Confrontations, Complications

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 18, 2010

When you’re upset about someone’s behavior and a talk is unavoidable, it’s hard not to see the next step as an emotional showdown in which you’re armed with guilt, anger, and intimidation to persuade the other guy to do what you want. This technique works, too…if what you want is to get the other guy annoyed and unmotivated. Luckily, we’re here to provide a Confrontational Plan B.
–Dr. Lastname

My husband has been coming down hard on our 15-year-old daughter because she recently got caught drinking at school, and it’s undeniable now that she has a problem. I’m worried, too, but not like my husband, maybe because I was a bit of a wild child myself in high school, or maybe just because I don’t think the problem is insurmountable since I got over my bad habits and turned out just fine. Besides, yelling at a kid often drives them into just the kind of trouble you’re trying to save them from. The problem is that when I try to calm my husband down by telling him that things are going to work out, it makes him even worse. He tells me I’m not taking the situation seriously, but I am and I’m just trying to help. My goal is to find out what I can say to my husband to make him feel better (without making him angrier).

It’s tempting to express anger and fear when kids misbehave; for whatever reason, parental instinct tells us that if reason doesn’t work, terror will.

On the other hand, there’s a reason “Scared Straight” had kids being barked at by tattooed prisoners, not suburban parents.

You’re right in that there’s a large group of misbehaving kids who get worse when you yell at them. Then you yell louder and they give you less eye contact, louder still and they storm out of the room, and eventually you get so angry and helpless that you see no alternative but to call a psychiatrist. Thanks, but surely you see the error of your ways.

You probably also see that trying to offer your husband and/or daughter reassurance will also make things worse. By doing so, each can then complain that you’re either not taking the problem seriously or not offering enough personal support.

If you want to avoid this nastiness, shut up with your feelings. Then do a straightforward risk assessment of her behavior, and then, if necessary, use your powers as owner of the house, car, pantry, family treasury and/or entertainment center to encourage that behavior to improve.

Assume that your daughter doesn’t (yet) have the power to control herself. In many ways, she’s probably a very capable young lady. Among the many things right with her brain, however, there’s one thing that’s a bit off. So don’t feel personally hurt or enraged when she breaks her promises and the rules.

Don’t waste time talking about responsibility and trust. Instead, administer her penalty, express regrets, and go back to your business. The message is that this conflict isn’t going to wear me down, and maybe these rules will eventually help you control yourself, but I’m done taking it personally.

Also avoid wasting too much time figuring out what’s wrong; knowledge, insight and sharing make for great catharsis on TV, but seldom change behavior in real life. Sure, try once or twice, and then, if the behavior isn’t changing, read up on ways to manage a sober half-way house and do your job.

When you tell your husband and daughter that everyone’s going to be alright, part of why they get annoyed is because you all know it’s bullshit. Your daughter has trouble controlling her urges, and, while nothing will ever really be alright, there’s a good chance you can work to keep everything from going all wrong.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement for your hubby. “I’m worried about our daughter’s drinking, but we’ll help her more by enforcing some simple rules than by yelling at her. She’s a good kid with a bad habit that probably won’t go away quickly, so let’s be tough about the rules, watch her closely, keep our expectations low, and stay friendly.”

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time, and since I’ve known him, he’s been the last person to leave the bar. We were in college then, so that wasn’t too strange, but as we get older, it’s starting to make me worry. He gets buzzed every night, and while it hasn’t gotten him into trouble at work and he’s not a mean drunk, I worry about what it’s going to do in the long run. He hates it, however, when I bring up my worries. He tells me this is Boston, he’s Irish, it’s not a big deal, and everyone in his family drinks more than he does, and if I keep on nagging him, I’ll drive him to drink. I care about him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, so I want him to be healthy, but I also don’t want to address the issue with him and have him get angry and upset for no reason. My goal is to do what’s right for my boyfriend without causing conflict and making things worse.

It’s tough to have a husband with a loveable personality and a hateful habit, particularly if you have kids. He may not be your husband yet, I know, but if you stick together, it’s not like he’s going to turn into your dog.

So forget for a moment how much you love your boyfriend and ask yourself where his drinking habit is going and how much it’s likely to get in the way of his being a future partner, worker, and father.

Don’t pretend he’s going to change. If he’s had his habits a long time, they’re part of his culture, and he has no desire to change, well, he’s more likely to become a canine than randomly decide to get sober.

If you can’t change him, but you can decide whether he’d make a good partner the way he is. The answer, from what you say, is not really.

If that’s your answer, deal with your feelings before you speak to him. If you ask him to make your fear go away, he will, by kissing you sweetly, and then you’ll be back to pretending that things will be great. You don’t want him to make you feel less worried; you want to see better behavior and strong motivation to sustain it.

Don’t take it personally, thinking that, if he loved you better, he’d be willing to give up drinking. He’ll show you he loves you and then you’ll start pretending that things will be alright, but love can’t make things alright. This is one of those instances where love can make things quite wrong.

Finally, don’t worry about upsetting him. The most important issue isn’t whether he gets upset, but whether you can accept him as a partner. If you can’t, you hope it upsets him, not because you want to make him angry, but because you hope he cares.

He might even care enough to decide to quit drinking…or you might end up looking into adopting a puppy.

STATEMENT:
Your best chance of influencing him is to give him the facts as you see them, without drama. “You’re a wonderful guy and I think you’d make a great partner except for your drinking. After a certain hour, you’re not all there and I can’t count on you for driving and I wouldn’t trust kids to you and I’m sure I’d have to be the responsible adult, which I would hate. You’re a wonderful guy, but you don’t meet the job description. Let me know if you want to change.”