Temper Trap

Posted by fxckfeelings on August 2, 2010

If life is inherently infuriating, then aiming for a permanent state of inner peace is just asking for more frustration and rage, especially if you are already one of the temper-impaired. A good person isn’t the angel with the beatific smile of love, but the pissed off banshee who grins and bears it, acts decently, and knows how to negotiate. Inner peace our ass.
–Dr. Lastname

I have a hot temper, Latin temper, whatever. I am tired of losing my shit and want more control. I have two children, a loving husband, a usually good job, a fine house and truthfully a full and rich life. So why do things like not getting out the door on time and literally spilled milk make me lose it? I should disclose that I grew up with insanity in my household, my father is a full blown paranoid schizophrenic, my mom a bit of a drinker, however that said I truly do try to parent better than I was parented. I wonder many times am I crazy and would like to have a better handle on my temper.

The kind of anger that ruins everything isn’t your problem. If it was, you wouldn’t still have the loving husband, good job, and lack of restraining orders.

It goes without saying then that you have pretty good control over your anger, but let’s say it, because it needs to be said. Your temper hurts and humiliates you and stirs your remorse, but it’s not ruining your life because you’re good at managing it.

It would be nice if you could get rid of your temper and become sweet, calm, and serene, but for most of us, our temper is part of the internal wiring. Sure, your parents/family history might contribute, and exploring “the real cause of your anger” might help; but often it doesn’t. Usually, the temper you’ve got is the temper you’ve got.

Lobotomy is the one treatment you can count on. (I’ve been wanting to re-tool as a surgeon for some time because procedures pay much better than talking treatments, with the death panels and whatnot, you know the drill.)

If, however, you’re too much of a sissy to accept the necessary frontal lobe alterations, your temper is something you’re stuck with, and you’d better get used to it, because nothing makes a bad temper worse than hating the one you’ve got.

Remember, there’s a stigma against anger. Oscar the Grouch is one of the uglier Muppets and the Hulk is hardly handsome.

On the other hand, if bad tempers were really terrible, then evolution wouldn’t have produced so many of them. They’re probably good for being a soldier or a litigator. God/Darwin/The Flying Spaghetti Monster/etc. always has his/her reasons for the strong inheritance of painful traits.

Now, if you’ve stopped fuming about being an ill-tempered mama, draw a line for yourself on what prevents someone with an evil temper from being a bad person. The first thing on the list of forbidden line-crossers is the obvious: no hitting. Following that is no causing friends and family a lot of pain, no useless bridge-burning or house-burning, and so on.

Your goal then isn’t to get a new temper at Target (they’re fresh out), but to keep that bad temper from turning nasty, no matter how much you feel that it would be a great relief.

Yes, if you don’t let it out, your anger will build up inside, but that’s the price you pay. Keep it there until you can yell in the bathroom, or hit a punching-bag, or practice the drums for hours at a time.

If you want help learning how to further manage your anger, read up on, you guessed it, anger management. It can help to talk to other, more accomplished anger-managers—some are quite nice, if you don’t step on their toes—and you can certainly use all the tools of self-acceptance and self-control that 12-step programs offer. It’s more expensive, but you can also check out the ideas and exercises offered by a cognitive behavioral therapist.

If your temper is really impossible and other methods don’t work, consider seeing a psychiatrist for a medication trial. For some reason, psychiatric medications can help, though they’re not a cure. They pose very little risk of serious side effects when you’re just trying them out for a month or two.

In your journey to accepting your rage, do yourself a favor and avoid books about healing your inner anger. They’re not just useless, but also incredibly annoying, and if you hurl such a book through a window, I’m not paying for the damages. The offer for the lobotomy, however, is still on the table.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to stop you from getting mad about getting mad. “I don’t like having a bad temper, but I must be pretty good at controlling it because my family hasn’t (yet) run away, locked me up, or restraining-ordered me out. So I’ll respect myself for doing what I’ve always tried to do: shut up, pull my punches, and keep my temper under control.

I seem to instinctively know which battles to pick with my kids, however I clearly have “battle planning deficit disorder” when it comes to my wife. Neither of us likes confrontation of ANY sort, so we “appear” to ignore things that bug each other…but not really. Instead, we try to ignore the giant gorilla in the room and this negative undercurrent hangs around until some outside force like kid drama, aging parent issue, health..SOMETHING happens to distract us from whatever it was we were both “ignoring.” If, on the rare occasion I do confront her on some issue, she gets so DEFENSIVE, the conversation comes to an immediate halt. If she confronts me on something, we tend to go round and round. We’ve been married 20 years, so obviously this has become a well choreographed routine, but one that I’m still not comfortable with. How do you know what’s “confrontable material”, and what’s just “white noise” in a relationship that should be ignored?

I’m assuming from the fact that you’re doing well with the kids and not talking about divorce that your marriage is worth it. I often hear from patients who wish they could argue less with their spouse, so someone wanting to figure out how to argue more, or at least argue better, is an interesting change of pace.

First, figure out your criteria for deciding which battles are worth—I won’t say fighting, because the two of you aren’t compatible fighters—so let’s say, addressing.

Let not irritation be your guide, because you don’t want anger to determine your choice. Choose the issues that matter in the long run because they involve your values, safety, health, financial security, the kids’ development, or anything to do with lawyers.

With any battle, you’ve got to ask yourself what you hope to accomplish and whether there’s any way to win. No matter how much you want it, or how much it might lead to an increase in the total amount of fairness in the universe, you’re not going to change your wife, so there’s no point in trying. So ask yourself, given that fact, whether there’s any way you can make things better.

If, as is often the case, her agreement or understanding is unlikely, don’t talk to her before you decide whether there’s something you feels needs doing, and are prepared to do on your own, whether she agrees or not.

Knowing that you’re thinking for yourself will help you feel less angry and wimpy, even if, as most often happens, you decide there’s no reason to take a stand.

Talk to her if you think you’ll have to act independently because of disagreement. Don’t feel obliged to be eloquent or good at explaining your actions, because the important thing is not what she thinks, or whether she agrees, but that she sees that you believe in what you’re doing and that you’re not doing it out of anger or disrespect.

In declaring your intentions, show respect and keep your announcement short. Tell her what you plan to do and why you think it’s better, and, of course, invite her to join you. When you’ve said your piece, close the discussion so as to prevent filibuster.

Ultimately, it’s not about arguing at all, just about sharing your choices vis a vis the negative undercurrent situations in your marriage. You can acknowledge the metaphorical gorilla in the room as you would the real thing: calmly, confidently, and with a quick escape route.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement for picking issues and avoiding battles. “It’s too bad that my wife and I are not good at arguing our way through disagreements, but that hasn’t stopped us from achieving 20 years of pretty good marriage. It also won’t stop me from taking a stand if and when I think it’s necessary, as long as I can accept the fact that, as much as I love and respect her, there are times that we aren’t going to understand or agree with one another.”