorite, or the black feelings they stir in your depressed, deserve-to-die-alone soul.

On the other hand, remember that disappointment echoes back and forth between close relatives, even when they’re trying to hide how they feel. Your brother may be withdrawing in response to your depression, you may be hurt by his withdrawal, and so on, while the evidence piles up to confirm your feelings of humiliation and worthlessness.

Meanwhile, you may be relatively unaware of your own negativity and/or unable to control it, other than to avoid saying something nasty (and that is, really, a major achievement). So one goal is to fake being positively polite, so as to prevent your negative feelings from contributing, even passively, to the basic crap-package.

Your goal isn’t to be extra-polite or phony, just not add to the trouble. Learn to recognize your own negative behaviors if you feel there’s no one around to ask (e.g., parents who always assume you’re negative while your brother is the second coming, etc.).

Assuming that these whole-family meetings are unavoidably painful, and assuming that you can’t exchange this family for a new, less crappy one, you also need to decide how often these reunions should occur. You seem to believe, as I do, that their painfulness doesn’t mean that they’re worthless (as long as they’re niece or nephew-ful), just that they’re painful. Add it all up before deciding how often you commit yourself to these meetings, and then give yourself credit for doing something difficult.

Don’t see these meetings as efforts to win anyone’s approval other than your own, and don’t see yourself as a victim. Join the family party as often as you think it’s necessary, try to meet your own standards for decent behavior, and maybe find a partner so you can go visit his or her family instead during the holidays. Then you and your soul can find a whole new world of pain.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t help being depressed and getting more depressed at full-family meetings. If I show up, however, it’s not because I expect to feel happy, but because I believe it’s worthwhile and choose to go, even if it requires an unusual level of behavioral control and an ability to tolerate lots of depression, disappointment and irritation.”

I’d like to get along with my father and his new girlfriend, but she goes out of her way to be offensive, and my dad always takes her side. She’s not subtle, and other members of our family are shocked by her behavior and think I’ve been relatively polite and restrained. Anyway, I’ve let him know that I’m upset, and he has lots to lose, because my sisters and I all have our own lives, we see the problem the same way, and I’m the one with his grandchildren, but he seems more interested in showing his girlfriend that he’s a supportive guy and that he knows how to set limits on his misbehaving kids. Don’t get me wrong, he was a good father in some ways; but there were lots of time when he was amazingly self-centered, and I’ve tried hard to forget those time, and my forgetfulness is wearing thin. My goal is to keep this family from falling apart.

One of the good things about independence, supposedly, is that the less you need your parents—for emotional or financial support or whatever—the less likely you are to resent them or hold a grievance. Unfortunately, most of us continue to have some ongoing need for their support, and many parents find new and interesting ways to frustrate that need. Hilarity ensues.

I assume that your father has always been overly supportive of the one he’s with, as opposed to being fair or quieting conflict with his children. If that’s true, then you know that you’re not causing the problem, your dad is just being your dad. So, while you’re not the source of the issue and your dad is, you’re not going to be able to change him any time soon.

You should probably have seen this problem coming, given what your father has done before, but you thought that things would work out in time. Now is the time to grieve your hope for a better relationship and move on.

Don’t make it worse by showing your resentment (see above). You can’t help feeling hurt and insulted, but you can avoid being actively or passively provocative, even if your father’s lady-friend can’t.

Then, decide how often it’s worth getting together with him and (if he won’t have it otherwise) his new love. He’s your father and you may have things you can enjoy together—or not. Balance self-protection with your idea of what’s necessary to sustain a family bond, given that it will never have the value and pleasure you would wish, but he’s your father.

The sad fact is, family relationship are tragic more often than they’re comic, although you and your sisters can always enjoy a good laugh about your father’s latest princess charming.

STATEMENT:
“I love my father, but recognize that he’s a jerk when he’s trying too hard to please his significant other and that I can never trust or rely on him to be a father in the sense of the usual job description. I’ll try to keep my disappointment to myself and live up to my own standards for being respectful and caring, while living my own life.”