Parenting Under/Overkill

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 15, 2010

Part of being a kid is testing your limits with your parents-how late can you stay up, how many times can you hit your sister, how frequently can you have keggers in the garage-but what’s discussed less frequently is how parents have to test their own limits with their kids. While you might not want to be too forceful with your kid, part of being a parent is making choices and enforcing them. On the other hand, you don’t have to be so pushy that you go from parent to endless nag. It’s a careful balance, but the family buck stops with you, so you’ve got to make the call. Besides, if you don’t get it right, then those keggers will be the least of your problems.
–Dr. Lastname

My son was diagnosed with severe depression when he was a freshman in high school. I know it’s supposed to be a hereditary disease, but neither I nor my husband have any history of it; we both come from stiff-upper-lip backgrounds, and when our son attempted suicide, we were completely taken by surprise. He was also doing drugs, and we didn’t know it. He’s doing much better now, seeing a therapist weekly, but I still worry about his going off to college next year. He doesn’t share much with us, but I know he wants to do what’s “normal.” I don’t want to intrude on his relationship with his therapist or undermine his confidence or make him feel pressured, but we need to decide whether he’s ready to go. My goal is to make the right decision without hurting him in the process.

You can’t protect your son from of having an illness and all the trauma that goes with it, so for your own sake, and against all your instincts, don’t try.

On the other hand, if you try too hard to avoid all potentially painful issues with your son and stick to being stoic and reserved, you’ll be helping him avoid the hard choices he has to make, instead of doing your job.

Life is hard, precisely because it includes illness and drug abuse on top of the usual high stresses of being adolescent and finding a way to be independent. It’s a clusterfuck, and you’re the motherclusterfucker; you’re all in this together.

You’re right, you need to make decisions about whether he’s ready to go to college, but if you guess wrong, he’ll get pushed into relapse and a worse sense of loserness. Then you’ll be out a big chunk of tuition that will have done him no good and won’t be there later, when it might help.

In other words, on no level can you afford to be squeamish about dealing with the issues of his illness and drug abuse just because you’re afraid of hurting his self-esteem. Life is responsible for hurting his self-esteem, and while you gave him life, the transference of responsibility doesn’t work that way.

Instead of trying to make things right, try to prevent further damage. You’ve got painful topics to discuss, but that’s why you became parents: to experience a new level of pain. Starts from childbirth and it’s only downhill from there.

You don’t have to be critical or grim or sad to discuss this issue. Yes, you have to push the sad fact that he has not one but two chronic conditions—depression and a weakness for drugs—but, having accepted that, you’re free to celebrate the good work he’s done and talk about realistic options.

It’s possible to push your son towards making good decisions without shoving him into a wall. Don’t be afraid of doing the heavy lifting parenting can require; time to forget your upper lip and, instead, stiffen your resolve.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a formula. “You’re recovering nicely from a bad bout of depression, but we know that the brain can take a long time to recover fully and that you’ll always be vulnerable to relapse and, probably, drug abuse. Life is hard, and that’s the way it is. Now, you’re doing your job perfectly; you’re sober, you work as hard as you can at school, and you use therapy to get stronger. Let’s look at how you’re doing with your current course-load, get input from your teachers and therapist, and consider how much structure you’re likely to need next year and whether it’s time yet for you to live away from home while continuing your work.”

I love my parents, and we have a good relationship, but if the issue of my sexuality ever comes up (I’m a gay man), all hell breaks lose; my mother sobs about how the family name is going to die, my father pleads for me to try and find the right woman, your typical Jewish soap opera. I know they’re not really bigots and all the hubbub comes from a place of concern, but enough already, you know? None of us is getting any younger, I’m not getting any less gay, and yet they refuse to tone it down. My goal is to get my parents to calm down about the issue before it drives me away completely.

The tough part about having loudly protective parents, as opposed to quietly protective ones like the mother above, is that loud is harder for parents to control, once they’ve gotten into the habit.

People always say that telling the truth is important, but in reality, telling the truth is more gratifying than important; unbottling all of your feelings and unbottling all of your hard liquor have a similar emotional result (and similarly damaging long-term effects).

This truth urge is especially strong for some people when they become parents; it feels right, somehow, to smite the person they’re trying to protect. It expresses all feelings at once, love and hate, protection and punishment. It’s a lost weekend of honesty.

If they were too restrained, instead of too verbal, you’d have an easier time. Then again, Jews wouldn’t be Jews and the Mediterranean would be a basin of peaceful civilization, instead of a crusade magnet for the entire world. [Full disclosure: if you missed it before, Dr. Lastname is of the tribe.]

As such, don’t make it your job to stop an honesty drunk; you can just try, and be ready to get out of his/her way if you can’t get through. If you try too hard, you’ll prolong the juicy, emotional battle all crusaders are itching for, and everyone gets hurt.

Instead, try diplomacy. Show them there’s a better way to be protective, and that they don’t need to worry because you’re pretty good at protecting yourself. In other words, honor their parental functions without addressing their negative feelings.

Think of it as an endless process that may not succeed until your parents are too old, tired, or senile to keep up the war—you (I-srael) versus your family (Parents-stine). L’Chaim.

STATEMENT:
A business-like and formulaic manner can help you keep your emotions under control and provide you with a ready exit. “I know you worry that being gay will prevent me from having a normal life and expose me to lots of pain and trouble that I wouldn’t otherwise have, but the same could be said about being a Jew; it’s not for those who wish to lie low and play it safe. I can’t say there isn’t pain, but thanks to you, I’m ready to manage the problems and pursue what’s important, which is still work and friendships and being a Mensch. So genug, enough has been said, things are going well, and fear is not helpful.”