It’s Not Them, It’s You

Posted by fxckfeelings on September 20, 2010

Since breaking up always feels, well, shitty, people often wonder what they’ve done wrong, should have done differently, what’s wrong with them, etc. Odds are, the person dumping you does think there’s something wrong with you that will never change, but usually, the quality they find wrong in you is probably just wrong for them. People don’t change, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to let your faults run out of control. So cheer up, dumpees– you might not be right for that certain someone, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong in general.
–Dr. Lastname

I had to break up with my boyfriend recently, even though we always thought we’d get married and start a family together, because I got matched in another city for the best residency program for my specialty. He felt that moving out of state would lose him the chance to make partner at one of the most prestigious law firms here, where he’s been working for the past 4 years, so he couldn’t leave. He’s a good guy and we were both serious about commitment and our careers and now I feel like, if I couldn’t make it work with him, my soul mate, then there’s no hope and no point in starting over. My goal is to figure out whether it’s worth trying again.

When it comes to falling in love with someone who shares your interests, it’s exciting to find someone who’s just as ambitious and hard-driving as you are. I’m sure you two put the power in “power couple.”

History teaches us, however, that two powerful go-getters don’t always make the best match. Just ask Hillary.

The problem then isn’t so much with losing the love of your life, but with your criteria for what a soul mate/ideal partner needs to be. I don’t mean that part about his needing to be a nice, honest guy with a good money and commitment track record who shares your goals.

That part, you did perfectly. There’s no way your (ex-)soul mate is a handsome, exciting, problem-ridden deadbeat loser (not that it would be a long search).

The problem is that, if you’re looking for someone as driven as you, you’re looking for someone who won’t put family time ahead of ambition. After all, there’s nothing wrong with being ambitious and committed to your work, but if both partners care too much about finding the best job in the best city, their chance of staying together is not great.

So don’t fall in love with the image in the mirror; and, if you do, don’t pursue it…not unless, perhaps, you find someone worthy who works within your same field. This is why doctors often marry doctors; only they can put up with each other’s schedules, ambitions, and bullshit.

You have a right to a broken heart, but don’t let your sadness interfere with a learning experience that could make all the difference next time around. It’s hard to feel you’ve done well when you’re miserable, but you have.

Your new residency program isn’t just a reward for your hard work, but a brand new dating pool. If Hillary can overcome Monica to become Secretary of State, you can find another soul mate.

STATEMENT:
Every breakup feels like a failure, but I came pretty close with this relationship and I learned something that could make all the difference next time I go hunting. It’s sad to lose him and know that I can’t marry someone like him; but I’ve either got to tone down my ambitions, which is not my nature, or else find someone who’s a lot like him, but less ambitious and more interested in hanging with me than with where he works.

After my partner kicked me out for cheating (I used to say that monogamy isn’t natural for gay men, he disagrees), I realized how much I love him, need our family, and want to be around as our child grows up. It’s true, I’ve always been a sneak who craves excitement, likes to make snap decisions, and keeps secrets from everyone. Hey, I’m bipolar, what can you expect? But I love our kid more than anything, and I now truly appreciate what my partner brings to my life. How can I both convince him that I sincerely want to change and will change to be a better husband and father?

When somebody tries to show they’ve changed by insisting they’ve changed over and over again, they’re about as convincing as the dirty guy on the corner who stands there all day insisting the end is nigh.

In other words, talk is cheap, and by cheap, I mean bullshit. I don’t doubt that you want to change just as I don’t doubt that our crazy friend really thinks the rapture will start tomorrow, but I’m sure your pleas don’t pass your own bullshit-meter, even at your most manic.

Sure, you can learn to control yourself better, but that isn’t the same as changing. You’re not going to stop having a bipolar temperament with urges to do bad things to escape the boredom. That’s another way of saying you’ve got a demon and exorcism is not an option.

So if someone with a well known, well-established demon were to say that he’s learned his lesson, nobody should believe him because he sounds like he’s riding a wave of emotion that, sooner or later, will ebb away once the drama stops and the day-to-day once again gets on his nerves. Such is the nature of being possessed.

If you want to persuade yourself and others that you’re going to change, ditch the persuading part and begin by accepting the demon you’ve got and the way you never know whether or when he’ll flare up and try to get the jump on you.

Put aside your shame, talk about him everyday and develop lots of tricks and techniques for protecting yourself and keeping him in check. Then your actions will talk louder than your words, which, you’ll admit, are often devilish.

Don’t expect it to be easy, and don’t assure your partner you’ll always be in control, just that you’ll try. The more realistic your own doubts, the more hope there is for your eventual success.

So don’t go to your partner trying to convince him of something even you wouldn’t believe. Be honest about your intentions and imperfections, and perhaps the end for you two won’t be nigh after all.

STATEMENT:
I want to show him how much I love him and hate myself for what I’ve done; but I know that persuading him by professing my feelings is something I’m too good at doing and that it never works in the long run. So I’ll skip the dramatic statements and let him know that, as much as I love him, my reasons for changing come from my wish to be a better guy and have a better life and that it may take me a while to control my bullshit behavior and that we should both judge more from my actions than what I say and that, if I get it together, I could be a great partner and we could have a good life together.