Forever Hold Your Peace

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 18, 2010

Relationships are supposed to include lots of sharing—trust, time, bank accounts—but when relationships hit a wall, too much sharing makes them worse. You might think that speaking the truth will make things right, but it usually makes things very, very wrong. Instead, accept the hurt and create a boundary between your hurt feelings and what you know will work out best. You’ll find yourself with better choices, less need for others to tell you that you’re OK, and an appreciation for not having to share the remote.
–Dr. Lastname

When my ex-husband and I shared a life together, we also shared a drinking problem. After a decade of marriage and 3 kids, we divorced, and I got sober. Now, another decade later, the kids are grown and they have a hard time with their dad, who still occasionally binge drinks, binge opinionates, and, as usual, sees all criticism as ingratitude and rebellion. In addition, his current partner is a nasty drunk. Now, our kids are good doobies who try to give their dad equal time, but I think they are sometimes too easily cowed by his guilt trips and seem resentful and depressed after they stay with him. I don’t believe in saying anything negative, particularly since he’s their father and a fellow drunk. My goal is to help them, if I can.

Short of being more careful with birth control when you chose to breed with a real winner, you can’t protect kids from the pain of bad parenting.

You’d like to, and, in this case, you are partly responsible. Unfortunately, it is what it is, there was love despite the lack of a glove and the results cannot be undone. Plus, any attempt to protect them from pain is likely to make it worse.

You know that confronting your ex- about his behavior will get you an earful, which will probably get shared with the kids, making them ever more determined not to let you know when they’re upset because you’ll tattle to dad.

On the other hand, you’ve learned the hard way that your ex’s nasty episodes are, like stormy weather, uncontrollable and no one’s responsibility. When you were married, you probably tried to calm him down, defend yourself, or get him to see what he was doing and, when you failed, you probably took it personally. And drank some more.

Gradually, however, you realized that his being a jerk had nothing to do with you, and that no one could get him to see what he was doing or help him change. Sad, but it freed you from guilt and refocused your sense of responsibility on getting on with life, avoiding conflict, and getting a divorce (and sober).

Now you can pass that wisdom on to the kids. Yes, it involves expressing your negative judgments, but you’re not calling him an asshole; you’re describing him as an Asshole, which is different.

You’re using the term in the professional, technical sense, meaning someone who acts badly and always thinks it’s someone else’s fault because that’s the way his or her brain works, regardless of who that someone is (offspring, employers, other drivers, etc.). You’re not expressing blame or expecting change, because he can’t help it, and nobody can help him.

You would be quite happy to be wrong, and you’re urging the kids to judge for themselves from their own experience. Your point isn’t to offer them pity or ask for their support, but to suggest that, if you’re right and he is truly a jerk, they need to manage their behavior carefully and remind themselves repeatedly that it’s not their fault.

The normal response to an asshole parent is to argue and/or feel bad and try to make the relationship better. The experienced response is to keep your emotions to yourself, believe in your own point of view, and back away quietly.

Hopefully, your kids can learn from your example; both in accepting their father’s true identity, and investing more heavily in birth control.

STATEMENT:
“It hurts to see the kids suffering from their dad’s being a reactive alcoholic with a nasty drinking partner; but it’s a part of life they need to learn to deal with. I can’t change the experience, but I can help them judge their responsibility for themselves and keep guilt and anger from controlling their actions. That’s what I learned from their father, and now I’ll coach them, if they wish.”

I know I was a hard woman to live with 10 years ago when my artistic career stalled; and I wasn’t entirely surprised when my husband told me my irritability had almost pushed him to get a divorce. I was disappointed, though, that he hadn’t tried harder to confront me before he considered leaving, and, ever since then, I’ve noticed he’s kind of sitting on the fence, hanging back from doing things or going places with me, but being perfectly reasonable about sharing household tasks (our kids have left for college) or doing things together with the kids when they’re around. When I’ve asked him why he doesn’t want to vacation with me, he tells me he’s afraid I’ll blow up on him. Really, I’ve had my temper under pretty good control for a long time, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. My goal has been to keep my marriage, but I don’t know what more I can do.

Obviously, it’s a good thing you’ve got your anger under control. You did the work, and you have a right to feel proud now that you’ve done what you can.

What’s bad, however, is that controlling your temper hasn’t regained your husband’s trust, which means there’s nothing else you can do and you have a partner you can’t count on. If your actions can’t change his mind, you’re at the end of the line.

Don’t ask yourself what you can do to regain his love, because that’s just another way of denying the above. Instead, ask yourself what you want to do with this sad situation.

It’s natural to feel bitter when all your good work made no difference to him. It would be dangerous, however, to let those feelings control your actions and draw you into confrontation (tada, you’re angry again) or a passive withdrawal that would make your life seem empty and increase your dependence. Feelings are feelings and can’t be changed; but you’d better not act on them or they’ll turn you into a cartoon of nasty victimhood and dependence.

What you really need to do, of course, is to get stronger by building your independence. Whatever you want to do, do for yourself. Find your own friends, hobbies, and vacation spots. Remind yourself that your life is your own, it’s short, and there are things to do and people to meet who will probably have no problem with your anger.

Don’t become independent to make him jealous. Do it to reclaim your life, remind him and you that you’ve got much to offer, and reduce the effect of his rejection on your self-esteem.

Being independent reminds him of what he stands to lose and at the same time makes it easier for you to leave, if it’s necessary. Then anger might give way to sadness, but you’ll both be better off in the long run.

STATEMENT:
“I’m sorry my anger destroyed my husband’s commitment to our marriage, but I’m proud that I regained control of my temper, stayed strong, and didn’t let my hurt feelings stop me from being a good mother and doing a good day’s work. I’ve come to think that the problem in our marriage isn’t just my anger, but also my husband’s lack of acceptance, and that I won’t trust him again unless he shows a stronger commitment. I don’t need a partner who gets iffy after a bad fight. In any case, I know what I have to do.”