Fail Jail

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 13, 2010

Some people think self-improvement begins with first finding your faults and then hating the crap out of them and yourself. In reality, hating your faults is a perverse feel-good, like chewing on a canker sore. Attacking yourself, or even those close to you, just kicks someone when when they’re down and makes self-improvement that much more difficult. If you want to improve yourself, improve your tactics, because there are better ways to get better.
–Dr. Lastname

I’ve been a complete, stinking failure since I graduated from college. My job pays well, but I hate it with a passion because I’m treated like shit. Then again, I don’t have the skills to find anything better, though I’ve tried. My drinking has kept my girlfriend from moving in, and, since I’ve never loved anyone else, that means I’ve never had a relationship that works. I don’t really have friends because I’m too nervous to let anyone really know me and I work too hard to meet anyone (at that job that sucks). Now I wonder whether I’m being honest with you, or just whining and slinging bullshit. My goal is to be someone else.

It never ceases to amaze me how people who launch into the most brutal monologues of self-criticism would never allow their friends to talk such shit about themselves in their presence. The only thing they truly fail at is holding themselves to the same standards they hold others.

Your tirade makes you sound like the Yankees fans who can’t stand it when their team isn’t number one. When the Yankees are losing, they always find someone to blame: the owner for paying too much for bad players, or the slumping batter for not caring enough about the game to deliver value for his multimillion dollar salary.

In reality, sometimes other teams are better and hard-driving players slump, and it’s better to ride it out than to rage. The same goes for life in general, because blaming yourself and cursing your performance isn’t going to make it any better, and, unlike the Yankees, you can’t afford the reinforcements.

If you succeeded in hating yourself like this in front of a friend, he’d not just tell you to shut up, but express respect for the strength and courage it takes to work hard at a job you hate so that you can be independent and have some money.

He’d credit your persisting in a job search despite rejection and a bad economy, and express hope for a girl-friendship that has so far survived your drinking problem. He’d admire the other friendships you’ve started, despite your shyness.

Well, I’m not your friend, so I’m going to skip straight to telling you to shut up. I don’t like to hear people be mean to themselves. Don’t do it in my presence. Besides, I’m a Sox fan.

Your goal is not to indulge self-loathing, but to bottle it up and treat yourself with respect. No, I don’t know why you feel that way and I’m not too interested in exploring that question unless you’re willing to stop, now.

Not wait until you feel like stopping, because you can guess how much regard I hold for feelings and the fallacy that bottling them up can kill you. If Girardi had kept his feelings bottled up on Monday, he wouldn’t have gotten tossed from the game (and surely he wouldn’t have dropped dead from a feelings attack).

Thinking like a Red Sox fan—enjoying a losing team on a good streak—is usually more healthy. When the drive for dominance doesn’t trump loyalty, be it to a sports team or to yourself and your values, then losing sucks less, winning feels better, and more fun is had.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement. “I can’t help feeling self-critical, but I will use objective measures to judge how well I’m doing. I will deny expression to self-hate, even if it makes me turn red and develop acne. I will respect myself for legitimate achievements, whether or not they make me happy or rich. I’ll be positive about what I need to do to improve.

I love all my kids, but I don’t know where I went wrong with my youngest son. His older siblings are all accomplished and ambitious; two are married with kids, and one hasn’t had time because he’s finishing his medical training, but he and his girlfriend seem serious. Meanwhile, my youngest hasn’t lived in one place for more than two years, let alone held a job for more than a month, and all he seems to excel at is spending my money and wasting time. I don’t think he’s drinking or using drugs; he just isn’t successful at anything but fucking around. My goal is to get my son’s head out of his ass.

You’re entitled to worry about unlaunched kids who can’t (yet) make a living or misfits who haven’t found their way in life. You can worry, be impatient, or feel resentful; but, as a parent, you are never, ever entitled to get nasty.

Remember (and if you don’t remember, look it up), Archie Bunker was an asshole who made it harder, not easier, for the younger generation to get started by constantly expressing criticism and contempt. He enjoyed venting, and vented poison, so don’t follow in his reclining footsteps.

If your values—self-reliance and hard work— are worthwhile, you will do a much better job of pushing your son in a good direction by praising his strengths and supporting whatever you think will carry him forward. Let life teach him that bad directions take him nowhere. If you tell him, he has to prove you wrong, so let life carry the bad news.

I know, I know, the “real” problem with fucked-up kids is that their precious, testicularly underweight liberal parents never told them they were fuck-ups. Well, that sounds an awful lot like whining to me.

Like one of them liberals, you’ve shared your feelings with your son, and all they’ve done is make things worse. You’re too angry to stop yourself, so let me; Shut up.

He might be a fuck-up, but he’s your fuck-up, so stop cutting him down and start to actually help. Your words will carry much more weight if they make you sound like you’re on his side, which is where you’re supposed to be.

STATEMENT:
“You’ve got imagination and I admire the way you stay clear of drugs. I’m not one of those parents who wants you to do anything that will make you happy, because I think there are bigger issues, like having enough money to support yourself and fight off the crap that life will throw at you, particularly after I’m dead and there’s no financial umbrella. Even now, we can’t support you except in emergencies. So, as much as I hope you will find a happy career, I’m more interested in your developing the strength to make money from shoveling shit, if necessary, because you’re a good person and I want you to be strong and independent.”