Great Expectations

Posted by fxckfeelings on June 3, 2010

Very often, what we hate about someone we know well has everything to do with our immediate needs and frustrations, and nothing to do with their ability to be good friends or partners. Instead of sweating the little things, work out your own definition of what it means to be good to someone else. Then you’ll be able to protect good relationships from bad feelings, and protect yourself from bad relationships (that make you feel good).
–Dr. Lastname

I believe in being a good friend and a great brother, and because of that, I remember everyone’s birthdays, anniversaries, etc, so it really pisses me off when no one remembers mine. I always seem to give more than I get, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask since I’m able to keep track of those things. I have no choice when it comes to family, but I wonder if I’ve been choosing the wrong friends. I like being a giver, but I don’t like being resentful and letting them know that I’m upset doesn’t seem to do any good. My goal is to find better friends.

Don’t confuse being a giving person with being a good person. Being good is supposed to be selfless, but giving is a self-serving pleasure, and that should tell you that it’s easy to overdo and/or do for the wrong reasons.

You might think I’m wrong, and insist you’re giving because you enjoy it and want to make the world a better place. If so, you best put on a bib, because you’re talking a lot of shit.

From what you’re saying, there’s a part of you that needs to get back what you’re giving, and seethes if you don’t get it back, soon. Venting your anger drives away potential friends, which makes you feel needier, which makes your giving more compulsive.

It turns into a neat vicious circle; you remember their birthdays, they forget yours, you’re so angry that you get into a fight and stop talking, which makes you feel that much more friend-hungry.

That’s a lot of birthdays to remember (and forget when you stop speaking to each other).

Instead of focusing on the feelings you get from the immediate give-and-take (or not-give) of your friendships, step back and think about what makes a friendship good. You want someone who’s reliable and has something good to offer, sooner or later, in deed more than word. You want support, not a timely Hallmark card.

If you’re needy, it’s just as easy to be suckered by friendly words from a slick type who doesn’t usually keep his friends as it is to reject an awkward verbal misfit who has the solid character and track record you’re looking for.

So stop all the giving and birthday-honoring. Stifle your fuckin’ Christmas spirit. Give in smaller amounts, wait, and see who your real friends are. They’re the ones who will give back, eventually, if you can keep your disappointment to yourself and get your standards in check.

STATEMENT:
Give yourself simple, reasonable rules for managing your expectations. “I like giving and receiving close attention, but I put a higher value on friends who are steady and reliable over the long run and don’t require, or necessarily give, constant attention. I’m willing to ignore it if they’re insensitive or forget about my birthday, even if it hurts, as long as I know that, on a deeper level, they’re good friends.”

My girlfriend has been on my ass to see a therapist about my “issues” as a new dad, but this is as close to therapy as I’m willing to get, so here goes. My girlfriend got pregnant and now we live together and have a baby. I work, she stays home with the kid, and after work, I like to go out with my friends and blow off steam before going home to face my girlfriend and baby, who are both crying and pissed. My girlfriend is mad at me for not being more responsible or accepting the fact I’m a dad now, but I didn’t ask to be a dad, and I am being responsible by taking care of my family, and I don’t think it’s asking too much to want some time to myself so I don’t lose my goddamned mind. My goal is to get my girlfriend off my ass.

There are lots of funny songs about the guilty pleasures of honky-tonking with your bar buddies while the old ball-and-chain gets set to chew you out when you get home. It stops being funny if she gives you your freedom, restricts visitation, and takes half your assets.

Whether you like it or not, you’ve got a family and you need to think about whether it’s worth keeping. You should have thought about this before you went condomless, but hey, hindsight’s 20/20 and all that.

Instead of jerking your knee in defiant reflex to a naggy woman, ask yourself what kind of father your child needs and whether meeting those needs is more important than your freedom.

Yes, you didn’t plan to start a family, it’s unfair to you, but it’s also unfair to your baby to be a jackass who values me-time over parenting.

Add up the advantages of family life; it’s whatever you’ll hate to lose if you divorce. If in doubt, ask a lawyer what you can expect to lose. Then, weigh it against what you hate about family life. Now you’re ready for a decision.

If she nags you, don’t get distracted by the idea that staying around is a form of wussiness, and going to the bar shows manly assertiveness. Don’t let your “don’t-tread-on-me” instinct decide the fate of your marriage.

If you need time with your buddies, negotiate with respect. You’ll be more effective if you stifle your manly swagger; it’s not an issue of being whipped by your wife, because you’re already fate’s bitch. Grow up, shut up, and for chrissakes, use birth control.

STATEMENT:
“Our partnership is important and I believe in doing my share; but we can both benefit from an evening out alone with friends, as well as from having time together. I’ve got a plan that will allow us to do that.”