Commit Fit

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 25, 2010

Much is made of how difficult commitment is. While some people actually have the opposite problem (and, if stereotype serves, a lot of those people are lesbians), commitment disorder doesn’t have an easy fix, not in the form of a pill, a breakthrough, or a Prince/ss Charming. If you don’t like commitment, the real question isn’t whether you could like being married, but whether you could like it more than being uncommitted and alone.
–Dr. Lastname

I have a history of getting claustrophobic in relationships. Once I’ve been with a guy for a while, I start to worry that he’s not really the one, and that I’m missing my chance to be with the one by being with him, so I cut him loose and start all over again. I usually feel some regrets, but I don’t stay single for long, so those regrets don’t really last. This time, however, it’s different; I dumped my boyfriend a few months ago (after living together for two years), and now that I’m old enough to think seriously about starting a family, I’m worried I just lost a guy who would’ve been a great father and a good partner. Then again, I’m also worried that if I do get him back, I’ll just get restless and ditch him all over again. I always thought that, if I found the right person, my restlessness would go away. My goal is to get over my claustrophobia and get settled down.

Some people are born restless, and, while it would be nice if love and/or therapy could take away your ramblin’ urges when the time is right, it usually doesn’t work that way.

Being restless doesn’t have to mean that you’re immature, afraid of intimacy, or defective in any way. Restlessness has its good side; it keeps you moving into new adventures, and may be a survival trait if you’re a hunter, entrepreneur, or musician. It’s not good, however, when it comes to relationships.

If your goal is to stop your restlessness as a precondition to settling down, you may find yourself on an endless hunt for Mr. Right and/or the right therapist. Meanwhile, time goes by, your feet keep moving, and you lose boyfriends, your eggs, and then your teeth. In the process, you feel like there’s something wrong with you.

Meanwhile, looking for endless love as a solution to your restlessness is a good way to find Mr. Wrong. Guys who stir up huge amounts of passion are often outlaws and narcissists who will waste your time, break your heart, and further help me build my practice.

Instead, assume the claustrophobia won’t go away, and decide for yourself whether settling down and partnering up is worth the pain.

The potential advantages are: kids, steady company, and someone to watch your back/”Lost” with. The potential disadvantages include: claustrophobia, boredom, and feeling sad whenever you see a possible adventure that you can no longer pursue.

Don’t pay too much attention to what other people think (certainly if those other people are in romantic comedies). Adding up the pros and cons for yourself is the only way to get the strength you’ll need to stick with your decision.

Either way, your decision will hurt and make you unhappy, but that’s life on, or rather off, the road. If you think you can be restless and also be happy, you’ll become a perpetual patient, and that’s good for only one person, me. And I’m not going anywhere.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to keep the doctor away. “I’m restless but I want to settle down and I know it won’t be easy. I’ll try to find a reasonable candidate and then see if I can do it. I need someone solid who will give me breathing room and I’ll also need the independence to make good use of alone time.”

I love my brother to pieces, but I get so annoyed with him because ever since he’s been old enough to date, he’s dropped everyone when he and his girlfriends get serious, and he seems to jump from serious relationship to serious relationship (I swear he’s lived with every girlfriend since college). It’s one thing to ditch your friends when you move in with a girl, but your family? He goes to his girlfriends’ families for holidays, vacations, forgets about Dad’s birthday…and I know he’s serious about these girls when he’s with them, but they’re girlfriends, we’re blood, and it’s not cool. My goal is to get my brother to realize who comes first.

You probably love your brother as much as you do because, when he’s busy being your brother, he’s all yours. By now, however, you should suspect that it’s his nature to be over-attached, whether it be to you or anyone else.

Good news is, his abandoning you isn’t personal. The bad news is that you’re not so special, and he’ll do this to all his close relations (excepting maybe the girl he marries).

The yet-more bad news is that, if you confront him and make him feel guilty, you may do nothing but drive him away. If he doesn’t have the perspective to see his behavior as a problem (and that’s a strong possibility), then he’ll see the problem as yours; you’re too needy, controlling, and clingy. He’ll tell you to see a shrink, and here you are.

So give up your old dreams of a close, consistent friendship with your brother. Then, if he’s still worth maintaining a relationship with (and I assume he is), your goal is to do your best with someone who is either totally available or not at all.

Your brother knows who comes first; the problem is, it’s no one but the one he’s with. Unfortunately, loving your brother means accepting sparse leftovers.

STATEMENT:
Refer to your general procedure for staying friends with the seldom-available. “I will keep things friendly and superficial. I may contact him regularly, but infrequently, by email rather than directly, using no more than two sentences, and in no way that requires a response. If and when he is available, I will increase my availability if I wish, but never present myself as more available, or more eager, than he.”