Help Freezes Over

Posted by fxckfeelings on October 7, 2010

The feeling of wanting to help someone you love is so strong, it often comes right around from helping to harming you both. Your drive to make that person’s life better can be so intense as to prevent you from seeing that you’re seeking to do the impossible and are actually headed for a head-on collision with the person you want to save. No matter how much you’d like to help, look for the limits on what’s possible and don’t let your emotions become the message or entrance to a vicious cycle.
–Dr. Lastname

I never know what to tell my sister who’s always asking my advice about some conflict she’s gotten herself into. She’s not really asking for advice, really, just giving me a long song-and-dance about how badly she was provoked before retaliating and saying something dumb and nasty. It’s always a situation which winds up with her looking and acting like a jerk, often with her own kids. She knows she’s made a mess of things, doesn’t hold a grudge, and can admit that her behavior stinks; but, under the pressure of the moment, she always make the same mistake again and then comes running to me for sympathy and advice. My goal is to help her get a grip before she loses her kids.

Some people are perfectly nice when they aren’t angry, and perfectly horrible when they are, and there’s no connection between the two. It’s like, if instead of turning big and green, becoming the Hulk made Bruce Banner a dickhead.

When the fog lifts, nice girl is sorry for the messes her angry half creates, and tries extra hard to be likeable to make up for it. Then again, however remorseful she is, there’s no change the next time around.

You know our professional terminology for people who act badly and it’s always the other guy’s fault: “asshole.” People assume that all assholes are obnoxious, when in fact, some are quite nice, and some are aware of their problem. You just wouldn’t like them when they’re mad.

I realize, of course, that most people think it’s not nice to call their sister an asshole, either because it’s not right to knock your own family and/or tear down someone you’re supposed to support. Here, however, you’re not trying to insult her, but to describe a clinical condition that even she knows she has.

Remember, we’re using the term asshole here in its professional, clinical sense, and not as an insult; it’s a statement of fact that is supposed to help us deal with assholes compassionately, realistically, and with a minimum of negative feeling.

You’re not even blaming her for being an asshole, because you can assume she can’t help it. What you want her to think about instead is what she can do about it, other than complain, criticize herself, and fish for sympathy.

It’s true, she may not like the fact that you don’t listen to her complaints or have an answer that will give her control or help her to feel better. If, however, she has a nice person inside who wants to hang onto her kids, she will probably appreciate the fact that you understand her helplessness at being unable to control herself.

So, the bad news then is that your sister has a terminal case of assholitis, but on the plus side, she acknowledges her disease, which is the first step. Even if there is no cure, Hulk can have hope.

STATEMENT:
“I don’t think you see how much harm you do to yourself and others when you get angry. In any case, I don’t think you can control it, and that makes you a bad person and a bad mother. I’m not sure you have any choice over it. If you can, try talking to people about how to control your anger, no matter how badly you’re provoked. Otherwise, I think talking about your anger does no good.”

My wife and I are very protective of our son, who is severely retarded and is about to get surgery for a skeletal deformity. He can’t understand what’s about to happen, which will cause him a lot of pain and require a lot of rehabilitation, and I’m worried he’ll feel overwhelmed and betrayed and stop trusting us, even though, after long discussions with his doctor, I know the surgery is necessary. Still, he’s so helpless, I’d hate for him to think I caused him to suffer for no reason. My goal is to reassure him and hold onto his trust.

Don’t be so reactive to the suffering of your son and his inability to understand your words that you wind up making his suffering worse. Your anxiety won’t just punish you, but signal to your son that something isn’t right, causing him to suffer more.

Instead of letting your worry about your inability to communicate cause your body to communicate fear, use that body language to convey what you believe will be most helpful.

Fxckfeeling.com’s favorite non-verbal communicator is animal psychologist/Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan. He teaches us that, when you communicate with animals, how you say things, in terms of tone and body language, is much more important than what you say. He implies, of course, that this applies to most human interactions as well (albeit with less distribution of treats).

Of course you’re worried and frightened about what happens to your son. Parents always have a right to be scared shitless about their kids; but not necessarily to express it. Choosing what to express, regardless of how you feel, is part of a parent’s job description. And it’s seldom a good idea to express fear.

So practice your posture and facial expression in front of a mirror. Shoulders back, head up, good eye contact. If you look calm, confident, and convinced that things are going well and will turn out well, your son will respond in kind. If you look panicked, however, a good nurse will throw you out of the room.

You and your wife made a good, careful decision, so you owe it to yourselves, as well as your son, to convey your belief in that decision. Surgery will cause pain and there’s no guarantee it will turn out well, but that’s the nature of all tough decisions.

What you can convey, without necessarily using words, is that it’s the right decision and that there’s a good way forward after the surgery, regardless of pain. Use calm, assertive energy to be a good leader and a great dad.

STATEMENT:
(via body language): “This is the right thing to do. Your pain isn’t worrying us because it’s an unavoidable part of rehabilitation and any effort you make to move your joints is good and exciting, regardless of how it feels.”