Definitely Maybe

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 8, 2010

Sometimes asking questions over and over again is a good way to avoid the fact that you already know the answers, you just don’t like them. The answers are probably bad news that require you to live with pain, but by refusing to accept them, you don’t postpone that pain, just force yourself to keep living with the same problems with the added extra of uncertainty and compound pain interest. It’s better to take the answer you don’t want and face the truth bravely, even if the truth is that you’re fucked.
–Dr. Lastname

I take medication for my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and every night, when I take my pill, I wash it down with a couple of beers. My OCD takes the form of compulsive worrying about my health, or the possible bad effects of things I’ve done, and it’s partially prevented me from practicing law. I know you’re not supposed to drink when you take meds like this, but the beer helps me sleep, and my OCD hasn’t gotten worse with the booze. Still, I know it’s a bad idea, and while my primary care physician and my psychiatrist have said it’s OK, they seem a little doubtful. At the same time, they can’t point me to any definitive articles on the subject. My goal is to get you to give me an answer that will make me comfortable.

If your OCD is worrying compulsively about your health, and you’re searching for a definitive opinion to help you stop worrying about your health…surely you see how you’re putting the symptom before the horse.

You already know that the comfortable feelings you get from experts’ answers don’t last long; they can seldom stand up to new doubts prompted by afterthoughts, things you’ve read, and the general mental itch, I’ve-got-to-check-things-over-again-OCD feeling.

Comfortable is not an option. There are pills that might help, but no neuro-lotion, and certainly no magic words.

Scratching an OCD itch is a snipe hunt that will make you self-obsessed and waste time you need for other things, so don’t ask me, or any new third, fourth, or fifth opinion physician, whether you should have a beer or two.

Instead, ask yourself to weigh the risks and benefits from an adult point of view, using the excellent material you’ve gathered, both from research material, and your own experience.

Start by giving yourself a 3 month period of total sobriety to see if there’s any difference between 2 beers and no beers. Then, figure in the information you’ve gleaned from experts and calculate the odds of doing beer damage.

After all that, decide whether sobriety is worth it, given what you know and how much you love beer. Stand by your decision, and if you feel the urge to scratch anything, grow balls and leave your brain alone.

Your decision won’t make you feel comfortable, but since you can’t feel comfortable, that’s not the point. Make a decision that allows you to move on and spend your time on whatever your priorities are, other than comfort and finding another doctor and another opinion.

STATEMENT:
“I’d like to be able to drink beers without worrying about their effect on my health, but I can’t. It’s not in my nature. However, I’ve done a good job of getting information about alcohol and medication and have made a decision using the same procedures I urge on my clients. I should be particularly proud of my decisions because I make them reasonably well despite the doubts and the urge to obsess, which I refuse to satisfy.”

My boyfriend and I have lived together for a couple years, we get along well, and it won’t be long before he proposes. My problem is that I’m not in love with him the way I was at the beginning, and my feelings aren’t as intense as his, so I wonder what that means about our future together, like, if we should have a future, at least one that lasts forever. It’s not fair to either one of us for me to say yes and then find that I’m getting restless and want to find someone else. I’m not usually scared of commitment, but marriage is the biggest commitment, and I don’t want to blow this. My goal is to be sure if he’s Mr. Right.

The feeling of being in love isn’t a good measure of whether a relationship will last or be good for you. That’s why love is blind (and deaf, and dumb).

Whether love will last or not depends on whether you want qualities compatible with a lasting relationship, and whether you can make an objective assessment of their presence or absence. It’s not romantic, but neither is marriage 98% of the time.

Some people think they want a partner but what they really want is to feel very, very close. For them, love is a drug, and when they don’t feel close, they feel trapped, get restless, and walk away.

Sometimes the loss of that loving feeling makes them feel betrayed, and they get angry at former lovers for disappointing them. They go through nasty withdrawal, also known as a horrible break-up.

So before you ask yourself if he’s “the one,” ask yourself whether you’re like the someone above: always getting restless and/or angry when love stops making you feel high. If so, don’t force yourself into commitment, because there might never be “one” for you. Not if you want emotional highs over steady commitment.

If you want, you can try to strengthen values other than your need for closeness, but that takes time and lots of practice, and learning how is another story.

Your second job, if your feet don’t routinely flee when you realize your friends and lovers have faults, is to write out a job description for your potential partner that doesn’t over-value love.

As we’ve said before, think of the kind of life you want to lead and the qualities a partner must have to help you live it. Almost invariably, you need someone who is reliable, manages money well, accepts you, and shoulders his load when things get tough.

Whether you want someone who likes living in the city or country or by the sea or likes taking care of kids or turtles is a matter of taste, but good qualities, not thrilling emotions, are the bottom line.

The first question though isn’t so much if he’s right for you, but if you’re right for the institution of marriage, period.

STATEMENT:
“I’d like that loving feeling to go on forever, but I also value friendship and the pleasure and security of having a companion during good and bad times, so I won’t let love alone determine my partnership decision. Experience will tell me the qualities of character my partner must have, and the priorities he must share. I recognize that these qualities are not easy to find. If I find someone who meets my criteria and whom I love enough, I won’t let him go.”