Compromisery

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 26, 2010

Just as everybody wants to go to heaven without having to die, everyone wants to find true love without having to suffer through dates. Lucky people make it look easy, but good partners are very, very had to find. That’s because you can’t force someone else to change and changing your own personality is almost equally impossible. Know what you’re looking for, what’s important to you, and how much compromise is really possible. If you do, you’ll also know what all that dating is for and become better at protecting yourself from the hell of loving someone who can never be good for you.
–Dr. Lastname

Just after my girlfriend and I started dating, she decided she had to stop hanging out with her closest friends, not because I told her to, but because she decided they partied too much and it wasn’t good for her anymore. I supported that 100%, but it puts a lot of pressure on me to spend a lot of time with her since she literally has no one else to hang out with anymore. Plus, I have to travel a lot for work, which is why I took the job, because I love being on the road. Even though she knows this about me and tells me it’s OK, I can tell that my leaving town really depresses her and so I feel really guilty because I know she’ll be really lonely when I’m gone. I want things to work with her, but I can’t change who I am and don’t want to change what I do. What can I do to feel less guilty? How much compromise is too much?

I’m not sure if this is comforting, but it’s not guilt telling you that you’re making your girlfriend unhappy. I can see why this is confusing, because your girlfriend isn’t outwardly saying she’s unhappy, either.

Still, guilt isn’t your problem because you haven’t made vows, you don’t have bad intentions, and you don’t owe her something for giving up friends and a lifestyle that weren’t good for her in the first place.

You feel guilty just because you’ve chosen a lifestyle that may make her unhappy, but, given that you’re the ramblin’ kind, it’s also your responsibility to find out if you’re the right boyfriend for her.

You can’t help the fact that you’ve got traveling shoes that don’t come off and a priority that’s even more important than pleasing her, which is to find out whether she can tolerate your traveling ways. Otherwise, pleasing her becomes a dangerous and destructive prison.

It’s good that you know your work priorities require you to travel. That’s nothing to feel guilty about, but it means that, if you want a partner, she’d better be independent, or the two of you are going to be very unhappy. Yes, it’s OK to fall in love and be on the road at the same time, but if she isn’t an independent type, it won’t work.

So, while it’s true that your actions may make her unhappy, that isn’t your fault. What you need to know is whether she and you can bear that pain without it destroying your relationship. If you flinch and say you’re sorry, you’re implying that you could make things better, but you can’t, so don’t. Naturally, you don’t want to make her suffer, but you need to know whether she can hack it, because this is the way it has to be.

Evaluate her independence by looking at her track record, not just her wishes. Just because she loves you enough to straighten out her life and tell you she’s willing to put up with your absences doesn’t mean she has the strength to do so.

So stifle your guilt and check out her strength. . You are who you are, and she’s not going to change, so either things work with the personalities you’ve got, or the wheels have to hit the road.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement that prevents guilt and fear from distracting you from what matters. “We have a wonderful relationship and I can see how much you’re committed to making it work, but you know that travelling is an unavoidable part of my life, so you need to be very independent and able to tolerate long absences if we’re to have a chance at a partnership that could work. That’s the question I need to ask both of us: whether you would be able to tolerate my traveling lifestyle without feeling lonely, lost and deserted.”

I know it’s sappy, but I do believe that there’s someone for everyone, and that the right guy is out there and I just haven’t met him yet. In the meantime, I’ve put up with a lot of Mr. Wrongs, from guys who don’t open the door for me or pay for dinner on the first date to guys who just live like slobs and only call back on “their schedule.” Some of my friends think I’m too quick to dismiss men for stupid reasons, but if I know what I want, why settle? In the meantime, I’m sick of putting up with losers, and I do have a nagging worry that the one guy for me is just never going to cross my path because I’ll be on a date with a jerk instead. How do I wade through the losers to find the one?

You’ve got a good attitude towards dating because you’re realistic about how draining and sad the process can be if you don’t put as much effort into self-protection as you do into flowers and horseshit.

There’s no such thing as dismissing guys too quickly when you’re dating; the faster the better, but only if it’s for the right reasons. Dating is a two-priority process, unfortunately, requiring both seeking and self-defense, which is why there are no guarantees and why you need to be tough and careful as well as attractive.

My only concern about your dating philosophy is your unflagging belief in your chosen one. If you’re very good at dating, there are still no guarantees that you’ll find someone, let alone the prefect someone of your dreams.

On the other hand, your singleness is not your fault, and pretty people won’t necessarily do any better. Pretty people aren’t guaranteed a soul mate, either. Just free drinks.

So, instead of judging your pickiness by your friends’ opinions, ask yourself what you’re looking for. Don’t waste time on a nice smile, or a sexy feeling, or a six pack (abs or beer). Start with the same essentials you’d put on the job description for anyone you would want to do business and/or spend time with: reliability, generosity, and the presence of abilities you find impressive and helpful for whatever it is you want to do. If a man has those qualities but doesn’t clean up after himself, it might be worth ignoring the slobbery.

Most prospects don’t meet those criteria, so don’t get sentimental about hurting their feelings or looking extra hard for that diamond in the rough. You said it well: the big reason for missing Mr. Right is wasting time (and heartache) with Mr. Wrong. Just don’t confuse Mr. Wrong with Mr. Lacks-Total-Perfection.

STATEMENT:
Give yourself a sensible mission statement. “I’d like to date someone who’s attractive and fun, but my bigger priority is to find someone solid who’s attractive enough and won’t waste my time, and that’s hard to do. I will need to be disciplined, smart, and tough to find someone good; perfection is an illusion. If I find someone good, I can enjoy romance and pretend he’s perfect; but until then, I’ve got a job to do.”