Wives and Worried Parents
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 29, 2010
All parents worry that they’re going to do something, from letting the kids watch too much TV to getting them bad haircuts, that will screw up their children for life. Worse is watching your co-parent, whether or not you’re still together, do the child-dooming while you have to watch. Your instinct is to protect the brood at all costs, but think twice, because doing so will probably cause way more damage than a mullet ever could.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex-wife was never that solid, but even I was surprised when she left me for her yoga instructor, who’s also a total fuck-up. I agreed to joint custody because our daughter deserves to know her mother, no matter how stupid her mother is, but my wife’s visitation falls on the same days as our daughter’s ballet classes, and, wouldn’t you know, my ex- doesn’t have a car (her boyfriend crashed the one she got from me), so she tells me, in front of our daughter, that I’m selfish if I don’t drive the two of them to ballet and back, on her visitation day. It makes me nuts, because I can’t figure out a way to say “no” without disappointing my daughter and looking like a meanie. My goal is to stop my ex-wife from using our daughter to manipulate me.
Attempting to stop your ex-wife’s visitation blackmail is never a good goal; it makes you reactive to her ability to make you feel guilty and/or look bad, rather than to your own ideas about what constitutes an appropriate sacrifice for your child’s welfare.
Besides, you can’t stop her from using your worries about your daughter to push you around. Basically, your ex-wife can fart in your face whenever she wants, even when you’re behind the wheel. She’s already stunk up your marriage.
If you accept and ignore humiliation (and bad smells), however, you can focus on the more important goal you’ve already embraced, which is doing what’s necessary for your daughter’s well-being.
No, that doesn’t mean you should do whatever your ex-wife persuades your daughter to ask you for. Don’t be guilted by your daughter’s pleading or your ex-wife’s attitude. When your ex has visitation, she has responsibility, and you don’t.
Ask yourself what’s the worst that will happen if you don’t bail out your ex. If she isn’t a total loser, she should be able to arrange a ride. On the other hand, if she can’t, you may want to help out on the day of a dress rehearsal.
Decide for yourself whether the fight is worth it. You have a right to spend your off-visitation times on other needs, and it may be good for your wife and daughter to know that you feel no guilt in doing so.
On the other hand, you may decide it’s worth protecting your daughter from your wife’s incompetence. It’s your call, but no matter what, if you’ve thought it through, you needn’t feel guilty.
Do what you think is right. If you help out, it may feel like caving in, but it isn’t, not if you’ve followed procedures and made up your own mind. Besides, if the stress has really got you down, there’s always yoga. Clearly, it’s taken her far.
STATEMENT:
Write a statement you could give your ex. “During your visitation days, it’s your responsibility, not mine, to deal with transportation problems. I have other obligations and may need to be away or unavailable. You’re free, however, to ask for my help (or anyone else’s) and I’ll be happy to let you know what I can do and under what circumstances.”
One of the first things that attracted me to my husband was his sense of humor; he’s a smart, sarcastic guy. Unfortunately, that sense of humor doesn’t translate well to our kids, who, as far as I can tell, are hurt by the same dark, sarcastic tone I so enjoy. I’ve asked him to lighten up because the kids are sensitive, but he acts like I’m telling him he’s a bad parent and then he tells me I’m not doing such a good job myself. I don’t like where this is going, but I’m worried about the harm he can do the kids. My goal is to protect the kids and get my husband to back off without antagonizing him.
Sure, you can get your husband to change his parenting style. Talking to him about it is a great idea, and you should do it lots of times. Then, while you’re at it, you should figure out how to cure cancer and run cars on old twinkie wrappers.
OK, now that we’ve done using some of your husband’s patented sarcasm, you’ve got to accept that your husband will be sarcastic and the kids will have to learn how to deal with it.
On the other hand, you can help everyone take your husband’s style less personally if you begin by accepting it yourself. Yes, you may well feel worried and angry, but keep your feelings to yourself.
Your goal isn’t to express yourself, it’s to help your family manage your husband’s sarcasm. Instead of telling your husband to stop, decide when it’s necessary to speak up and have a response ready.
For instance, step in if the kids seem upset and/or your husband has implied, intentionally or not, that they’ve been bad, stupid, or ludicrous. You can spoil his joke without implying that he’s bad, stupid, or ludicrous, just by telling him gently to make fun of the kids all he likes, but you think they’re being normal kids and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Then everybody gets kisses, nobody’s feelings are hurt, and everyone lives happily ever after. Suuuuure.
STATEMENT:
Prepare a non-blaming response if he accuses you of undermining or humiliating him in front of the kids. “I enjoy your humor and think the kids will, too, as they grow older, but right now it sometimes hurts and mystifies them and gets a bad reaction, even when you’re trying to help them by pointing out something they need to know. When I think they’re too sensitive to take your meaning properly, I’ll urge them not to take your criticism personally, hoping it will help them separate the sting of your tone from the value of your ideas.”
