Post-Traumatic Mess

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 9, 2010

There are lots of frightening things in life, and unless you want to live out your days in a panic room, freedom from fear is never an option. Besides, if we all gave up after our first major scare or humiliation, everyone would still be hiding in a high school bathroom stall. So, instead of running for cover in your nearest small space, get used to freaking out and/or fucking up and ignoring whatever dismal news or critical judgment that fear tells you is the truth. Rely on your usual, pre-fear abilities to size up dangers, emerge from your hidey-hole, and respect yourself for doing whatever you think is necessary when fear is trying to bring you down.
–Dr. Lastname

I haven’t been able to recover my confidence since my new boss screamed at me and humiliated me in front of my team. He’s an ex-Ranger who’s been known to become abusive, like the drill sergeant he used to be. The company has reprimanded him, and my job isn’t in jeopardy, but even thinking about going back to work leaves me shaking, and I’ve had nightmares, so I need to get myself back together before going back to work.

This may sound unkind; but taking time to feel traumatized won’t put food on your table.

If there were a cure for your condition, I wouldn’t say that. I’d tell you to get cured, feel better, and then get back to work. Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as canned “trauma-be-gone,” but government cheese is very real.

When you flee the scene of trauma, it’s easy to get stuck in victimhood. You’re hanging out at home, depressed, with too much time to ruminate about what you could have/should have said or done. Then your friendly disability insurance examiners cross-examine your story, which makes your trauma worse.

Meanwhile, your employers fear a lawsuit, which make them reluctant to acknowledge what happened. If you’re a husband or wife, your family fears they’ve lost a wage-earner and gained a dependent. Fear spreads like a virus—a mental ebola—and, as is true for actual viruses of the flesh-eating variety, you will seldom find a psychotherapeutic or medical cure.

So, before assuming that your rattled nerves require rest, think carefully about whether you are really as disabled as you feel, and whether you really, really need this job or not. If you need the job and, despite your verbal beating, you can do most of what the job requires, return to the scene of battle. There are lots of advantages to returning to work and good reasons to hope you will triumph by doing so, even though your feelings tell you otherwise.

If you truly feel like you can’t return to the scene of the crime without severe anxiety, a doctor can help. Medication can soothe the shakes and shivers of your first day back, although, as always, there are side effects, and it’s not a permanent fix. Then again, repetition of a scary experience usually makes the anxiety fade eventually, so the need for medication should not last long.

Anxiety turns people into self-doubting pessimistic Chicken Littles, so facing the situation will probably show you that you can still do the job, not humiliate yourself, and that tomorrow will probably be a little better.

The drill sergeant can’t defeat you, but fear and poverty can, so take a serious look at your bottom line, and whether your need to make a living is more powerful than trauma or fear.

STATEMENT:
“I hate feeling my life has been shattered, but it’s not true. I know I’m still the same person with the same goals and, if I decide a job needs to be done, I’ll do it unless my doctor says that going to work will make me or others sick or interfere with my recovery. I will never, ever let fear make my decisions for me.”

I’ve had a successful gay marriage for 30 years (now legal, thank you) and my partner is the only guy I ever want to be with, but he says I’ve been difficult to be around for the last year and wonders why I don’t want to make love anymore, and I guess he’s right. I’ve always been physical and proud to be the more sexual one in the past, but the truth is, I’m not that turned on anymore, maybe by anyone, and I can’t stand starting and not being able to finish. The whole thing makes me unhappy and troubled when he wants to be with me. My goal is to get my mojo back.

When magazines and TV ads tell you that you can always get your mojo back, you know it’s a lie (or maybe not, if you actually spent money on the magazine).

I’m going to assume you’ve had a physical exam to make sure your loss of sex drive isn’t due to some easily correctible problem. I’ll also assume that, after having completed 29 happy, horny years, no major issue other than your waning performance has affected your relationship.

So the most likely culprit for your loss of drive is the unexplained, all-too-usual loss of drive caused by that great destroyer, age.

If you buy the macho stuff, sexual non-performance is a sad failure. In truth, we’re wired to think that way, neurologically, because sex is pleasure and pleasure, success.

The last thing sex is, however, is an achievement; at this moment, my dog is getting intimate with my couch. The real achievement is finding love and stability despite intense, needy horniness.

The trouble is, if you believe your sexual dysfunction is a personal failure, the feeling of failure spreads. You withdraw from your partner, who feels hurt and wonders what he did wrong and why you’re doing this to him, which makes you withdraw further.

Ask yourself what your real goal is here: to avoid the humiliation/sadness/whatever of sexual non-performance; or, to protect the value of a 30 year relationship from being influenced by a little bodily dysfunction (OK, forget little). Decide what’s most important, don’t let shame make your decision for you, and be prepared to kiss your mojo goodbye.

STATEMENT:
“All my life, I enjoyed sex and maybe was too proud of a prolific track record that was more good luck than great achievement. Now it’s painful to endure non-performance. I will not let fear, frustration or shame interfere with my love for my partner or stop us from figuring out the best way to share physical intimacy.”