Passive Attack

Posted by fxckfeelings on November 19, 2009

Unless you’re holding a weapon, getting someone to do something they don’t want to with a simple request is virtually impossible. Even harder, however, is getting someone to do something they don’t want to do by passively nudging them; now both the request and the delivery of the request are so repellent that you’ve guaranteed a bad outcome. Taking a stand isn’t easy, and jebus knows it’s often a bad idea, but when it has to be done, you need to cowboy up and be direct, weapon or no.
–Dr. Lastname

Lately, I’ve been trying to get my life together, and part of that is quitting drinking; my fiancé and I are actually getting sober together. The problem in all this is my mother; she lives nearby and comes over often (believing she is providing “moral support” for turning my life around), and, for whatever reason, no matter what the occasion, she brings a bottle of wine as a gift and makes a really big deal about the vintage and how refined it is and all this nonsense. I guess she doesn’t really understand that drinking is a big source of my problems, and both my fiancé and I have dropped hints to that effect, but it’s not getting through, and so, surprise, it’s messing with our sobriety. My goal is to get through to my mother that, while I appreciate her kindness, she’s actually being kind of cruel.

When you decide it’s necessary to get a grip on any powerful hard-to-control behavior, your goal is not to get people to take the hint that they should avoid tempting you. (Hint, hint—you’re being a wuss).

If you’re hinting, it’s because you’re afraid to tell people, straight out, that you’re trying to get sober, and that means that you’re more worried about what they think than about your reasons for not drinking. Your sobriety doesn’t stand a chance; you’re not strong enough.

To get sober, you need to build up your own belief that sobriety is right for you and that it’s worth fighting for by ignoring cravings, habit, peer pressure, and the fear of humiliating yourself or damaging important relationships.

You need to be shameless, not because you don’t have a sense of shame, but because you believe that trying to get sober is something to be proud of, particularly because doing so involves uncertainty and possible humiliation.

Remember, gaining the strength to make this kind of decision is particularly important for a woman. For whatever reason of nature or nurture, women are often more averse to making waves, causing pain, and arousing disapproval.

As is usually the case, the main enemy is within (no matter who was responsible for its placement and armaments), so making decisions of this kind is an opportunity for you to overcome that enemy and reduce its power.

So hang out with ex-drunks who are proud because they know how painful it can be to be in recovery. That’s a major reason you should look for an AA group attended by strong, well-recovered alcoholics.

Forget about whether you or your mother will feel bad if she knows about and comments on your alcoholism—wanting to feel good is what got you into this mess in the first place. Think instead about the independence, strength and self-control that you and your mother value more than feeling good.

Your goal isn’t to get her to take the hint or recognize her unconscious cruelty. It’s to strengthen your sobriety by giving it a priority over your fears and, in doing so, attract more support. Besides, your mother may surprise you (and start bringing you fancy cheese instead).

STATEMENT:
Prepare a coming-out statement to strengthen your sense of purpose. “I need to be sober but I don’t know if I can do it. I fear that knowledge of my alcoholism will upset my mother and lower her respect for me, particularly if I start drinking again. But if I’m to succeed, I need to bear pain and fear, so I might as well start now.”

My youngest daughter just got divorced, so she’s moved back home with me and her mother. I love having her around, but my wife is a little more high strung, so having our daughter around, moping and making a mess, has caused a lot of tension and my wife is always on her back. I try not to say anything, because I don’t want to make things even worse, but when I do end up saying something, which isn’t often, I usually snap and lose it entirely. I hate conflict, but my wife’s endless sniping is making everyone nuts, and my goal is to get it to stop.

Sorry, but you’re not going to stop a mother and unhappy daughter from bickering by begging or bullying them, so trying to stop them will just add to your trouble. You’re up against forces that are bigger than you are, as I’m sure you already know.

Your daughter may be an independent roommate when she’s away from home, but her parents’ presence, at a time when she’s unhappy, makes her feel like letting go, letting down, expressing her pain, and being taken care of.

Your wife may be a loving mother, but she can’t stand to see your daughter turn into a passive, whiny blob without lighting a fire under her ass. So she attacks her, your daughter feels and acts like a wounded victim, and your wife feels more helpless and attacks harder. Then I end up with a very full schedule.

Too bad you can’t stop the fight, but now you can at least be sure it’s not your problem. That means you’re free to give them good ideas for stopping the conflict themselves, since you obviously can’t.

The best tools you can offer them are the day-to-day tools of business. If your daughter moved in with a roommate, she would take care to ask about her responsibilities and show that she could hold up her end. If your wife accepted a roommate, she’d spell out rent, chores, and other responsibilities.

If they tell you they want the other to understand something, tell them to forget it, it’s not going to happen. If they tell you what’s wrong with the other, tell them you don’t want to hear it because it’s a bad direction to go in.

If they believe it’s good to communicate, tell them they’re crazy. If they think honesty is good for the relationship, tell them they’re stupid. If they both get annoyed at being called crazy and stupid, at least they’re agreeing on a common enemy.

When you need to live with someone, it’s dangerous to dwell on their faults, even when complaining to a friend. If they tell you that they’re doing a great deal by shutting up, tell them that they’ve made a great start but it’s not enough. They need to do more, so you’ll need to do less.

STATEMENT(S):
Prepare statements that show them how to address their issues while avoiding negative feelings.

To my daughter. I’m proud of your accomplishments and respect your independence. I know you can’t help but feel unhappy right now, but you’re learning about relationships, loss, and unemployment, and pain is your tuition, so it has value, and it will pass. Home should be a refuge, but sharing painful feelings doesn’t work. Try instead to manage this situation as you would with other roommates, by exploring our expectations, negotiating, and avoiding negative feelings. It will be hard in the short run and better in the long run. And it will advance your goals of being independent and avoiding fights.

To my wife. I know how much you want our daughter to succeed and how hard you’re trying to push her in a good direction, but it’s not working. You’ll be more effective if you stay cool and choose your battles. Select the most important things she should do for her own mental health and yours and then spell out your expectations. You can’t get her to see what you mean or understand how you feel; but you can incentivise her to do the things you think are most important for her success and your sanity.