Paranoid & Destroyed

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 29, 2010

For our 100th post, we address a problem that causes loads of people useless worry, and that is…useless worry. Just because horrible things may happen to you or someone you love (or because of someone you love), life shouldn’t end. Prepare yourself the best you can for whatever trouble you think you see coming, and then continue your regularly scheduled, useful life.
–Dr. Lastname

Living with my mentally ill 30-year-old daughter is wearing me out. My wife and I can never leave her alone, but we also can’t take her with us because she gets uncomfortable when she’s around people she doesn’t know and says inappropriate things in a loud voice and has to get up and leave. The problem isn’t her, though, it’s my wife, who is so worried about what will happen if we put her in a half-way house with other sick people that she can’t think clearly about it. We’ve got some money, but if we paid for my daughter to have her own condo and a nurse to keep an eye on her, the money wouldn’t last long. Then again, if she continues to live with us, we won’t last long. My goal is to get my wife to see that we have to get her into a state-supported program, for her sake and ours.

You hope to get your wife to see that your mentally ill daughter needs to live independently, but if you were making any progress in that direction, you wouldn’t be writing.

Let’s assume then, at least for the moment, that your hopes are false and your wife can’t let go, and if she can’t let go, she’ll always be thinking of new ways to make your daughter feel more comfortable and better understood. Which makes your goal a more and more distant dream.

It also means less legitimacy for other priorities, like preparing your daughter for life after you’re gone, or tending to your own needs or the needs of other kids.

When your wife’s approach wears you out (and it will, if you aren’t a saint), you’ll get angry and then she’ll blame you for making your daughter feel unloved and causing conflict that makes her sick.

As such, your wife’s not letting go will make things worse, as will your own refusal to let go of pushing your wife to let go. So, let’s stamp out your presumably false hope and ask how to make the best of things if your wife won’t change course.

First, figure out what you think is the right way to proceed, given the limitations of your resources and the nature of your daughter’s illness. Whatever you do, don’t expect what you have to do to feel good, because whatever it is, it won’t produce a cure or happiness, and won’t provide the guilt-blocking pleasure of unrestricted giving.

Then get advice from experts about her illness and what public benefits exist. Talk to other parents who have dealt with this issue, and count your savings. After that, put together a plan that represents the best compromise for dealing with two absolutely unavoidable and insoluble problems: the riskiness of independence when you’re mentally ill, and the costliness of long-term care when you’re not super rich.

Finally, ask yourself what you can do to implement this plan without your partner’s help, while encouraging her to join you if she chooses. You need to be able to stand by your plan so that her fears or criticism won’t paralyze you or draw you into argument.

You can’t reassure your wife that things will turn out well, but you can show her that you believe your way is best. If you appear calm about your plan and confident that you’re doing the right thing, she may eventually feel less responsible for all the bad things that could happen to your daughter and better able to do what will work best in the long run.

STATEMENT:
I have a duty to push our daughter towards independence while also attending to other responsibilities. I know this will cause her pain in the short run and deprive her of help I wish I could afford, but can’t. If I put together the best plan I can, however, I can take pride in being a good parent and offer that confidence to my wife and daughter as an alternative to fear.

My wife and I recently retired and we’ve been looking forward to a good life together, but recently I noticed she’s been getting forgetful and I wonder if she’s developing Alzheimer’s, which runs in her family. I hate to admit this, but I don’t think I’m capable of taking care of someone with Alzheimer’s, even if it’s my wife, whom I love very much. I can’t talk to her about it, because I don’t want to frighten her, and most of the time when I think about what to do, I just want to get away. Should I persuade her to get an evaluation so it can be treated? My goal is to do something to prevent this disaster from happening.

Getting into a panic with the goal of preventing Alzheimer’s is as useless as being paralyzed with fear over anything you can’t help, from the Rapture to the weather forecast to the Red Sox prospects in 2010.

Yes, you can urge your wife to get a physical and whisper to the doctor that she seems a little forgetful, and that will get him/her to check out curable causes of memory loss, like vitamin deficiency and depression.

At that point, believe it or not, you’ve done your job. If you press further by urging her to get cognitive testing and trying all available treatments, you may well make your lives worse.

A better goal for almost all the chronic problems of aging is to do what you can to treat them and then forget about them. You don’t want her to become her illness; you want her to live her usual life as much as possible.

For most people with memory loss, there’s no impending disaster. It’s only later, if and when it becomes severe, that people lose their personalities and require constant watching.

In your wife’s case, later may be a long, long time away. Meanwhile, you’ve got a life together that you don’t want to ruin by worrying about something that may not happen. Your goal is to fight fear, do what’s necessary for a possible illness, and live life as usual.

Your goal also isn’t to be extra nice to her; forgetfulness can be irritating to live with, and if you try too hard to be nice, you’ll get extra nasty. Instead, just try not to be mean, and give yourself credit when you can keep yourself in check. That’s always helpful in marriage, whether your spouse is demented or not.

STATEMENT:
Reassure yourself. “If there’s something that will actually help my wife with her memory, I’ll do it. Otherwise, it’s business as usual for as long as possible.”