Reject Respect

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 27, 2010

Maybe, on an animal level, disrespect is a challenge to our status in the herd that must be met with immediate, overwhelming attack, or we lose out. What an emotional reaction to disrespect usually results in, however, is more conflict and more power to the disrespecter. Take disrespect as a chance to see whether you measure up to your own standards and, if you do, your defense will become simple and require no huffing, puffing, or drama around the watering hole.
–Dr. Lastname

PLEASE NOTE: The next new post will be 1/3/11. Have a happy New Year’s Eve, but for our sake, an unhappy new year overall. (Not really.)

I get no respect and nothing but criticism at home, and only an idiot would stick around. My teen-age daughter complains loudly, to anyone who will listen, including holiday dinner guests, that I was never there for her, and my wife treats her as if she’s a sensitive soul who needs understanding and shouldn’t be contradicted. I think my daughter is verbally abusive, disrespectful, and embarrassing, and that my wife encourages her. As a practicing physician, I have no trouble finding respect at work; at home, I’m chopped liver. Tell me why I shouldn’t leave.

I’ll take your word that you’re a doctor, because your need for respect makes you sound more like a drug dealing thug from “The Wire.”

Disrespect might make you feel like you’re being perceived as weak, but that’s nothing compared to telling yourself, or anyone else, that criticism or disrespect is driving you out of your house.

You think you’re putting your foot down, but that’s a way of proclaiming that you’re a wimp whose personal standards of self-respect are easily overpowered by trash-talk, regardless of whether it’s true or false. It gives power to trash-mouths and whiners.

Your daughter says she was wounded by your neglect, so you’re announcing that you’ve been evicted by her verbal abuse, and so begins your own personal victim-off. The only person who benefits from that game is your shrink.

As a physician, you’re used to criticism from patients, some of it irrational, and hopefully, you know how to respond rationally. If you respond with anger or defensiveness, you’ll fail to address real mistakes and give power to unfair nastiness. Instead, you review your standards, make amends if you should, and respond politely and without emotion.

You hope that your response satisfies your critics, but, regardless, once you’ve offered a professional response, you move on. You don’t throw a hissy fit and declare that ingrates have pushed you out of medicine and that you’re taking the degree you spent years working towards and going home.

Instead of keeping the parental complaint department open indefinitely, develop standards for being a good parent, given what you know about the limits that can’t be helped. Sometimes the work of survival takes most of a parent’s time and energy, and some parents have personalities with pieces missing or disabled by illness, and, of course, some kids are very, very hard to manage. Just know your own limits, accept them, and stand by your efforts once you know you’re doing your best.

Ignore doubt and guilt, because those who feel them usually never stop feeling them, regardless of how well they do, and those who don’t feel them probably should. Instead, judge your parenting by the standards you would apply to anyone else. Remember, parents with major flaws can do a good job if they know their weaknesses and ask help when they need it, so use your village (although maybe a holiday dinner party might not be the time).

In the end, though, if you’re a parent-in-charge and haven’t done anything wrong lately, don’t feel obliged to listen to your daughter’s complaints at your holiday dinner or anywhere else. If you believe in yourself, forget about relying on your wife’s support or defending yourself. Tell your daughter that her remarks are inappropriate and that, if she can’t change the subject, she needs to leave before she says something that will ruin the holiday for everyone, including herself.

After all that, leave the table and come back a few minutes later with another topic, such as asking your guests whether everyone has seen “The Wire.”

STATEMENT:
“I know my daughter is unhappy with my parenting, but I’ve done many good things for her as a parent, regardless of my faults, and I’ve done nothing bad recently, so there’s no good reason to discuss her complaints and many good reasons not to. I will try to stop her without intimidating or humiliating her and without getting drawn into anger, discussion, or defense. I will withdraw if necessary; but, and this is my New Year’s Resolution, I will never be drawn into a discussion I have decided not to have.”

My girlfriend is a wonderful person, but she hasn’t made a good impression on my family. She’s a very articulate intellectual who loves to debate ideas but sometimes ignores the niceties of everyday small-talk and normal social behavior. For example, instead of shaking hands and expressing interest when she’s introduced to someone, she’ll sometimes turn away and get back to the fascinating conversation she was having a moment before. She’s coming with me to the big annual family New Years Eve party, and I worry about my parents and the way they’ll treat her. I wish I could get my family to appreciate and accept her.

You accept your girlfriend’s lack of social graces because you feel her relationships are fundamentally solid. Sure, she may forget your birthday, but she will help out when you need her and put up with you when you’re a grouch. Forget the birthdays, you’ll have a bunch of them; year after year, loyalty is what’s important.

From your point of view, her insensitivity may nevertheless be a problem if you happen to need a partner with fantastic social skills. This happens if you’re a zircon in the rough who is relatively deficient in social skills and need her help in pursuing a profession as a politician, clergyman, or some other target of everyone’s disappointed expectations. In other words, be glad that you’re not that type.

Don’t care too much about whether your family likes her. If you respond to their dislike by attacking them for being mean or unperceptive or angrily rise to her defense, you’ll make the problem worse. They’ll justify their criticism, you’ll feel more protective, and your girlfriend will feel bad for driving a wedge between you and them.

Instead, keep your negative feelings to yourself, and draw on the strength of your convictions to respond to their criticism; you’re convinced she’s a good person and will be a good partner.

You think their misgivings or feelings of being injured are an over-reaction, perhaps because of their protective feelings for you. You won’t discuss the matter further because you’re sure of your point of view, and are now old enough to know that you need never discuss anything you don’t want to discuss. It’s time to put 2010, and their bad attitude, to bed.

STATEMENT:
“I’m sorry my family does not yet feel comfortable with my girlfriend and that they’re concerned, for my sake; but I’ve had a chance to get to know her well and respect her highly as a thoughtful, reliable, respectful friend. I believe, given time, my family will come to see that I’m right and that any further discussion about her is a bad idea.”