Intimidation Relation

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 13, 2010

Emotional blackmail, just like the unemotional kind, can’t be fought back against easily. Normally, blackmail leaves you broke, but when it’s emotional, you’re less broke and more broken, since you end up spending all your energy caring too much about the other person’s feelings. At that point, it doesn’t matter who has the last word; you’ll wind up exhausted and distanced both from the blackmailer and who you really are. To shield yourself from blackmail, know where you stand and why you stand there. After all, if you can hold your head up, they’ve got nothing to hold against you.
–Dr. Lastname

My husband always complains that I’m neglecting him and making him worry when I do what I really like, which is hiking and swimming, because he’s an indoor sort who worries a lot and doesn’t like to be alone. Now that we’re retired and the kids are well on their way in life, we’ve got plenty of time, and I wish he’d come along, but that’s not his nature. I’m not a daredevil, but after I took a serious tumble two years ago while hiking, he forced me to promise I’d never do it alone. Actually, I like company, but the pressure of worrying about when he’s going to go off on me about my selfishness and what I put him through and my lack of respect for his feelings makes me wonder if we’d be better off apart. My goal is to reach a decision about our marriage.

Going into this marriage, you must have known that it would be hard for your “indoor worrier” spouse to find middle ground with a weekend warrior like yourself. Now you’re wondering if you should call off the search.

It’s hard to stay unemotional about choices like this, but the best way to prepare for a decision about ending a marriage is to build up your independence and re-examine any concessions that are wearing you down.

It’s natural to feel pressured by his feelings, because you don’t want to set off an eruption that leaves both of you exhausted. On the other hand, you don’t want to walk on eggshells.

If you don’t get a lid on your emotions, however, you’ll go back and forth between bending over too far backwards, and being resentful and irritable. Bickering with your wife feels like hitting the emotional equivalent of the athlete’s wall.

Start by consulting your own standards for being a good wife and partner. I assume you did your part in raising the kids and that you try hard to meet his needs some of the time, supposing anger hasn’t gotten in the way. If not, try to meet your standards, regardless of how you feel. You need to be proud of yourself as a wife, regardless of his feelings, and if you don’t live up to those standards, you’ll get defensive and fall behind.

Then draw up an activities plan that strikes a reasonable compromise between your needs and his. It should give him a reasonable amount of your time and attention and an opportunity to be happy, if he can accept you and your need for time in the great outdoors. It will not necessarily make him happy, but it should be one that you can believe in.

Don’t be driven by fear of his next eruption, or anger at his last one. Propose a reasonable plan and make it clear you care about him and the marriage, but this is what you’re going to do. Then wait and enjoy the well-earned view from the emotional high ground.

Don’t encourage discussion, unless it’s civil and constructive. Don’t be surprised if he erupts or complains, but leave the room if he does. After you’ve made it clear that you’re not open to blackmail and that you don’t need his approval, see what happens.

Your resentment should clear up, and, if he can accept you, you may have a better life together. Or you could end up on a new set of happy trails, but either way, you were more a negotiator than a warrior when indoors.

STATEMENT:
“My favorite activities often leave my husband lonely and worried and I really regret it, but I’m careful to meet his needs in other ways, I’ve done my part to raise our family, and I can’t help the fact that our interests are different. I’ve put together a fair and reasonable plan for our future. I won’t fight or argue about it. I don’t expect him to like it, but, if he accepts it, our marriage has a chance.”

Now that I’m 30 and married, I wish I could get over being angry at my dad. He’s always telling me he loves me, and I know he does, but he was very unreliable when I was growing up and would often no-show and forget his promises. Actually, he’s like that with everyone, and it’s caused him lots of trouble, but he never sees it. He assumes we’re great friends and calls up and invites himself over for a couple days when he’s in town, and I find myself wishing he would go away. My goal is to get over childish resentment.

To say that your anger at your father is childish resentment is to assume you can get rid of it. No such luck, and you can’t get rid of your dad. Start accepting his faults and the fact that they are always going to drive you crazy, at least a little bit.

If what you say is true, he aggravates everyone by presuming too much, delivering too little, and not noticing how other people feel about him. That’s why your feelings for him will never by unmixed or relaxed, so, like everyone else, you’ll have to think carefully before taking his calls. At least you don’t have to take his prickishness personally, even if you do have to keep taking it.

Now that you know that your father’s bad behavior, and your feelings about it, are unavoidable, decide for yourself how often you should see him and for how long. Don’t make your decision on the basis of resentment, guilt, or a yearning for closeness. Go back to basic principles and ask yourself how often a good, grown son should see a dickhead dad.

Remember, you have other obligations, including making a living and honoring a partnership, so ask yourself how much support is necessary and how much you owe. You can ask other people what they think about your plan, but make it your own. You’re the one who’s accountable.

Imagine the most guilt-provoking thing he could say or do and be ready. If you think he’ll tell you he has to stay the night because he couldn’t find a hotel room, reserve a room in advance. If he gives you sad looks or declares that you’ve changed, express your pleasure at having a chance to see him and your need to limit the time because of other obligations and offer no explanation.

Stick by your plan without justifying it to anyone but yourself. Being out of his house and paying your own way means that you are no longer accountable to him for your decisions. He is who he is, and you’re responsible for making the best of it.

STATEMENT:
“It’s too bad that I can’t rely on my dad and that he can’t take a hint. I’ll keep our relationship going, take care of him when necessary, and show him respect; but I won’t feel obliged to meet his demands, feel any differently, or do anything other than meet my own standards for being a good son.”