Stress To Impress

Posted by fxckfeelings on March 11, 2010

Virtually all mammals resent being told what to do (don’t think your cat doesn’t understand you, he just doesn’t care what you think). Unfortunately, most of us with opposable thumbs have to earn a living and/or share a roof, which means learning to live with authority. You might not like your given overlord’s opinion, but, while both parents and bosses are often full of shit, your role remains the same; be respectful, mind your boundaries, and take their words just seriously enough so you don’t get fired. And, like any good, domesticated mammal, don’t pee on the floor.
–Dr. Lastname

My father’s always been a heavy drinker (if he is an alcoholic, he’s “high functioning”), but I love him, and I’ve always tried to make him proud. When he’s really sloshed, however, he tends to go on a lot about how much he loves my older brother, who’s a lawyer, and how impressed he is with him, and how great that brother is, and on and on until everyone else around him feels awkward (and any siblings that are around are pissed). It really gets under my skin, particularly when we’ve been matching one another drink for drink, but then I just feel guilty for being angry at my father when, after all, I’m a grown up who should be too old for this kind of thing, and, really, he’s a nice guy. My goal is to get myself to be less sensitive to the fact that I’m not Dad’s favorite.

There’s good news and bad news here; you’re right not to let fly with your resentment, but you’re wrong to expect your hurt feelings to go away.

If you’re a sensitive person, then you can’t stop the hurt, but you can stop it from hurting yourself or others. The trick is to shut your mouth, because, that way, you don’t let anger out, or alcohol in.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling hurt by your dad’s favoritism. He’s not simply someone you love who favors someone else, but he’s also the alpha male of your old dog pack, the leader who is supposed to reward hard work and good behavior and discourage laziness and crime.

That means that if he plays favorites, then there’s disorder in the pack, and everyone gets spooked and resentful and has to watch his own back. You don’t have to be a dog whisperer (Dad whisperer?) to know that will bring out the bad side in everyone. Weak leaders can be very nice guys, but weak leadership hurts like hell.

So don’t blame yourself for being childish and needy. If you feel guilty, you’ll let him keep spouting off, and, in the end, you’ll feel more upset, angry, helpless, and guilty, and so on. Passive tolerance will just make you more hateful, so fuck it.

Just leave him alone when he wants to do too much opinion-sharing about the old days. Opinions about the Red Sox, you’re all ears. About the family, you’ve got to answer your email.

Take advantage of the fact that you’re a grown up, you’ve got a right to render your own judgments, and you don’t have to listen to anyone else’s. Don’t define your leadership by confronting, insulting or facing down the old alpha dog.

STATEMENT:
Create your own rating system and stay focused on it. “When I was young, my father’s approval was the main measure of my performance. Now that I’m a grown up, I have a right to judge for myself, disagree with the judgment of others, and refuse to engage in further discussion with someone who disagrees with me. That, and sex and eating desert first, are the nice parts of being a grown-up.”

I want to create a start-up (I’ve worked in the tech industry for a long time), and I’ve assembled a board, put together a business plan and I’m looking for financing, all the basic steps. Meanwhile, I think I’m about to lose my day job because I feel tired all the time, and haven’t been getting my assignments done. I’ve tried to explain to my boss that I’m not feeling well, but I don’t really like my job, and it’s hard to look like I give a shit. My goal is to figure some way to get motivated about my regular job so I can keep it while I continue to pursue my own business.

Karl Marx defined work as doing things you don’t like to do because you need the money (or was it Zeppo), but if you wait until good feelings about your job motivate you to work, you’ll probably get fired many times over.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful to work at something you like to do, but most people aren’t that lucky and those that are don’t control it.

In this country, you have a right to hate your job (suck it, Karl!), but you don’t have a right to express that hate unless you have a trust fund and don’t need the money. Otherwise, you have a right to remain silent and look for other work and shut the fuck up until you find it.

You also have a right to be more interested in being a rich CEO—the very idea may give you happy daydreams–but you don’t have a right to daydream while you’re supposed to be working, as it will get you fired, and then you’re screwed on all counts.

Think of your boss as your most important client. No one is telling you to lick his ass, but he has purchased the right to 8 hours a day of your polite attention and a good day’s work. Then you’ll have the chance to start your own business and become an asshole CEO yourself.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a daily statement to keep your inner CEO under control. “Some people might respect me more if I’m a CEO. What I respect myself for is providing a good day’s work for my wages, particularly when the work is not prestigious and doesn’t make me happy, because that’s the biggest challenge I can think of.”