Xmas Aftermath

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 28, 2009

Most people don’t wait until New Years to make resolutions about the bad behavior they’re going to stop putting up with next year; usually, things get bad enough by Christmas Eve that we’ve already started our mental lists of “never again.” The problem is that the worst kind of bad behavior can seldom be stamped out; it tends to exist all the time, for all of time, amen. Aiming to start 2010 by confronting that bad behavior is a bad idea; finishing 2009 working around that behavior is a better start.
–Dr. Lastname

I don’t know where I failed as a parent, but my daughter announced over Christmas that she’s leaving her perfectly nice husband after cheating on him, and it’s the last straw in terms of me wanting to just ask her why her behavior is and always has been so self-destructive. These aren’t the values I taught her—for one thing, I’m still married to her father after 30 years—and I’ve always pushed her to follow through in life and work, but she seems incapable of doing anything but sabotaging herself. My goal is to get my daughter to tell me why she feels she has to mess up her own life.

If your greatest joy as a parent is to see your kid happily married off, then it makes sense that one of your greatest sorrows is to see her unhappily divorced, particularly if she’s messed up and there’s nothing you can do to stop her.

If it hasn’t already occurred to you many times about parenting your daughter, this is certainly a good time to realize that you have no control, and that parents with good values and solid self-control can, and often do, have fucked-up kids and lose sons-in-law they’ve learned to love.

The gene for fuck-up-edness can skip a generation, or lay dormant until fed with alcohol, or it can wave a bright red flag in the form of the names “Randi” or “Amber.” Or it can just come out of nowhere and make parenting really hard, which is what it’s done to you for years.

Giving her a good, solid, come-to-Mohammad talking-to (Dr. Lastname knows that it’s dangerous to be flip about certain deities, but heck, there are no pictures), is likely to drive her away and make her act more crazy (like it would to someone deeply offended by the mention of Mohammad).

As you probably already know, most fucked-up kids can’t stop themselves from fucking up and get used to ignoring chidings or responding with true consistency, by fucking up more. Her guess as to why she messes up her life is probably as good as yours; all you both know is that it’s something she’s good at, and will continue to do for some time.

Your goal then isn’t to vent righteous wrath, but to help if you can. As a parent, that’s your job description. Don’t complain, because, while you haven’t been lucky so far in the daughter department, you knew there were no guarantees, and complaints can make this bad daughter worse.

Be supportive without taking sides, embracing infidelity or divorce, or welcoming her back to reside in what is now your office. The key to your support is, as usual, not caring too much about her happiness or lack of it, but more about her ability to do what will work best for her in the long run. Don’t press her as to why she’s a mess, but as to the best way (this time) to clean it up.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement to guide your tongue. “I liked your husband and I’m sorry about your divorce, but what’s most important in the long run is that you find a relationship that really makes your life better and, until such a relationship comes along, you need to be independent enough to avoid bad compromises. Right now, misery and loneliness may make you feel less capable and more needy. Hang tough, wait it out, and build up your own life. In the end, you can learn a lot from this divorce that will help you find something that will work better.”

My sister-in-law has never been one of my favorite people; I admit I’m always hard on my brother’s girlfriends, but she was always rude to me and the rest of our family, and aside from her job (in the entertainment industry), I really have no idea what my brother finds appealing about her. In the past, I’ve kept my mouth shut around her because it really upsets my mother when I react to this woman’s rudeness in kind, but this past Christmas my sister-in-law was so rude that she actually made my mother cry. I love my brother, but my mom and I are especially close, so this really feels like the last straw. My goal is to figure out whether I can just cut this awful shithead (who brings my mom to tears!) out of my life, or whether/why I have to keep tolerating her awfulness.

Add obnoxious in-laws to the long list of insoluble problems that makes life the pain it is. The more you love your brother, the bigger the shit omelet you must eat to keep your love for him alive after he marries a bitchmonster.

You might be tempted to free him, and the rest of your family, from the conjugal beastess who took him captive, but you know which side he’s likely to wind up on, so shut up. Like the fuck-up who will do worse when confronted on her behavior, somebody who loves a meanie will, upon being confronted about those feelings, be driven further into the meanie’s tentacles.

Your job isn’t then to free him, because it can’t be done, but to make the most of what you’ve got and not make it worse.

Here are the standard operating procedures; first, say farewell to the old, happy get-togethers, because since she hit the scene, they’ve stopped being happy, and she appears to be on the scene for good.

Invite him and his dear spouse only if the party is relatively large and public, so misbehavior will be less likely and easier to escape. For one-on-one, use modern technologies, like email, cellphone, and video-chatting. Never takes sides against, or exclude, his spouse, lest he be suffocated in her tentacles’ grasp.

Of course, you can count on your mother, or some other sweet, vulnerable family member, trying too hard to be nice and get close, and thus stirring up the unwinnable nuclear shit-storm you’ve been working so hard to prevent.

The more the hurt and humiliation, the harder for other family members to see the value of what you’re trying to do, and the greater their temptation to gang up on the horrible intruder; but sooner or later, they’ll find there’s no way to solve this problem, save hypnosis or murder, and that diplomatic distance is the best compromise.

No matter how bad things get, avoid the temptation to band together with the ones you love. Instead, do what you think is right and encourage them to join you. Hold your ground, hold your nose, and keep your brother and your beast-in-law in your life.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement to protect you and yours from the discouragement of loss and humiliation. “I treasure the lucky fact that our family is warm and close, but what I value even more, because it’s so difficult, is our ability to include obnoxious people when it’s necessary and stay relatively pleasant. We’re good at accepting change, however painful, and managing relationships that aren’t meant to be.”