Seeing Each Other

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 22, 2010

We often have to remind readers to follow their minds, as well as their hearts or groins, when choosing a steady partner; consider whether your beloved has some stability, not whether s/he’s good looking in the face. Still, even when all the basic qualities check out, remember that some seemingly-easy-to-get-along-with people have impossible ways of dealing with shared responsibility. Unfortunately, they don’t necessarily reveal themselves until you’ve been through a few messy crises together, which is why getting-to-know-you requires patience, toughness, and good detective instincts. Plus you need a willingness to bow out if your dreams collide with a deal-breaking discovery, no matter how last minute it is, or how pretty the face of the partner.
–Dr. Lastname

PS: Yes, we’re taking Thursday off for Thanksgiving, and as always, we hope your holiday has turkey for you and material for us.

I’ve met a divorced woman who seems crazy about me, and I think she’s a little impulsive but basically a terrific person and I could easily fall for her. She checks out in almost every way; she’s nice, solid, and good with her 2 kids and makes a reasonable income running a small business. She tried hard to make her marriage work and seems to stick by her friends. The only thing that worries me is the way she recently bought a new car after telling me we would buy it together. I mean, we dropped by dealerships and discussed styles and motors; and then, suddenly, she bought one we hadn’t looked at, made all the arrangements, and ta-da, there it was. She was very apologetic and told me she’d trade it in if I didn’t like it, but the truth is, it was fine and it’s not my car and I don’t feel hurt. What shook me up is that, here we are talking every day about getting married and making decisions together, and buying a car is a pain in the ass that requires time and attention to lots of details, and she kept it a secret. My goal is to get her to understand that I’m not hurt, but I’d like to understand what happened.

At this point in a relationship, what you’d like is a re-assuring explanation that would smooth away your doubts and allow your intimacy to move on.

What you need, however, is to figure out the worst-case meaning of her behavior and decide what it means for your future together (if you have one).

So far, you’ve done a great job of not getting swept away by her warmth or your loneliness, since you’re not just gushing about the way she makes you feel. You’re approaching this relationship like a good car search, which is a good beginning.

You’ve looked at the way she feels, as well as mileage, efficiency, and repair record. She checks out well with responsibility, money, kids and relationships. Now you’re wondering what possible obstacles remain, and if certain options aren’t available.

The worst case for the behavior you’re describing is that she’s an impulsive decision-maker who can’t stop herself and blames other people’s objections on those other people. She may be the kind of person who encourages everyone to give her advice and then does what she wants, says she’s sorry, and if you’re critical, treats you as if you’re overly sensitive or picky.

If she’s like that, and makes decisions that others regard as bad, costly, or unfair, she’d tend to get into fights with her colleagues and close friends, then forget about it or see the problem as them being fussy, not her running red lights.

Find out whether she’s got impulse issues and, if so, whether she knows it and takes responsibility for trying to manage the problem. Look closely for evidence in her past: the details of conflicts she’s had with her staff or her ex that make up her personal accident history.

Look for what she does about visitation issues with her kids, and if you can, find out what her husband’s complaints are about their marriage. If her problem is any broader or more dire than occasional obliviousness, the evidence will be there.

If you find a problem and wonder whether she can change, ask her about it and watch what happens. Put the issue in a positive context, and when you evaluate her response, pay more attention to her actions than her words or the feelings they arouse.

Watch for whether she recognizes and owns the problem; then ignore the “sorries” and see what happens with her next decision. If you can’t make the deal you want, be prepared to leave the lot empty-handed.

STATEMENT:
“I’ve got a wonderful relationship and want it to go forward, but my prospective partner may make impulsive decisions without regard to my input or the impact on me. I don’t mind if these decisions are no more than irritating and are easily undone; but I can’t let someone commit me in major ways without my consent, at least not unless she recognizes her mistake and gives me good reason to think she can keep herself from doing it again—most of the time.

My fiancée and I are having a tough time making things work with her five-year-old daughter. When we’re alone, my step-daughter-to-be and I get along great; I pick her up after school, we play together, she lets me do her therapy with her (she has trouble recognizing emotions, in herself or others)…she treats me like a dad. The problem is that 10% of the time, especially when we’re in a bigger group of people, like around my fiancée’s family, my step-daughter acts downright hostile towards me. She tells my fiancée that she doesn’t like me and she wants me to leave, even though I’ve done nothing to provoke her. My fiancée reprimands her for being mean and tries to work through it, but after a couple of years of this, my inclination is to ignore the hostility and let it go. If I do that, though, my fiancée gets angry that I’m “letting her win” and rewarding her bad behavior. My goal then is to figure out why my stepdaughter acts that way, and how I should react to it to make it better.

On the one hand, you think it’s important to stop your almost-stepdaughter’s weird public statements of rejection, mostly because your fiancée thinks her behavior would improve if you would take a tougher stand.

On the other hand, you have good reason to believe your relationship with your stepdaughter is going pretty well, given her tendency to be weird in general, and that, if the behavior hasn’t changed over the past 2 years, confronting her now won’t make it better.

Two parents, two opinions. Welcome to marriage. The only problem is, you don’t seem to believe in your own view, even though you have reality on your side.

As much as you’d like to smooth away the difference between you and your fiancée’s opinion so you could make the conflict go away and everyone could be happy, it’s not gonna happen.

The same goes for her wish that a good, tough approach could stop her daughter from being embarrassingly mean to you. She’s a child, not a poodle. Besides, if she herself could stop that behavior, she probably would, but it appears her emotions are as foreign to her as they are to you.

Ask yourself whether you can put up with your fiancée’s pushing you to parent in her style, not yours, while also pushing her daughter to behave in a way that she may not yet be able to. Beware of caving in to her wishes because you fear she won’t accept you otherwise.

There aren’t any ballads about acceptance in relationships, but it’s just as important as love. If you live with someone and love one another, but she doesn’t accept you, you’ll find the relationship crushing.

Stand up for your beliefs, present them optimistically, and see if your fiancée can live and let live. If not, you might not be the right husband/dad for this family.

STATEMENT:
“My fiancée and I both love her child, and we both want her negative behavior to improve. Her daughter and I are off to a good start, she can’t be expected to change too quickly, and if we push too hard, we’ll make it worse. My fiancée believes I should adopt a tougher approach, but I’ve listened to her and continue to believe I’m on the right track. In any case, it’s better for our relationship if she drops the comments and gives me room to parent in my own way.