Right Of Refusal

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 25, 2010

One of the worst parts of looking for work, either when your self-employed or unemployed, is putting yourself out there and hustling for work; ex-drug dealers have written scores of hip-hop records about the subject, and the product they were pushing sells itself. It’s hard to network with employers or push clients to pay up, but you don’t have to feel good about it in order to do it. Just ask Jay-Z.
-Dr. Lastname

My partner and I are interior decorators (the ultimate gay cliché, I know), and while we love what we do, we also love getting paid. That’s why it’s rough when friends and family ask us to come take a look at a room or their whole house and give them advice, because what they’re really asking for us for is free services, and as much as we love those we love…well, we also love getting paid and being able to eat. The two of us have talked about how it makes us feel like our loved ones don’t appreciate what we do, or think so little of it that they figure they should get it for nada, but at the same time neither one of us has the heart to turn anyone down and we’re afraid that if we charge them for what we do, they’ll feel hurt and insulted. My shrink says I don’t value my work highly enough because I have a problem with self-esteem. My goal—our goal—is to figure out a way to get enough self-esteem to persuade our friends, and ourselves, that they should pay us for our work.

If it were necessary to improve your self-esteem before being able to ask friends to pay for your services, you’d be in trouble; most self-doubting, sensitive, I’m-afraid-to-impose-on-friends wusses don’t change their personalities, even with deep, deep therapy and a dollop of Dr. Phil.

Unfortunately, as you know, your reluctance to mention fees to friends can spiral into paralysis and frustration. If you respond to your friend’s request for professional help by sliding into an informal, glad-to-help, enjoying-your-company mode, your friend will shoot the breeze for the sheer pleasure of friendship.

Before you know it, you’ve lost a huge number of billable hours and can only blame yourself, because your friend didn’t know that you have no time for this shit (or that your quality time in the friend world was “shit” to you professionally).

At this point, there’s no way you can charge for your time because some of it was social and your friend wasn’t expecting you to. That’s what happens when your goal is to satisfy your friend’s feelings of need, rather than to determine whether you can satisfy his needs, given your other priorities.

Compulsive givers feel bad if they don’t give; as we often point out on this site, they don’t stop to think about how much good and/or bad their giving will do. Your goal is to be business-like about your giving, both because it involves your business, and because it’s more effective and honors your other obligations.

Fortunately, you don’t need good self-esteem to find a way to charge friends for services rendered. The secret—you heard it here first—is not to improve your self-esteem (or create a goals mural or any of that crap). It’s simply to follow proper procedures for creating a work boundary.

Write a scripted response that is right and fair for any reasonable decorator who is asked for his/her ideas by a friend. Think of it as a sales script, like the kind costumer service people have, but slightly less formal.

Learn the script, make it natural, and then stick with it regardless of how you feel. You can deliver it by email if you think you’d get too verklempt saying it in person, but don’t cave in. Then you can love being able to eat, but also love yourself and your friend.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a sample. “Thanks for asking our advice on your redecoration project. Before discussing a project, we offer the optional, attached questionnaire to help you think through its scope and the resources you can commit. After digesting it, we’ll schedule an approximately hour long meeting to ask questions and consider and propose ideas. Because you’re a friend, we wouldn’t think of charging for the consultation. If you wish to go forward, we’ll give you an estimate of the probable time required and several fee options; or you can take our ideas and do the job yourself. We look forward to setting up a time.”

My husband lost his job recently after over twenty years; between his age and the economy, he was basically screwed. We can’t afford to live off my income, so he needs to go whole-hog into his job search and start calling former colleagues and friends asking for recommendations and help. The problem is, he is a sweet man who hates imposing on people, and he’s so modest it’s hard for him to believe that he has a lot to offer, even though he does, so he’s mostly sitting on his ass being a wuss instead of making calls and hunting for more work. I’ve tried to be nice, because I understand the job meant a lot to him, and that he’s generally a sensitive guy, but enough of his shyness, we’ve got kids to feed. My goal is to get my husband to get the self-esteem he needs to go out, market his considerable strengths, and get a job.

Whatever your husband’s needs for more confidence and a less self-effacing manner, he’s developed a bad habit that is hard to change, and by the time he develops the confidence to feel good about making those calls, your kids will be ready to put you in a nursing home.

Of course, you could go to therapy together and find out why he has this problem. Unfortunately, insight usually doesn’t change bad habits, it just tells you where they came from, but it would be a good way to pass the time until you’re sent to assisted living (and drain your remaining savings).

You wish for an answer that would set him free, but that kind of false hope usually prolongs the status quo. Don’t ask why he feels so anxious, just ask how he can be helped to do his job regardless of anxiety.

Avoidant behavior is an amazingly common problem and traps people in shame. It might feel better in the short run to avoid whatever makes you anxious, but then it leaves a hangover of shame and regret.

I wish I could refer you to a 12 step group for avoidant behavior, but sadly, the key demographic for that kind of help would just put off going to the meetings, so you need to do the next best thing by using 12-step ideas.

You have no control over your husband’s behavior, and he may not either, so responding with anger doesn’t work and may make him more avoidant. Instead, put your anger aside.

Then describe the problem as it is, without emotion, making it clear that you regard it as his, crippling, out of control, and not necessarily controllable. Identify incentives for him to try to control it and offer assistance.

The best way to help him, and your family, is to work with him and his problem, not against them. Then one day, at that nursing home, you can both reminisce about how you managed to get through that job search intact.

STATEMENT:
An example: “you are a hard-working, caring man, but you have a dangerous habit of avoiding networking phone calls because they make you feel too anxious. I don’t think they will ever get any easier. If you don’t find a way to do them, you’ll lose confidence and they’ll become harder. So make it your top priority to control this behavior. Don’t be ashamed. Talk to a coach and/or let your friends know. Ask for help in writing a telephone script. Ask one of us to sit with you while you try to make some calls. Otherwise, we should assume that you won’t be getting the kind of job you had before and plan accordingly.”