Husbands and Habits

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 26, 2010

Bad habits are rarely personal—your average nail-biter doesn’t have a cuticle vendetta—but when one half of a marriage gets into bad behavior, even if it has nothing to do with his/her spouse, it’s hard for the other half not to blame his/herself. Women want to discuss the bad habit, men quietly stew, and either way, something impersonal feels like an affront. There’s no escaping the pain when a partnership starts to break down, but you can find ways to talk about bad habits without implying that anyone has failed, or doesn’t care, or just plain bites.
–Dr. Lastname

My husband and I have two kids, we both work hard, and he always used to find time to play with the kids and spend time with me, but in the last few months, he’s buried himself in online poker in the evenings, and the kids see a lot less of him (I do, too, and it’s been a long time since we had sex). He tells me there’s nothing wrong and that he’s not betting with real cash, but I know what I see, so I’ve told him we need to talk, and that’s what’s really infuriating, because then he won’t talk at all. My goal is to figure out why he’s stopped caring about me and find a way to get through to him.

You’re assuming there’s something bothering your husband that you can figure out and communicate about, because that’s what would allow you to fix things; that it’s not the poker that’s really the problem (or the not being poked).

Before you sit him down and try to take him away from the e-poker table, ask yourself what happens if it doesn’t work, which it often doesn’t, and clearly, in your case, hasn’t.

Remember, there are lots of reasons for him to shut down other than his having something on his mind. He could be depressed and/or stuck in some kind of bad habit that he can’t shake. Even on-line poker can become addictive, whether or not the money’s fake.

If you push him to talk when he can’t think of anything to say or can’t own up to the bad habit or isn’t ready to fight it, he’ll get quiet and sullen. Then you’ll feel more certain that he’s angry about something he won’t tell you about and angry at you, and you’ll be angry at him, and upset that you’re angry, and worried about the kids’ reacting to your anger, and it’s a mess.

The issue will feel more and more personal. You’ll wind up water-boarding him, which won’t get you useful information and/or do the marriage any good. You will bet the house, and you’ll lose.

Remember, he’s withdrawn from the kids, too, and probably from the dog. Your own behavior was OK before and it hasn’t changed; something just happened to your husband that you can’t control. Withdrawal always feels personal, but it isn’t. If he had a tell to reveal his true feelings, you’d know it, and it ain’t there.

Your goal shouldn’t be to fix your marriage, because that’s not in your power. It’s to protect yourself and the kids from feeling responsible for what he’s doing, make the best of it, and not let anger make things worse (though Lord knows you have reason to feel angry).

If his little habit starts cutting into his other obligations, or if he starts gambling in earnest, then you’ve got a bigger problem. For now, he’s holding the line, and if you can’t make the best of it, you can always bluff in the meantime.

STATEMENT:
“You’ve always been a great husband and father, and we’ve been a great family together, but the huge amount of time you now spend playing poker has made you unavailable, which has all of us hurting. I don’t think anyone, including you, has done anything wrong, but I wonder if you’re depressed or have got stuck in some kind of bad habit. It happens to good people. I wish you could see what’s happening and try to change it, but that’s your call. Meanwhile, I’ll assume you can’t be available and the rest of us will need to adjust. I’m sorry, because you’ll lose chances to share things with us and I’ll have to rely more on my friends when I’d rather talk to you. If I can help, let me know.”

After my kids went off to college, I dealt with it by drinking too much. My husband’s always worked long hours, so he didn’t notice at first, but I managed to get his attention by totaling our car (with our daughter in the passenger seat). We were both fine and I haven’t had a drink since that day two years ago, and, while my kids have been very understanding, I can’t seem to win back my husband’s trust, no matter what I do. I’ve done rehab, attended daily AA meetings, done my best to be a model wife by anyone’s standards, and it doesn’t seem to make a difference. My goal is to get my husband to trust me again.

Though there’s nothing you’d like more than to regain your husband’s trust, it’s a terrible goal because it focuses on someone else’s feelings about you, rather than on your own priorities and values.

Surely AA has taught you to respect the things you can’t control, and surely, after raising kids with him, you know your husband is one of those things.

You know, mothers who love to nurture and are particularly responsive to their kids’ needs often have a harder time coping with an empty nest. You are simply gifted at putting other people first and it’s both strength and weakness.

If emptiness starts you drinking, you feel terrible about letting down your family and the shame drives you to drink more. Thinking about your husband is unavoidable—second nature, even—but, as you’ve already learned, it’s dangerous.

If you haven’t relapsed by now, it’s probably because you’ve found your own reasons to stay sober. Perhaps the AA meetings have given you support that’s separate from your family and also, perhaps, a perspective your husband doesn’t have.

In AA meetings, alcoholics don’t have to feel ashamed of being alcoholic; they try to be proud of what they’re doing about it. They build a wall between their alcoholism and how they manage it and between the past and what they’re doing now. Every day, shame and sensitivity threaten to make them believe that they’re failures and their job is to protect and accept themselves.

When you and your alcoholism were outed, you were probably mortified before you discovered big advantages. Yes, you lost friends who couldn’t accept you, but then you didn’t need to worry any longer about their acceptance, and could feel much more secure about those who stuck with you and respected your efforts to get sober.

Your husband may not be able to accept and respect you as much as you deserve. If so, it means he loved the glossy version of you more than the real woman. You can’t control his feelings, no matter how painful they may be to both of you.

You must, however, protect yourself from trying to get respect from someone who may not have it to give. Better be sad and get it over with than pine over something or someone that’s lost, and best do all of it sober.

STATEMENT:
“My dear husband, you may well feel you can’t get back to the way you used to feel about me. I was always afraid of losing your respect and that’s one reason I covered up my drinking. Now that I’m sober, I’m proud of what I do. I take no responsibility for sometimes wanting to drink and never knowing whether I’ll drink again. I can’t take responsibility for your feelings. I can only take responsibility for what I’ve done with the problem, and I’m much prouder of that than I’ve ever been. If you can accept me the way I am, our relationship can be better than ever. If that’s not possible, then there’s nothing either one of us can do.”