Mission: Control

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 21, 2010

When life spins out of control, so does morale. When it feels like you’re living in a flaming, crowded theater, it’s more normal to issue dire warnings, cast blame, and look for desperate solutions. If, however, after reviewing your options realistically, you can assure yourself that you’ve done whatever it is you could do, you can retain your pride and helps others retain theirs. That won’t give you control, but it will decrease the panic and put the fires out.
–Dr. Lastname

My 25-year-old daughter barely talks to me because I’m the one who reminds her that she’s bipolar. She gets mad at me whenever I bring it up, but I’ve got to say something, because someone needs to tell her to take her medication and stay away from her drinking buddies. She’s such a good kid, and it’s awful to watch her lose control and then have everyone take advantage of her. The trouble is, I know how bad the prognosis is for her illness, and after four hospital admissions and no job held for more than a month, I fear for her. My goal is to help her and have a better relationship with her.

If you want to express negative emotions about your kid’s mental illness, tell your shrink, hairdresser, crossing-guard, whomever. Anyone but the kid herself.

Mental illness is scary and depressing, but for the parent of a mentally ill child, make like your home is on the range: never should be heard a discouraging word. Expressing negative emotions almost always makes things worse.

When you talk to your daughter, prepare a message that is positive and hopeful. If it’s a good message, you’ll wind up believing it yourself, because it will be true.

Every now and then, even when drugging and acting crazy, your daughter will make a good decision about caring for herself. It probably won’t make her feel good or stave off the next disaster, so it will go unnoticed while everyone focuses on what she did wrong to end up in a mess. Be the one to shift the focus to the diamond and away from the surrounding sewer.

If the decision didn’t lead to anything good, remind her that she’s up against a bad, unfair illness that can steal happiness and success whenever it wants. That’s life, but it’s not her. She’s the person who did something good, and you’re proud of her.

Don’t worry about letting her off the hook; bipolar illness is the hook, it’s unforgiving, and it won’t let her be spoiled. Whenever she does something constructive about it or endures another setback and picks herself up, lead another cheer. When things go bad and you want to panic, take a deep breath and head out for a haircut.

STATEMENT:
“You’ve endured several tough bouts of depression and your illness will always make it very hard to stop drinking; but you’re still here and you’re trying, and that’s what counts. I don’t know why you’ve had to endure so much bad luck so early in life, but I’m impressed with who you are and all the good things you will offer the world once you learn how to protect yourself from the symptoms.”

I’ve been a reasonably good husband and father, but my wife is much younger than I, and that’s always been the cause of some friction, which has gotten worse now that our marriage is approaching the 10 year mark. For the past couple of years I’ve had the feeling that she finds me and our sex life boring, and recently she told me in no uncertain terms me she feels trapped, wants more excitement in her life and our sex life, and that, unless I change, she wants to be free. I’d like to keep her happy, but given the amount of energy and work she’s asking for, I don’t think I can. My goal is to get her to see that we’ve built a good life together and persuade her to stay.

You want your wife to stay because you love her, but forget about love for a minute and channel your inner Tina Turner; if love has nothing to do with it, or what she said about your faults, then you need to ask yourself whether she can ever be a good partner.

Long ago, before you fell in love, you assumed that any girl who is good partnership material sticks by her partner through thick and thin, because that’s the way she is if she has good character. A good woman may dissolve the partnership because her partner is a jerk, but not because he gets wrinkles, keeps asking you to repeat words so he can hear them, and pees in the middle of the night.

You might make allowances for a girl who married too young or developed a strong calling that pulled her away from marriage. Most of the time, however, if she reacts negatively to her partner’s aging, you suspect that all her friendships will be shallow, unstable, and overly dependent on good times and that no one will ever really be able to depend on her.

You don’t believe you’ve acted like a jerk, and I’m guessing neither does she. She’s not complaining that you’re an overbearing guy who’s squeezing the life out of her personality, or that you’re neglectful, or bad for the kids. She’s just lacking the good character qualities you assumed would be there.

Take a step back then, re-evaluate her as a partner, and don’t accept her back until you’re sure she can offer you a partnership that’s worth having. Don’t let your love and need for love betray what you know about life and good partnerships.

Things will work out well for her and you only if she can accept you the way you are; otherwise, the big wheel keeps on turning, and she better move on.

STATEMENT:
“I know you find me hard to live with. I’d like to believe that I’ve been distracted and neglectful so I could change my behavior and make our marriage work. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, except be myself as a pretty good husband and father. So you need to accept me the way I am, or not. Don’t expect me to change, and don’t expect me to trust you as a wife or friend until you stop discussing my inability to make you feel excited and show me that I’m the guy you want to be with.”