Everybody Flirts

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 22, 2010

Just because flirting can come naturally to almost anyone and anything from people to dogs to penguins, that doesn’t mean we’re all naturally gifted at flirtational arts. Some of us freeze around people we want to thaw, while others flirt indiscriminately, spanning the dogs to penguin gamut. If you’re flirt-impaired, however, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to die alone. There are others ways to get to know someone (and we don’t mean sniffing your intended’s butt).
–Dr. Lastname

I’m interested in a woman here at work, which automatically has two complications. First of all, we work together (although not directly, we’re just both teachers at the same elementary school). Second, despite being an educated guy in my 30s with hobbies and friends and all those good normal things, I am and have always been a completely incompetent flirt. I do not know how to be charming or cute, and I have no idea how I’ve gotten women interested in me in the past (and yes, I’m a math teacher). Do you have any flirting tips for the socially inept? My goal, simply, is to get the girl.

Thanks goodness flirting isn’t necessary, or many of us would never have gotten a first date, math teachers wouldn’t be able to propagate, and Poincaré would never have conjectured. Fortunately, there’s more than one kind of mating ritual for humans.

Ever if you were good at it, you’d find that flirting has its drawbacks. Because it’s fun and sexy, flirting tends to start something up before you really know where you want to go (see: the case that follows this one).

Particularly at work, getting attached and then getting to know someone is a risky way of dating that can turn a normally shitty day at the office into an endless trail of tears (and into good business for me).

If you’re a flirt, people may like your company and want to date you, but not necessarily do business with you. Unless they’re totally charmed, there’s an element of mistrust. Flirting is a two-edged kind of magic that, if you have it and use it, can often do more harm than good.

Even with internet dating, flirting often backfires. While two flirts are having fun playing verbal tennis, they often lose track of what they really need to find out about one another. They forget that their goal is not simply to connect, but to find a good person, and that good people are often not good flirters.

Finally, there’s Bill Clinton, the Olympic heavyweight of flirts, who proves that flirting can both win friends and influence people . . . to want to end your career (and maybe wring your neck). It’s a tough gift to manage.

Take advantage of what you’ve got, which is an opportunity to get to know someone you’re attracted to before you have to think about asking her out. Working together gives you a chance to see what she’s like, and how the two of you get along under pressure.

You get to see how she deals with kids, bosses, hard work, and colleagues. With luck, you can form a bond of friendship before you have to deal with love or sexual attraction.

You might long for the fun and sexiness that go with flirting (as opposed to the more straightforward tactics at your disposal), but remember, you’re smarter than that. Since you’re co-workers, you want this equation to result in a relationship, not a carefree fling. So get to it, and remember, show your work.

STATEMENT:
Then, if you still want to date her after you’ve gotten to know her, there are non-flirtational ways to move forward without having to be eloquent, attractive, or cool. In other words, without having to make a fool of yourself. “I’ve noticed we work well together and have a very positive chemistry. I wonder if you’ve thought of exploring a more social and personal relationship.”

For whatever reason, I always find myself getting hung up on guys my friends and I call “flirtrons”—guys who flirt with everyone and everything as if they were robots built that way. The problem is, I don’t realize that they’re not flirting with me on purpose until it’s too late and I’m hooked (and then hurt when the interest isn’t mutual). I want to know, what makes these guys act this way, and how do I get better flirtron-dar. My goal is to stop falling for guys who don’t give a shit.

The first mistake most people make when trying to correct bad behavior is trying to figure out why they do something instead of just skipping to how to stop it. That’s like starting a seminar to debate the sources of a fire before reaching for the extinguisher.

In your case, you hope that knowing more about your weakness for compulsive flirts and/or their reasons for being that way will give you a way to stop wanting them. Don’t do it, because by the time you’ve figured it out, your house will have burned down.

Don’t ask why some people can flirt without getting hurt but you can’t—even if you figure out an answer, you’re unlikely to change—and don’t ask why some guys don’t mean what they say.

Whatever answers you come up with won’t allow you to change them, or the fact that there are a lot of them, and you’re attracted to them, and they’re bad for you. God makes lots of bad things, and your job isn’t to study them, but to recognize and avoid.

Now that you’re ready to accept the fact that you’re an incurable flirtronaholic, it’s time to plan your own rescue. Until you’ve got yourself under better control, don’t talk to men unless you’re accompanied by a friend who can pinch you when she sees that you’re connecting too much. That’s right, you need a designated flirt-monitor, because you don’t need “flirtron-dar,” but a flirt detector that administers sharp shocks.

When she pinches you, stop, shut up, and walk away, and afterwards she can tell you what she saw that identified the guy as a flirtron, and at what point you should have reduced the intensity of your contact and didn’t.

Draw up a list of flirtron identifiers: lots of eye contact, conversations with momentum and emotional content and entertaining topics that leave you wanting more. It’s not normal for men to be like that. It’s exciting, but also combustible.

Don’t worry that your reticence will drop you out of the relationship market entirely, just off the market for guys who crave your (or any girl’s) attention. Naturally, we think firemen might be your perfect dating pool.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a mission statement that will keep you away from your deadly weakness. “I admit that I’m a flirtronaholic. Finding one male friend requires screening out 100 flirtrons and, in the absence of good instincts, I’ll rely more on my friends and develop procedures for keeping myself under control while I do the screening that must be done. ”