Spare Some Change

Posted by fxckfeelings on December 3, 2009

No matter how much someone loves us, there’s usually one thing about us they can’t stand. As we’ve said many times here, short of a new hair color or weight gain, changing who you are is virtually impossible. So accepting what you don’t like about someone is a necessity if you want to avoid relationship hell, and accepting that someone else’s non-acceptance is something you can’t accept.
–Dr. Lastname

My big sister, whom I live with, is always on my case about my spending habits—I’m no good at budgets, and she knows I’ve always been that way—but the more she nags me , the more I want to spend. I’ve been feeling really down for the past year or so, which also doesn’t really help me get motivated to do much of anything, including taking care of my kids, which just makes her even angrier, because she says that I basically spend money and she does all the work, including cleaning and childcare. So when I told her I needed money to visit a sick friend, she said she’d give it to me, but then there’d be no money for Christmas presents. So now it’s a few days from Christmas and she’s blaming me for spending the Christmas money and I’m tired of listening to her lecturing. My goal is to get her to find the money, which I’m sure she can, and get her off my case.

You’re pushing for money you don’t control from a sister who may not have it, and you want her to change feelings that aren’t going to change in a living situation that you can’t afford to escape. While you’re at it, you should attempt to eat a mouthful of pure cinnamon and cure cancer.

As you might have gathered, you can’t have what you want, any of it, and going after it will make your happy home into a hellhole that will make your kids yearn for the day they can escape for their lives and sanity.

You’ve got a right to your wishes—they’re human and understandable—but watch what trouble you create by making it your goal to express them. You’re not just farting into a phone booth, but laying down a shit as well.

Making it your goal to guilt your sister into giving you cash means you’re always the helpless kid who’s dependent on and mad at her, and she’s the mean skinflint who will always be mad at you. You’ll get much more power and freedom in the long run, and create a more peaceful home, if you manage your money as if you’re the boss and you’ve got to make the tough decisions about what you can’t buy.

Ignore what your sister says and how you feel about it. Yes, those feelings may hurt, but they’re not important compared to the survival issues you face and the need to improve your relationship with her. Shut up about her, and think about what you need to do to survive, because that’s what you’ll need to do if your sister can’t take care of you.

As controlling as she seems, your sister really doesn’t make the decisions now, because there’s never enough money and no one knows where it goes. Her priority is as bad as yours: making the squeaky wheel shut the fuck up.

Right now, no one is steering your family finances and the sooner you step forward, the better for everyone. Your goal then is long-term survival with less conflict.

What you have now is an opportunity. There’s no shame in sacrificing Christmas presents to support a sick friend, so you can take this opportunity to give the kids a good lesson in the meaning of Christmas. Instead of blaming your sister for not giving you more, tell her that you stand by your priorities, you appreciate her support, and you’re going to think harder about your other spending priorities and get back to her with your ideas.

Then sit down with a friend, add up your monthly expenses, and make your own decisions about where the money should go. Yes, tough decisions may give you a headache, but they’re the source of what little power you’ll have in your sister’s house, and what most of us have in this world in general.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement to enlist your sister’s cooperation and protect both of your from the destructive whining and grudging giving of the past. “Your hard work is keeping us afloat and I wish I could do my share, but depression has made that impossible. But I’m going to put together a budget that reflects our priorities so that, when it comes time to spend money, you’ll be happy where it’s going and we’ll be pleased to remember how hard you worked to make it.”

My boyfriend tells me that I’m too closed-off and in my own head. I know that I shut down sometimes, but it’s not like I’m really holding anything back. I think I do my share, but I’ve never been one of those flamboyant stereotypes (we’re gay). Anyway, an old friend of mine got very sick recently, and he came with me when I went home to visit. We’re sitting in the hospital, waiting to see my friend, when my boyfriend whispers that he really needs a kiss, right then. I didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t want to kiss him, because it didn’t seem appropriate, plus I wanted to pay attention to my friend, so I just quietly brushed him off, and later he exploded at me for not sharing and being connected. I love my boyfriend, and I hate seeing him unhappy, and now I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. My goal is to make our relationship work.

Trying to make a bad relationship work can suck you dry and make you an accessory to bad deeds. There’s no harm in wishing it could work, and nothing more dangerous than assuming you should make it work.

If you give up on the idea that you can make this relationship work—want a hankie?—you’re free to ask yourself what’s getting in the way and whether there’s anything you can do about it.

Judge your own behavior. Get input from people you trust. Ask yourself if you do your share of relating and responding, and if the answer is yes, then congratulations, you’re innocent of wrong-doing, and condolences, you have no control over your boyfriend’s unhappiness.

Now, let’s talk about his neediness. There’s nothing wrong with feeling needy, but when he makes it your responsibility, you’ve both got trouble. Between his neediness and your guilt, you’ve got the makings of some long-term, intractable conflict.

You can have a nice relationship if he sometimes suffers from frustrated neediness but accepts the fact that you’re not responsible for kissing it and making it feel better. Otherwise, he wants you to change, and that never works. It’s a deal-breaker.

So the bonus round question is whether or not he can accept you. If he can’t, the prize is, you’re fucked.

Never, ever choose to live with someone who doesn’t accept you, no matter how much you love him. Sure, it’s ungrateful of me to make this statement, given the amount of business I get from the strong attraction people have to partners who don’t accept them, but as a not needy person, I’m putting your health first.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement that responds to his complaint and gives you a chance to see if he can manage his neediness and accept you the way you are. “I love to make you happy and I understand that you think I sometimes withdraw too much to satisfy your needs. I’ve been asking myself and others whether I withdraw too much to do my share in a relationship and I’ve decided three things: I do my share, I can’t change my style, and our relationship to work if you can’t accept me for the way I am, including the way I sometimes leave your needs unmet. I hope you can manage those unmet needs without attacking me; because otherwise, this relationship can’t work.”