Out With In-laws
Posted by fxckfeelings on January 21, 2010
In-laws are classically seen as a pain in the ass, but when your in-laws’ offspring becomes your ex, and your own offspring remain, that pain doesn’t go away. Sustaining relationships with exes is hard—especially when those exes are drunk, crazy, and generally impossible—but when you have kids, you’re forced to sustain those relationships, with parents and grandparents, like it or not.
–Dr. Lastname
My ex-wife cares about our kids, but she’s always been overbearing and intense, which is why I ‘m very happy not to be married to her now. Her latest rage, in both senses, came from her new therapist, who persuaded her that she’s depressed and has bad dreams because she was neglected and maybe abused by her alcoholic parents, so now she wants our kids to have no contact with them, their grandparents, at any time, whether the kids are staying with me or with her (we have joint custody). Now, I’m not crazy about her parents and they sometimes drink too much, but they never did anything unsafe and the kids love them, so I was shocked to hear from the kids that they miss their grandparents (my wife never informed me about her new policy). I don’t want to trigger a court fight with my wife—I can’t afford it, and neither can she, but she spares no expense when she feels her kids are threatened by the forces of evil—and I’ve got no great wish to put myself on the line for her parents, but I don’t like having her tell me what the kids can do when they’re with me and I don’t think losing their grandparents is good for them. My goal is to send her a message that she can’t control what our kids do when they’re with me and protect the kids from losing their grandparents.
The short answer is, you can’t win a pissing contest with a fire hydrant.
Yes, your ex-wife has no right to tell you what you can and can’t do with the kids when they’re with you, and yes, it hurts them to be cut off from their grandparents, and yes, in the short run it’s entirely within your power to facilitate grandparental visits.
No, none of this matters in the big picture.
If your wife is the kind of self-righteous, crusading, angry asshole you describe her as being, then you have very little power to make things better and many, many opportunities to make things worse.
In the trade, we call people like your ex “bad borderlines”, meaning they’re madder’n hell and get even madder when anyone, therapists especially, try to change them. “Asshole” is also a totally applicable term. Or, as you used to call her, “dear.”
The sad fact of life that you and your kids must live with is that your ex has her rages and there’s no stopping her. She’s itching for a target to drop her bomb on, regardless of how much damage she does to herself, her finances, or the feelings of all around her. Don’t oppose her unless it’s absolutely necessary and then, if at all possible, don’t be in the room when the bomb goes off.
If you think about it, your goal isn’t to protect your kids from her rage (not unless she leaves slap-marks or the equivalent, you can’t). If you try, predict what happens next; she gives the kids an emotional overdose (tears, sorrow, worry, anger) about the re-awakening of her trauma by their undoing her unselfish attempt to protect them, and after an hour or so, they’ll do anything for her to stop.
After all, they have to live with her for another eternity and, unless they’re pretty hardened cases, her disapproval hurts like hell. They then cop a plea against you, saying the crime was your idea, and she threatens to take you to court with the kids as her witness and a crazed, victim-rights lawyer as her champion. The asshole’s undefeated streak continues.
Instead of unleashing her ever-ready, hydrant-esque deluge of abuse, choose your battles. If the grandparents want to take her on, you can give them secret support, but save your energy for the big ones.
Yes, it might feel humiliating, but that’s the price of doing right by your kids when you chose an ex-wife like this one. So no, don’t take this one on…and don’t get tied down to a partner like this ever again.
STATEMENT:
Refresh your parenting mission statement. “I can’t protect my kids (or me, the dog, the grandparents or the postman) from my wife’s nastiness, but I can show my kids how to avoid unnecessary conflict, eat shit when required, and be proud of my ability to smile and say ‘that tasted goooood.’”
My boyfriend and I have a 2 year old son together and, for the first year, he was very loving and we lived together, though he was never great at keeping jobs or getting anywhere on time, but in the past year he started drugging more and staying away for days after I criticized him and never coming by when he promised to and then, when I’d tell him he couldn’t just drop by unannounced, he said he wouldn’t give me money if he couldn’t see his kid when he wants to and he’s been pretty bad about providing money anyway. Our son loves his father, but he now looks unhappy when his name comes up or when he drops by, and I don’t know how to protect him. The boy gets very upset when he hears us fighting, so I try to avoid conflict, but I can’t let my boyfriend come by and take his son whenever he wants. I don’t want him back because I don’t think he’ll ever settle down and be reliable, but I’d like him to see that his behavior is hurting his son and he needs to stop.
The first thing you need to do is separate your righteous emotions from what you want to accomplish. If your goal is to express yourself so beautifully, articulately, passionately and forcefully that you persuade your (I don’t think you’ll disagree that he’s an ex-) boyfriend to act like less of a jerk, you’re nuts.
He doesn’t get it, and he’ll tell you it’s all your fault for being mean and controlling and poisoning his son against him, and you don’t want to have that conversation again and again. Your friends will pat you on the back for standing up to him, and you’ll feel good…briefly, until you fight about the same shit again. It’s not worth it.
Decide for yourself whether you’re right about your son’s needs, regardless of how you feel about his father. Ask yourself if it’s in his interest to see his father at random times, given the disruption to his routine, yours, and the uncontrolled nature of his father’s mood, mouth, and sobriety, or to have his financial support dependent on his father’s feelings for you.
Even if it’s in his interest, ask yourself the most important question; if you can live your life that way. If you decide that your ex’s position is harmful and unworkable, and that your anger has nothing to do with your opinion, then you may be able to improve the situation, but only if you keep your feelings in check.
Accept the sad fact that you can’t change his mind, get him to understand, or communicate better. Then you’ll be much more effective at finding a legal way, if one exists, to get protection from his financial blackmail and bad visitation behavior.
Ask a lawyer what the law can do for you, how much it will cost, and what you need to do to document your ex’s bad behavior. Then you can decide whether the fight is worthwhile and how to strengthen your position while refusing to be drawn into a shit-slinging contest that will make you both smell as bad as you already feel.
STATEMENT:
Begin a business-like, positive, written correspondence. “My dear partner, I’m sorry we’re no longer together but I want you to have a positive relationship with our son and will do everything I can to make it happen. Given what I’ve seen of his negative reactions to your unscheduled visits and my own efforts to make ends meet when we run out of money, I think the following is necessary to make things work. You need to schedule regular time with him, come on time, provide regular child support (remember, it’s child support, not ex-partner support), and refrain from expressing unhappiness with me in his presence. If you can’t or won’t do those things, my legal advisor tells me the court will force these conditions on you because they’re what’s best for our son. I’d rather we agreed to these conditions ourselves. Sincerely.
