Who Dat?

Posted by fxckfeelings on February 8, 2010

It’s tough not to feel like chopped liver when your partner is more afraid of someone else’s reaction than yours. Odds are, if that’s what you feel, it often doesn’t reflect on how much they love you, but how much they fear someone else, and pushing them too hard will make the fear worse. Instead of countering their fear with your own need, try to show them that they don’t need to be afraid if they’ve done what’s right.
–Dr. Lastname

My girlfriend and I work together, so, in the interest of not causing too much of a stir, we’re keeping our relationship quiet. I’m OK with that, at least in terms of our jobs, but she also hasn’t told her ex-husband about me yet, after a year of our being together, and keeping our relationship a secret for his sake is not something I’m OK with. She’s not afraid of hurting him—he’s remarried—but of unleashing his wrath, because he’s a bully who revels in punishing her whenever she makes any progress towards moving on in her life. They have a son together, and she’s afraid that, if her ex finds out about us, he’ll go on a rampage to get full custody. He’s very emotional and can easily afford a good lawyer and so far he’s always been able to get the court’s sympathy. It’s not like I want to parade our relationship around in everyone’s faces, but there’s only so much secrecy that I can stand and I feel it puts a limit on our future and makes it impossible for her to make decisions or be held accountable for them. My goal is to get my girlfriend to stand up to her ex so I can know where I stand and we can build a life together.

One of the worst and often unexpected obstacles that get in the way of this kind of second partnership is the other person’s boundaries, or lack of them, with her/his first family. Negotiating those boundaries can make check-points in warzones seem like a breeze.

You start out respecting her unselfishness and love for her son, and feel a need to protect her from bullying and unfair treatment, so you put up with the secrets. Eventually, however, you discover that, if she can’t stand up to her former husband’s bullying, you’re always playing second fiddle to her fear of rocking the SS Ex-Monster.

Then you end up mad at her, which makes her feel that she’s now being attacked on two fronts and can’t manage all the demands, which makes her more fearful and standoffish. Long story short, the goal of getting her to stand up to her ex- will probably backfire, particularly if you make it a personal issue of how much she loves you.

A better goal is to see if she can firm up her boundaries for her own sake. People like her are usually anxious and overly responsible and tend to believe, reflexively, that it’s their fault when things go bad and someone’s hurting.

By commenting on events as they happen, you may be able to show her that there are occasions when she has more to gain and will do more good in the long run by saying no, even if she tends to feel, or is made to feel, guilty for her actions.

For example, if her ex tells her she’s got to take her son at the last minute, even if that means cancelling your vacation plans, remind her that it’s more important for her to get court support for regular, reliable visitation than to protect her son’s current feelings, even if that means giving her ex-husband a chance to screw up and herself a chance to take a break.

Don’t complain about the way her wussiness ruins your good times, although you certainly have a right to feel that way. Complaints will make her feel that the issue is one of pleasure vs. sacrifice and thus make her guiltier. Instead, resist the urge to whine and stick to your idea of what will work best for everyone in the long run.

If she ultimately can’t develop her own sense of what’s right and stick with it and your boundaries, then you can’t supply her with internal security. and she’ll always be over-reacting to the latest terrorist threat, like certain countries we know. At least next time you’ll check out the border guards before deciding on partnership.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to keep your conversation with her positive and useful. “We both want a life together and believe our partnership can ultimately benefit your relationship with your son. So the question isn’t whether you love me enough to face down your ex, or whether you do things his way, your way, or my way; it’s whether you can be sufficiently assertive with your ex when you believe it’s necessary and show him that pressure won’t get you to back down. If you can do that, you’ll be a more effective mother and have more opportunity to build a life with me. If not, you may find that fear reduces what little power you have and makes it hard for our relationship to go forward.”

I lost my job a year ago, so my wife’s mother offered to help us out and rent us a small apartment above her garage at a good price. The job I’ve landed since doesn’t pay nearly as well as my last one, so my wife and I (and our baby) are still stuck in that apartment, even though her mom has both jacked up the rent and completely and repeatedly ignored our pleas for a little autonomy and privacy. (She says the economy hit her harder than expected and she needs for us to help her out and not put pressure on her.) Not only does she drop by whenever, uninvited (to give unsolicited parenting advice, of course), but so does her sister who lives nearby, drinks too much and often asks for money. My wife and I both hate living there, and we have enough money to move out, but I know we’re going to get accused of being ungrateful and unhelpful when we tell her and it will tie my wife in knots. My goal is to get us out of here without stirring up her family and getting my wife upset.

Moving out of your mother-in-law’s place is bound to stir up your wife’s family because that’s the way they are, so don’t make yourself or your wife responsible for avoiding that pain, theirs or yours. It’s as inevitable as an in-law proving to be annoying.

Yes, it will probably be painful, particularly for your wife, but the alternative is worse, so you need to make your best decision, do what you gotta do, and not take responsibility for everyone’s happiness.

You must be doing something right because you and your wife are suffering together, on the same side. If she couldn’t get herself to leave or if you got too mad at her or her mother, that wouldn’t be the case. So you’re doing a good job of keeping the anger under control and your wife of accepting the necessity of moving on.

The bad news is that, with a family like this, there’s no avoiding pain and, if you and your wife are nice-guy, good-kid types, it will feel like guilt. The good news, however, is that you’ve done nothing wrong and much right, so the guilt is just an annoying feeling, nothing more.

Don’t look at the next step with your mother-in-law as an unavoidable, painful confrontation (though that’s probably what it will be). Instead, see it as an opportunity to work on your guilt-trip defenses. That’s seeing the glass as half-full (at least until the boozing aunt shows up).

And if your wife is worried about failing to shore up her mother’s finances, remind her that supporting her the way you’ve been doing is not really going to solve her money problems. Meanwhile, it’s causing more problems, including poverty and emotional distress for your kid.

Urge your wife to ignore her mother’s neediness and think of what will work best in the long run. Then prepare to face the inevitable.

STATEMENT:
Respond to the worst-case accusation you can think of without getting negative or defensive (imagine your mother-in-law’s throwing a “because of your selfishness I’ll lose the house and you’re forgetting how much I helped you when I was able” guilt trip). “We’re happy to have had a good year together and are grateful for all that you’ve done. We’ve given a lot of thought to the reasons for staying, including helping you keep the house, but we don’t think that’s going to work in the long run, so it’s better for us to move on and for you to talk to your financial advisor and come up with another approach. But we’re glad that we all gave it a try.”