Mixed Family Bag

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 4, 2010

Rebuilding anything, from a family post-separation to the entire Gulf coast, is an arduous, often painful process. Strong leadership goes a long way towards aiding the operation, and in the case of divorce, a leadership duo is potentially stronger and has a lot more to offer the kids. Yes, there’s pain, but if you can ignore it as you try to figure out old relationships and make new ones, you can make the repairs without losing the foundation (or wetlands) altogether.
–Dr. Lastname

I don’t hate my stepbrother, but the fact is, he’s kind of a loser. He doesn’t work hard in school, he doesn’t play sports, and all he really seems to do is play video games and hang out with the stoners doing what stoners do. I take 3 AP classes and I’m on the basketball team, and I’m not saying that to brag, but because that means I’m always busy at practice or with homework (I’m trying to get a scholarship). Still, my stepfather is always asking me to do more chores in the house and help out, and never asking his own son, who doesn’t seem to be doing jack shit. I think my stepfather doesn’t like me all that much, and that, when he’s stressed, he takes it out on me, and if I tell him he’s not being fair, he gets more pissed off. My goal is to get my stepfather to see that he needs to chill and take a closer look at what he’s doing.

It’s hard, at any age, not to focus on the unfairness of authority, and it’s worse when you’re a kid, solider, or inmate. Remember, fair is the worst four letter f-word you’ll ever encounter.

The more absolute your stepfather’s power, the more you simmer when you feel his favoritism has screwed you. The trouble is, if he perceives that you’re angry and doesn’t enjoy his authority questioned, your troubles will only get worse.

While you might think your stepfather’s rule is tyrannical, I’m sure, instead of just being a step-stereotype, he believes he’s doing what’s fair. He probably thinks that his son is both more vulnerable and less defiant than you are, so he can get a pass.

That means he also believes that you have less respect for his authority and are less grateful, given what he does to support you in your many activities, and that he’s made your life that much better since arriving on the scene and adding his parenting resources to your mother’s.

He struggles to be fair, and not only don’t you appreciate his efforts, you reward him with criticism, disrespect, and dislike. He sees himself as a benevolent leader, and you’re his unruly underling.

Of course, I’m not saying that he’s right, just that stepfathers are the way they are, and that your goal is to make the most out of life in your new family, not fall on your sword for the sake of freedom.

One technique you can use—which is almost as tough for adults, but there’s never any choice—is to try to ignore whether he thinks you’re a good kid or not, and just try to live up to your own idea of what that means. Again, mammals of all ages want approval, so this will be a challenge.

Still, try not to slack off or get defiant because he seems unappreciative or always wants more. Once you act negatively in response to him, you lose your strongest weapon, which is your belief that you’ve been pretty good.

Another technique is to try to make him feel more effective, regardless of how you yourself feel. Don’t lie, but go out of your way to appreciate what he does for the family. It’s called “being political,” which means focusing on the positive so as to make it easier to do business. It is also known as “talking out of your ass,” although you’re only talking truth.

Also, being positive takes your defiant behavior out of the problem. If you’re very positive and shut up about your complaints, and he still looks like he doesn’t like you, then you really know it’s not your fault and it has nothing to do with you.

And, by the way, you’re screwed, but you’re also off to college, anyway, since that scholarship seems to be in sight. Unlike your helpless stepbrother, you’ll get to flee your stepfather’s fucking unf**r dictatorship.

STATEMENT:
“I hate being treated unfairly and pushed to do more when I’m already over-worried and overworked, but I respect my mother’s attempt to create more security for our family by finding a partner, and I respect my own attempts to make things work when the feelings are basically pretty negative.”

My ex-husband drives me crazy with his worries about whether I’ve said something to upset our kids or over-stimulated them by introducing them to my boyfriend, whom I’ve been dating for a year. And God forbid I should traumatize them by having him sleep over during a visitation weekend. But I usually go along, because I think the kids are sensitive. What got me upset recently, however, was finding out that he’s taking the kids on a vacation along with his girlfriend. I think that will be just as hard on the kids, and my goal is to make sure he doesn’t expose them to inappropriate sexual intimacy.

It’s not good to try to make kids too happy, particularly during hard times. That’s not because you should worry about spoiling them, but because it’s often impossible to spare them pain, life being what it is, and you’re bound to fail. Then it’s one big unhappy family.

In this case, you can’t spare them the pain of adjusting to divorce or the fact that each parent now has a new partner, so don’t bury yourself in guilt, treat dating as a sin, and give the kids a power over you and your ex that will eventually make them guilty; one big unhappy family, two unhappy homes.

The good news is that, now that you’re divorced from your ex, you don’t have to share the same wrong values and make the same mistake together.

Before accepting the notion that kids should never have the possibility of seeing a parent in bed with anyone outside the holy bonds etc., ask yourself what makes it right or wrong to introduce a partner to your kids (eventually), and when is it right to tell your ex what to do about this issue (never).

On the first point, factor in your confidence in the partner’s capacity to make a long-term commitment, contribute to the family’s resources, and respond to intense emotions without over-reacting. Once you find a serious prospect, the best way to find out whether they have what it takes and can stand up to the shock of entering a pre-formed family is to welcome them in and do it as positively as possible.

Of course, you should spare the kids unnecessary pain, but the possibility of gaining a step-father for the family justifies some risk-taking, and there’s no point in feeling guilty if you’ve made the decision thoughtfully and for good reasons.

As to the question of telling your ex what to do, well, don’t. You can share your criteria, sure, but you’re not going to change your ex, and conflict usually causes more harm than good. If you were that good at negotiation things as a couple, you probably wouldn’t be divorced at this point.

If he exposes the kids to danger or unnecessary hurt, you may gather information that will invite court supervision. If you push him before there’s any obvious danger, however, you’ll look like a jealous ex who can’t let go.

Instead of worrying about and blaming each other for traumatizing the kids, drop the guilt, and get used to be one big family, period, with possible happiness on the horizon.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to remind the kids that their parents are divorced and there’s a new partner in my bed; but the best way to help them adjust is to be positive and assertive about welcoming my (well-vetted) friend into our family. They may have negative feelings, just as I have my fears. What I need to share, however, is my belief that the new partnership will improve our lives.”