The Broken Bunch

Posted by fxckfeelings on May 10, 2010

Everyone wants a feel-good, look-good family, but most of us relate to the more familiar feel-bad families on TV (which look good, and feel better by the end of the show). Still, there’s a difference between your average dysfunctional family unit and your genetic/step-parent clusterfuck. When your family situation is in truly bad shape, you’ve got to be tough enough to accept what you’ve got, then focus on making the best of those impossible relationships, outsider opinions be damned. Unlike those TV families, real problems don’t get solved after a half-hour, not everybody’s pretty, and you have to ignore your ratings with the audience.
–Dr. Lastname

I need to stay married because, while I work a pretty demanding job, my wife stays at home and watches our two kids, whom she adores. The problems are, however, (and there are many): she doesn’t work because of a migraine disorder that’s so debilitating that she’s on disability, and she takes too many non-prescription pain pills for those headaches, and, while they don’t make her a bad parent (I know the kids are safe), they often make her, in your words, a really needy, grumpy asshole and an impossible woman to be married to. I never know when she’s going to kick me out of the bedroom, scream at me in front of friends, or nod off after dinner. Needless to say, she won’t try marriage counseling or cutting back on the pills and thinks I’m bullying her if I suggest we have a problem. I can’t leave her, because it’d break the kids’ hearts, plus, like I said, she provides childcare, which is not something I could afford on my salary, and if I lost custody of the kids, I’d be in a worse hell than I am now. I know I can’t leave, but I don’t think I can live like this much longer. My goal is to find a better way to survive.

You’ve got good marital reasons for staying vs. leaving (the kids, the kids, the kids, and money, but also, the kids). There’s no escaping the fact, however, that her headache is infectious, and you’ve got it, too.

You’ve obviously built up a good, solid tolerance for living with your wife’s problems without fighting all the time, and your values and perspective are great. Which is why you probably already know that your goal is impossible.

Although the pain of living like this is pretty bad, it’s unavoidable, and the alternative, which you’re realistic about, is worse. The question then becomes, is there anything you can do to make things better.

If by “things” you mean hanging on to your initial hopes of a peaceful goodnight kiss, talk-things-out, happy-Mother’s-Day kind of marriage, then the best way to make your relationship better is to give up on your dream, take out your hankie, weep, blow your nose, and get on with it.

As you probably know already, trying to manufacture that kind of relationship using the reality of headache, drug abuse, and unrestrained nastiness will get you ripped up and make things worse for the kids. You probably already know this because you live it everyday.

On the other hand, if, by making things better, you mean minimizing pain and maximizing stability (instead of making your dreamiest dreams of a tranquil union come true), then discard the old conventions and remember the calming power of a wall, whether it’s made of bricks, silence, politeness, or emotional restraint. Hopefully, all of above.

Don’t be ashamed to show that you and your wife are not on the same page; fuck convention, because trying so hard to get on the same page is impossible and killing you both. Don’t be mean, but don’t hesitate to separate whenever you think the alternative won’t work.

Friends and kids may urge you to make nice, kiss, communicate, and listen to the minister/couples therapist. Don’t. Be ready to stand by your own idea of what works best.

Your wife copes with her worries by maintaining a steady diet of denial and pills, but that’s working for her and no one else. You can make everyone happy by being less of a good husband, more of a good roommate, and always a good dad.

STATEMENT:
“My relationship with my wife is very important. We’ve tried hard to stay close, despite a number of unresolvable problems, and too much closeness seems to make things worse. We still believe it’s best to stay and work together. What helps most are arrangements that allow us to live, work, and sleep separately when the tension or disagreements are too emotionally intense. I refuse to talk with her—with or without a helper in the room—about our anger and the issues behind it, because it opens the door on bad feelings and impossible expectations that invariably cause more pain. If, however, the talk is about ways of accepting and managing our differences and disengaging when we must, then I’m open to new suggestions.

I thought I could help my 13-year-old step-daughter after I married her father and taught him how to set some limits with her, but what’s happened is that he continues to be a can’t-say-no, don’t-damage-her-self-esteem wuss, she continues to raise hell to show him how much she hates her evil stepmother, and I’m starting to worry about her bad influence on my own 7-year-old girl. My stepdaughter is not just a brat; she’s already gotten suspended twice for drinking at school. Yes, twice. Our therapist can’t seem to get my husband to take a stand and has started to get down on me about how angry I am and she’s right, I’m starting to hate both my husband and his daughter. I don’t want to lose this marriage or act like an evil stepmother but I also want to protect my own girl.

Not every mixed family can end up like the Brady Bunch. Especially when Jan’s got a flask, Marsha’s pouring, and Cindy’s thirsty.

Once again, if what you want is a conventional, all-healed-up family, you can’t have it. It would be nice, but you gave it a good try and, as often happens in real life, you can never count on getting what you don’t control.

So if that’s what you want, and you keep trying to get your husband to take a stand, or stop your stepdaughter from misbehaving, or make sure bad influences can’t reach your own child, you’ll make things worse. As above, the first thing you can do to make things better is: give up on the idea of one happy family.

Decide for yourself whether what you’ve got is worth keeping; ask whether your husband–the-wuss is a good-enough partner when his daughter isn’t acting up and whether there’s a good chance that your stepdaughter’s troubles won’t gobble up your savings or infect your younger daughter.

If it’s worth staying, then cast aside convention, resign as a strong stepmother, and become a wise consort.

Yes, people (including your husband) may criticize you for not being more nurturing and involved in the life of your troubled stepdaughter. Assuming you aren’t, however, you’re free to avoid disciplining her or having much to do with her unless she asks for your help and is reasonably well behaved.

You can keep your door locked. You’re not punishing her; you’re just avoiding issues that can only end badly. In the meantime, you can remind your daughter how you expect her to behave, no matter what her step-sisters do, and remind yourself that it’s better to be an ex-step-mother than an evil one.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that makes clear your distance is not intended to punish or demean. “I love my husband but it’s become clear to me, after trying hard, that I can’t make a positive contribution to raising his child. There’s no one to blame. Her age and our chemistry are simply wrong. The best way for us to manage our relationship is to keep it friendly but formal and avoid my assuming any parental authority. By this I do not mean to criticize her or withhold love; merely to make the best of a family relationship.