Pathetic Genetics

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2010

Parent/child conflicts can get particularly brutal when people are scared for and determined to save one another. Emotions run stronger, stakes are higher, and the gloves are never on. Instinctively, kids and parents fight for control and submission, and regard it as defeat to accept a new reality and get over it. The reason the instinct is so foolish is because control is impossible, so the battle becomes endless. Conflicts like these need to be handled with great care; they must call them kid gloves for a reason.
–Dr. Lastname

When my mother starting dating my soon-to-be-step-father, I was upset. It’s not just that my father had only died six months earlier, but that this guy was clearly a user and a nowhere near good enough for her. I’m in college, so at least I didn’t have to live under the same roof as this jerk, but I’ve already gone out of my way to avoid him and it’s really annoyed my mom that I haven’t tried to get along with him. Plus it means I’ve spent last time with her, and we used to be really close. When she told me they were going to get married, I freaked out, and now she’s says that if that’s how I feel then I’m not invited to the wedding. I think what my mom and I need is a face-off to get everything on the table and sort out this mess. My goal is to get my mom back.

You’ve got every reason to worry about your mother’s taste in men and its impact on your relationship; after all, her choice has the potential to cause you (and possibly her) great pain, at a time when you’re grieving your father’s death.

Unfortunately, however, all you can do is worry, and after that, you’re fucked. There’s nothing you can do to make things better and lots to make things worse.

Sometimes people feel that grieving entitles them to special consideration, but those people are delusional.

Loss triggers the worst in everyone bereaved, which becomes a chain reaction. Death is hard, but so is life, and you don’t get to cut in entitlement line.

If you go with your feelings—and you’re entitled to them—you’ll make things much worse. You want a face-off because you want to believe you could get through to your mother in a one-to-one conversation. Confrontation is supposed to be “empowering,” which is usually code for, “a giant waste of time.”

You’ll tell her she’s being stupid and insensitive to your feelings, and she’ll tell you you’re an immature brat, and you’ll both repeat yourselves several times at higher volume until the talk is over and no subsequent talks will be scheduled until her third wedding anniversary (or, as you see it, her messy divorce).

Remember, Hamlet had it even worse. True, he had even more reason to be angry (his stepfather had murdered his father and was eager to get him out of the way, the play he wrote for his mother failed to get his point across and got bad reviews, etc).

Being a character in a play, however, he naturally had lots and lots of feelings, all of which he communicated, and his family situation definitely deteriorated as a result. You see, there’s lots you can learn from Shakespeare, namely, ye shall shut up.

Your broader goal isn’t to vent your spleen and get mama back (which won’t happen), but to minimize the damage to yourself and avoid drawing your mother and fiancé together in an alliance based on her fight with you.

Instead, keep your feelings to yourself. Lie low, finish your studies, eat cake at the wedding. Choose peace with your mother over your worries and righteous indignation, because no matter how much you hate her choices, choosing to suck it up is probably what your father would want.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to keep you on course. “I’ve lost the family that I thought was my rock. I don’t know when I’m going to stop hurting. What mattered most to my dad is that I finish my studies and try to support Mom and if that’s impossible, try to stay out of fights. I can’t salvage or rescue my family or stop the pain but if I can keep on course, with all the sadness, loneliness, and irritation I feel, I’ll have accomplished something amazing.”

I was a real fuck-up when I was in high school; I cut a lot of class, got high a lot, got my girlfriend pregnant…she ended the pregnancy, but it was a huge mess. My oldest and only son is now 13, but he’s already becoming a chip off the old block. We’ve always gotten along so well, and I thought we were still getting along, but then I found pot in his room and my wife said she found a condom wrapper in the trash. We live in my wife’s small hometown, so nobody knows about my history, but now my son is going to have to walk around with that reputation, nevermind that he might ruin his future or end up with child support. My goal is to get my son to snap out of it and not fuck up his future.

It’s great that you and your son are good buddies, and that you understand him well, so don’t wreck things by trying to over-control his choices.

Yes, of course you’d like to save him the pain you went through, and you’re terrified of what might happen if he lacks the luck that kept you out of serious trouble. If you act on your feelings, however, you’ll turn your buddy into an enemy, and probably a nightmare.

Look at the bright side; he’s still at home, and you have lots of opportunity to give him good advice and back it up with incentives that are extra strong because he’s relatively dependent. (It’s much harder after he has a car and job).

You understand his problems, having had them yourself, so if you can just keep your emotions safely under wraps, you can be the good coach you never had yourself—you’re in his own live-in “scared straight,” without the scaring him part.

So, in order to be useful to him, start by creating a boundary between what you think will help your son and what your feelings want you to express that would not be helpful.

It’s helpful to discourage marijuana use with whatever monitoring and enforcement system you like, but it’s not helpful to tell him he’s bad, ungrateful or defiant (even if he is), or to present your efforts as punishment, or to generally give him a bad guy to rebel against.

It’s helpful to discourage unsafe sex and unsafe relationships, the latter being those that are overly close and therefore likely to blow up with lots of rage, misery, and distraction. It’s not helpful to tell him he’s got to follow your rules or else.

As an overall rule, it’s helpful to share your own vulnerability to the needs and desires that are pulling at him and state your reasons, based on experience, for not giving in to them.

It’s not helpful to portray yourself as morally superior or as a frightened protector of his image in town. He doesn’t need a visit from the ghost of ruined reputations future. Sure, you’re more his dad than his friend, but being his dad doesn’t make you his judge. Be reasonable, and he might just follow your lead.

STATEMENT:
Give yourself a pep-talk before trying it out on him. “I shouldn’t be surprised that my son has my own impulsivity and eagerness to try everything, and those are good qualities if he can learn how to manage them. It will be no easier for me to control his behavior than it was for my parents with me. Judging from that experience, I’ll get nowhere showing him anger or fear. So I’ll choose my battles carefully and explain my limits in terms of their long-term benefit and try to look calm and friendly, regardless of how I really feel, and hope for the best.”