Women’s Work

Posted by fxckfeelings on April 5, 2010

Despite all that Hillary, Michelle, and Jóhanna have done to break glass ceilings for women (the latter being the first female Prime Minister of Iceland, no small shakes), we still get letters from ladies with workplace issues caused not by performance, but by gender. Ironically, our answers are far more gender-neutral; workplace disagreements should always be professional and unemotional, whether you’re a man or a woman, or in or outside of the Arctic Circle.
–Dr. Lastname

My boss has never really been supportive of my work, but we get along well, and it’s partly because I haven’t asked for a raise in over 20 years. Recently, however, he began to give me a hard time about leaving early, and it’s really pissed me off because I work a lot at home on the computer (my husband and I have trouble getting reliable after-school childcare) and I take pride in working hard. (It’s particularly unfair and infuriating because I’ve had an unusually good year and everyone, including my boss’s boss, the big boss, knows it and I was even thinking now, finally, I would get a raise. Certainly not a reprimand. I’m reaching my breaking point here, because it’s one thing to work your ass off for poor pay because you like the work and the people on your team, but another to be bullied over nothing on top of that. I’m meeting with the big boss tomorrow and my goal is to get the credit I deserve and maybe give him a piece of my mind.

Reassuring women about their feelings instead of giving them a raise is something guys have done to girls (and communication-sensitive people of all genders) since the glass ceiling was made out of quills.

This is not to say that men are entirely at fault; women make it easy for guys to do this by bringing up their feelings as a reason/using them to push for a raise, instead of letting facts and economics do the pushing for them.

So, if your goal is really to get the credit you deserve, you don’t mean a pat on the head and a gift certificate to the Teddy Bear mart. Unfortunately, if you give someone a piece of your mind instead of a business-like argument, that’s what you’ll get in return: a chance to express your feelings of pent-up outrage and hear that “he feels your pain” and values you greatly with no change to your paycheck.

What’s even worse about expressing outrage is that it may make the boy-bosses nervous and force them to band together against you. If you make them feel guilty for having underpaid for and underappreciated your work, they’re much more likely to justify themselves by finding fault with your performance than to blame themselves and see that justice is done.

Your real goal, 20 years in, is to try to get a raise, because a job is what you do to make money, not to be understood or have your feelings relieved, regardless of how much pressure they’re building up inside.

Shut up about your feelings, ask for a raise, and do it positively. Fortunately, you don’t need to be eloquent or impassioned. If you’ve got a good record of sales or productivity to back you up, which you do, you’ve got great ammunition, so just stay unemotional and cite the reasons the company would be smart to give it to you.

Mention your boss’s criticism in passing and then knock it down without implying he’s bad, mean, or intentionally unfair. Document as much as you can.

End pleasantly. Let the facts, and not your passionate or intimidating tone, persuade the big boss he should think hard about your raise, regardless of what your immediate boss is fussing about.

People can live their whole lives without getting what they deserve; but few people can work one place for 20 years without at least having a good case for increasing their paycheck. Be emotional, and you’ll get condescended to. Be professional, and you might actually get the cash.

STATEMENT:
“Thanks for finding time for this meeting. I want to propose a major raise because, for many years now, my responsibilities have expanded and my value to the company has increased, while my salary has gradually fallen farther behind what my peers make. This year, the great results my team and I achieved make the disparity more obvious. As much as I love working here, I don’t want to be penalized for my loyalty. My supervisor would probably agree with this reasoning, but recently he seemed distracted by the idea that I was leaving early. In fact, I’ve always worked hard but, particularly with the extra work this past year, working at home has been more efficient than staying in the office and looking busy. Here is a summary of my actual job description, some data about the range of salaries currently being paid for a comparable position, and my idea of what my salary should be. Please let me know what you think of my reasoning and, if you agree, what you can do to improve my salary.”

My work re-located six months ago, and since then, I’ve had to share a small office with another woman in my department. I’ve never known her that well or talked to her much before we became office-mates, but since the move, she’s made it really hard to get work done with her incessant over-sharing. It’s not just that she talks constantly, which she does, but that she talks about things I really don’t feel comfortable hearing about, like her sex life (or really her husband’s dependency on Cialis), speculation about our co-worker’s sex lives…she even started talking about her daughter’s sex life recently, which was the last straw. When I complained about her to a supervisor, however, he seemed to write off the situation as bad chemistry, or two ladies having a tiff, but I’m afraid that my inability to get work done is going to be reflected in poor performance, and then my job will really be on the line. My goal is to get this crazy woman out of my office.

Don’t get obsessed with pushing out your nattering office-mate, or your anger will weaken your case and allow you to be dismissed as, you guessed it, emotional.

You have a right to feel the way you do. Express your feelings, however, and the guys may dismiss you as an emotional girl having trouble with another hen.

Put your goal into business-like, unemotional terms on which all can agree. You want a work-place that allows you and others to get their work done and, if there’s a problem, you want to address it without negative feelings. Stick with this idea and it will keep you out of trouble.

Staying unemotional and logical also puts you and your boss on the right side of the law. Every dispute in an office can turn legal and, by Murphy’s Law, when it does, justice is seldom served (if anyone get’s served, it’s going to be you).

If you seem angry at your office-mate and she claims to be victimized by your making a big deal out of a few innocent statements, your boss has to worry about her protesting his reprimand.

Let your office-mate know, politely, each time you don’t wish to be distracted by a private conversation. Develop a formula that stays professional even if you have to use it many times. You could say, “I’d like to listen, but I’ve got to stay focused.” Even if you have to say it over and over again.

Collect facts because, like the previous mistreated worker, facts, not emotions, are where the strength in your complaint lies. Keep a log, so whenever she over-rides your polite request, write down the date, time, what she says and for how long.

When you present the problem to your boss, don’t make him think or do the work of data-gathering. State your commitment to finding respectful and positive solutions and your regret at having to document behavior you wish your colleague could control.

The more you edit out your anger, the more her own statements, particularly the inappropriately juicy parts, will speak for themselves without seeming exaggerated and the better your chances that the henhouse will be quiet again.

STATEMENT:
“Several months ago, I told my office-mate, respectfully, that I found it very distracting when she struck up a personal conversation when I was trying to concentrate and that, without meaning to be offensive, I would let her know when I needed her to stop. I followed up with an email making that point, which I’ve attached. Unfortunately, she really couldn’t stop herself and things didn’t get better, so here’s my record, covering the last month, of what she said after I asked her to stop. I know she doesn’t mean any harm, but this constitutes a kind of harassment and interference with my work—I need to meet productivity standards—and I need your help to get my work done.”