Second Story

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 14, 2010

While most people have multifaceted personalities (or should), there are an unlucky group whose personalities aren’t so much nuanced as they are binary; fewer shades of grey, more Jeckyll and Hyde. If you’re dealing with someone who’s double sided, or trying to hide a part of yourself from the world, it can feel like a never ending battle to reconcile and/or expose both halves. Occasionally, it’s worth exposing your secret side to end your own torment. Other times, it’s better to let people keep their Mr. Hydes to themselves if it means keeping their drama out of your own life.
–Dr. Lastname

Most people thing my mom is really fun, if a little flaky and emo, but they don’t see how crazy and mean she gets when there’s no one around but my brother and me (my parents are divorced). When she’s in a bad mood, she tells us we’ve been mean to her, and reminds us of things we’ve said that hurt her, and tells us how bad we are until we’ve apologized, and then she forgets it ever happened. There’s one cousin who’s seen what she gets like and I rely on him to remind me that it’s OK, she’s crazy, but the other day he seemed charmed by her and then, when I complained, he told me I had to get over her and not be so angry, and now I feel totally unsupported. My goal is to get someone to understand what’s going on.

Nothing gets people more stirred up than dramatically pitched false accusations and punishments by a powerful, inescapable, totally two-faced authority, like your mama.

The good news is that, while you’ve got the makings of a perfect soap opera, it sounds like you’re not getting swept away by it.

The trouble with soap operas, of course, is that they trap the good guys into endless rounds of angry, hurt reactions to crazy bad guys. In the process, they take up huge amounts of time and energy for tears and talk, talk, talk before, finally, there’s a glimmer of comfort and validation…before the cycle starts all over again.

The process leaves no time for any other (boring, make-a-living) activities or relationships, positive or negative, and the good guys’ angry responses and efforts to expose the villain usually make them more vulnerable to slander in an endless vicious circle.

So enjoy validation if it comes your way, but don’t seek it out too intensely or your life will become ready for daytime. Besides, even if somebody sees what your mother’s really like, her behavior is not going to change. Sadly, you drew her number in the mother lottery and won a nut job.

Not to be indelicate, but, as you might have guessed, your mama sounds a little crazy. On the positive side, that basically means, while her behavior is erratic and sometimes cruel, it’s not personal, just like your cousin says.

She’s not motivated by anything except a blip in her brain, so keep that in mind when you’re tempted to “fight back,” because you can’t win against crazy, no matter who acknowledges how crazy she is.

Your goal then isn’t to out your mother as a witch from hell, but to keep doing whatever you think is positive, good for you, and likely to spring you free, like getting your schoolwork done, keeping busy with out-of-house activities, and keeping these goals in mind when she does blow up and accuse you of untold (and likely fictitious) evils.

There’s more good news in that it sounds like that’s what you’re doing; you’re not describing angry, “cry-for-help” drug-downing or cop-defying behavior that will accelerate the soap opera cycle at the expense of your health and future independence.

You’re moving ahead, regardless of anger and turmoil, and that’s what you need to do. Forget exposing her two faces, because nobody will be happy if the soap hits the fan.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a standard business plan for growing up with a closeted witch. “I’ve got good reason to believe I don’t do bad things unless she gets me mad, and I can’t stop her from getting me mad, even if the world knows it’s her fault, so I’ve got to believe in myself and pursue my regular goals, like schoolwork and building a life. I can’t expect to be happy when she gets going, but if I can keep my mouth shut and fight the temptation to join her in big, dramatic scenes, I’ll be doing a good job and acquiring an excellent training in how to be a therapist.”

I’m a psychotherapist with a small but thriving practice. I’m also recovering from an addiction to pain meds (please note: I cannot prescribe medication, nor can anybody in my practice, so there’s no ethics violation there, I got my pills like any other druggie would). I’ve been completely sober for three years now, but I’m afraid to be open about my problem with almost anyone, including my family, because I can’t see how people would respect or want to get help from someone who was as messed up as I was (and I know most drug counselors are addicts, but I think this is different). The problem is, I feel more stressed than ever. I’m burning out on my practice because I’m always staying late and trying hard to make sure everyone is settled before I let them out of my office. And I feel terrible about not spending enough time with my family, and I never have time for myself. I feel I’m in danger of slipping, but there’s no escape.

Your drug use might be under control, but right now, your life isn’t.

Your life is being managed by your need to do a perfect job and keep your patients safe and happy. Meanwhile, you’re running out of gas, losing credibility with friends and family, and slipping closer to the pit of pain pills.

You’re not at the wheel, your desires are, and we know where that road leads. Caring too much about how people feel and doing a perfect job are what got you into this mess in the first place.

You can’t make people happy, particularly if you’re a shrink. Patients are unhappy; that’s why they’re patients. So far, there’s no cure to life sucking, so, like a good physical therapist, your job is to use your time efficiently to offer coping tools. After that, it’s quitting time.

Sometimes people are helped; but sometimes they’re disappointed. Your job is to do a good professional job and then move on to other responsibilities.

Then there are patients who want to hold someone responsible for their unhappiness, and their therapist is target number one. They know you haven’t done enough, or you’ve done the wrong thing, or you need to do more. If you react too much to their beliefs, you’ll never leave the office.

Of course, you can’t stop being sensitive, because that’s your nature; I might as well ask you to start writing with your other hand or grow a foot overnight. Instead, accept your sensitivity and learn to manage it.

You need to take pride in how you manage your weaknesses and, to do that, you must first acknowledge them, not disown them. Out yourself and lay claim to the management credit you deserve.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a management directive. “I always feel better if people respect me and are happy with my work; but I will not let that need interfere with my building better self-control, limiting workaholism, and doing what I think is right to balance my life. The greater my weaknesses, the more right I have to be proud of what I’ve done with them and intend to do.”