Griefsgiving

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 23, 2009

The one gift everybody can expect to get around the holiday season is a surplus of emotions (which, as I’ve said before, turns into a surplus of business for me—ho ho ho!). The ghost of Christmas (and Thanksgiving and New Years) past visits most of us, but for those with rough pasts, said ghost can be a real bitch. If you keep your emotional swamp in check and focus on the positive in the present, you can keep your festivities from being too haunted (and keep yourself out of my office).
-Dr. Lastname

You said before that everybody hates the holidays, and I think most people hate seeing their families. Well, I hate the holidays, but it’s because I don’t have a family; my parents still drink too much, one brother is in jail and the other I don’t trust around my kids, and so every time the holidays roll around I get depressed that I don’t have anyone because the people I should be happy to see are the ones who made me the crazy mess I am today (honestly—I’m bipolar, but on medication). I’m sick of basically being guaranteed to hate myself and life all winter just because of what my family did. My goal is to find a way to feel better no matter what time of year it is.

There’s a simple answer to why it’s a bad idea to expect to get over the sorrow of a bad, abusive family; because usually, it simply can’t be done.

Focusing on your pain and waiting for it to go away will spoil your holidays even more than they’re already spoiled. Talk about a turd in the cranberry sauce.

Maybe you think it’s a holiday right and tradition to vent/celebrate your sad feelings with a shrink. Well, this shrink says forget it. I’m not interested, and neither should you be.

Sure, venting might give you a moment of relief, like a good emotional barf. On the other hand, you’ve shared your feelings before, you know where they come from, it hasn’t made them go away. If anything, they’ve probably made you feel even sadder and more pre-occupied than usual, which has made you the life of every holiday party you attend.

Please, don’t tell me that expressing your pain in psychotherapy will give you eventual relief and freedom. I can’t prove that it won’t, per se, but A, I did go to Harvard, and B, most people who seek my advice have cried themselves a river with more than one shrink, and their tears are still going strong.

So either they haven’t yet found the right shrink, or shrinks often don’t have the antidote to childhood sorrow. Take your pick.

Once you realize that getting rid of your pain is a dumb goal, then you’re free to focus on something much more constructive: how to have a meaningful holiday anyway. Aside from feeling happy, your holiday goal is to forge meaningful relationships and celebrate the values of that holiday, and pain doesn’t have to stop you, even if you can’t stop it.

My guess is that you have some long-term friends with whom you like to share holidays and that there is real hope that, over the years, you and your friends will come to share the kind of love and support for one another that families do.

Perhaps, in time, this love will ease your pain, or maybe it won’t, but either way, that part is beyond your control. Your urge to vent, however, isn’t. Keep it in check, try to ignore the negative, and pass the gravy boat.

STATEMENT:
Compose a statement that will help you shut up about your pain and focus on your determination to create the kind of holiday celebration and relationships that you missed as a kid. “I treasure the kind of friends who can get together regularly over many years and provide the commitment and support of caring family, particularly since I missed having that kind of love first time around. So I’ll do my best to find and build such friendships. And if I do, despite the sorrow I carry in my heart, I’ll have greater respect for my efforts and take pride in the meaning of what I’m trying to achieve.”

I’m a pretty generous person, so I’m never shocked when I find out someone’s taken advantage of me, even though it’s always painful, especially when I have to cut ties with them and move on. Without getting into too much detail, that’s exactly what happened with my brother 11 years ago, and I haven’t spoken to him since. It’s been painful, especially painful during the holiday season when I know he’s out there but we can’t all have Thanksgiving together like we used to, and like we should. My goal is to forget about his absence and get through Thanksgiving without having to suffer.

One thing I’ve observed about generous people, especially my fellow clinicians who like to make other people feel better (and including clergy, who are almost all closet therapists); we get really, really pissed after we’ve done a whole lot of giving and get nothing back.

There may be such a thing as selfless giving, but most of us like that giving feeling and have a dark side that gets triggered when we feel used. Giving, if nothing else, feels good; it’s the Christian drug of choice. It’s a good thing, of course, when it actually does some good and/or doesn’t lead to gift misuse or giver depletion.

Man alive though, do we givers get mad when what we get back is shit, even when the fecal return delivery was entirely predictable and so clearly isn’t personal.

What you need to do then, O jilted giver, is ask yourself carefully whether you’ve written off your brother because he’s an asshole who would ruin your holiday celebration by barfing all over the turkey/Christmas tree, or because you’re very, very angry.

Your goal isn’t to express anger—that would be a violation of the fuckin’ holiday spirit—but to do what you think is right and best for you and your family in the long run.

What’s right for families in the long run, I believe, is to hang together if it’s not absolutely toxic. Add up the pluses and minuses yourself without giving too high a score to the dramatic thrill of reconciliation.

Being kind to family, even bad family, is good for your self-esteem (as long as you keep a safe distance from the snakes). Showing kids how you accept faults and make the best of strengths is a good lesson in doing what’s meaningful, rather than what makes you happy. Looking out for one another helps everyone survive hard times.

Add whatever you want to the list as long as it’s not about feelings, just what’s meaningful or helpful in the long run. Then you can either reconsider your brother’s standing, or have a solid list of reassuring reasons why he should not be around.

STATEMENT:
Write a statement that will help you ignore your anger as you consider which course is more meaningful and consistent with your values. “I have good reason to be angry at my brother and it’s always reasonable to protect myself from abuse. But I won’t let anger make my decision for me as I decide whether it’s best to reach out and re-establish contact. It doesn’t matter whether this requires me to eat shit along with my turkey if the long-term result is better for my family.”